incase youre wondering what is going on here, i will explain.
i spent the last two years losing 50% of my weight. ive been left with skin sagging more than your average 70 year old, except i am 25. ive decided i will be having skin removal surgery and am busting my ass to make it happen. i decided to swallow my pride back in december and made a GO FUND ME account to give people the opportunity to make donations. i was inspired by Francelina from the biggest loser 14, as she has raise thousands toward her skin removal with this fundraising website.
I had to wait to blog about this, because i needed to calm down. i reacted in a way i wish i had not, but im human. i wanted to explain myself in a way that i could be proud of rather than making a fool out of myself.
what was my first/natural reaction? to post the screen shot to my social networks so i could have some back up in defending myself. one of his followers had posted on the picture "SAD" so i thought it was appropriate to allow my followers to put in their 2 cents as well. two can play that game.
within an hour the dude had more comments tearing him a new asshole on that one picture than he has on every other picture on his account combined. WAY more people had something to say than i ever anticipated. i was glad to see that i wasnt being sensitive and unrealistic. there were people who seemed MORE UPSET THAN ME, and it wasnt even about them. if theyre offended and theyre just friends of mine, i have every right to be offended when i am the victim. i shouldnt need my feelings justified, but its not every day youre publicly humiliated and called a pathetic panhandler, so i had no idea how i was SUPPOSED to feel.
of course there were two people who were chiming in that what was happening on my end was just as wrong as what he did. i understand their argument, but i disagree. when he posted about me, making MY LIFE the butt of his jokes, i had never spoke to him. never met him. never knew he existed. absolutely never hurt him. what i did was a reaction to the hurtful things he said about me. i did NOTHING to deserve the pain he caused me. he asked for the drama i brought him. could my followers telling him hes scum or me calling him a piece of shit be considered cyber bullying? absolutely. but dont dish it out if you cant take it. had he not humiliated me, id have no reason to ever talk down to him.
the one chick kept saying shit about "youre a public figure- this isnt an appropriate reaction". id like to address that. i am NOT a public figure. i am a REGULAR ASS PERSON who just happens to have accomplished something extraordinary. but i am NORMAL. i have all the same feelings and emotions as every other NORMAL person. most normal people would react like i did. and quite honestly, i delete comments and block assholes almost DAILY and no one ever knows about it because i dont flip out, i dont make a big stink. it hurts me, but i brush it off and keep smiling. sometimes the straw breaks the camels back. today was one of those days.
you can say "well i wouldve XYZ" but until youre living it, you really dont know what youd do. for example- IG sensation @LauraSykora .... sometimes people are so fucking rude to her and every now and then, she flips out. i usually read her reactions and think "laura you are so much better than this loser, why would u even entertain them??" but then a loser i am so much better than got a reaction out of me. you do not know how youd react if you were in my shoes, so you cannot judge me for my reaction. i think people sometimes forget i am a human. but every "internet sensation" is a regular ass person behind a keyboard.
someone else commented that they "follow me for motivation and that post was not motivational". i hate to break it to you- but my instagram is NOT an inspiration account! my instagram is a PERSONAL account. parts of my life just happen to be inspiring. you may follow me for inspiration because youve dubbed me an inspiration account- that does not mean thats what it is. i post mostly fitness shit, because thats mostly what i am interested in. but i post plenty of shit completely unrelated. if i want to post something personal on my PERSONAL page, i have every right to do so. you are following a HUMAN BEING- not a robot, not a business, none of that. a human. if youre mad that my posts are not what you hoped theyd be, its very simple to unfollow. im having such a hard time deciding is it right to be a fake person who has to keep everything inside and play a role on the internet just to keep complaints at bay.... or is it right to be ME?? after thinking about it for days, the answer is its right to be ME. ive been being me all along and thats how i got the support i have. if i start being fake, i will lose the support of the people who love every part of my personalty. quite honestly, i am more interested in the people who are interested in my REAL person more than i am concerned with people who want me to put on a show. i was hesitant to make this blog post, because i dont want to upset anyone who reads my blog for motivation with such a downer of a post. but then it occurred to me that i started this blog so i would have a place i could put all my emotions out there as they were happening. this is what i am feeling. if you do not want to read about my emotions, this is not the place for you. whats that quote? if you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best? i can never never please everyone so i might as well just be who i REALLY am. of course there are parts of me i am working on. each of us are a work in progress. i am not completely the person i hope to be, and i shouldnt have to pretend i am. its no secret that i do personal development and nuerofeedback and see a phsycologist on a regular basis. i am always working to grow as a more mature, understanding, calm, compassionate person. i am not there yet. if you knew my struggle and where i CAME FROM though, id get a lot more credit for only posting a screen shot and calling this person a piece of shit. let someone call me pathetic 3 years ago and id still be in a jail cell with a murder sentence.
So, let me break it down why i was so offended.
it starts like this. when i first made the fundraiser account, i felt a little guilty and had a moment of wondering if it was wrong and selfish- even though i had gotten the idea from someone else already doing the same exact thing. my thought process was "why should anyone make a donation to me for something that is a want, not a NEED, when there are homeless people and sick people who need the money more?" but then it occurred to me, whether i have a fundraiser or not, there are STILL going to be sick and homeless people who need help! i dont think any of my contributors have decided not to help someone in a life or death situation because they maxed out their donation funds on me. if that IS the case and youre not able to help someone you want to help with a NEED- please help the dying person over me!
additionally, since i started my fundraiser i have come across two other GO FUND ME accounts on my facebook. one was for a guy(stanger to me) who lost his job and was broke. his friend was trying to raise money to buy a car for the family for christmas. the other was a friend from high school developing an app to help families see vitals or their loved ones in the hospital. i DONATED TO BOTH OF THEM. i have never announced this or wanted any credit for it, but i feel like i want the world to know it now. i am not a heartless entitled bitch who just wants to take. i know if i want people to help me, i have to help others. so i do. ive BEEN helping others, but in this case, i was able to give exactly what i was hoping to receive.
i have blocked and stopped looking at the account of the person making fun of me, but the last time i checked, his defense was "people shouldnt HAVE to pay for her surgery. if she wants it she should work for it herself". to clear that up- no one HAS to pay for my surgery. i am not looking for a handout. if he took the time to read my BIO on my fundraiser, hed see where it says "i know i will never raise this entire amount. i plan to finance the difference, but anyone willing to contribute would decrease the amount to be borrowed". what part of that sounds like i EXPECT the world to pay for my surgery?
i spend 1-2 SCHEDULED hours EVERY SINGLE DAY responding to messages and emails asking for fitness and weight loss advice. if i had the time, i could make a full time job out of answering every single question i receive. i do the best i can to respond to everyone and do you know what i get out of it? NOTHING. of course i get the satisfaction of having helped someone, and of course i sell a workout here and there when it fits a persons needs. but to be quite honest, most people dont even email me back to say thank you. however, here and there someone will thank me, and often times they will say "i wish i could repay you" or "i hope you get your surgery!" When i created the page i thought this would be a perfect medium for those people to have a way they COULD thank or repay me. i do not think anyone HAS to pay for shit for me. this is a means for people who WANT to help me, to do so.
As far as "if she wants it she should earn it herself".... ummmm. i HAVE earned it. ive lost 142lbs! but incase youre talking about money, let me clarify that. in december, when i made the go fund me account, i made a commitment to myself that i would spend zero money on entertainment. i have stuck to it. i havent gotten a tattoo, been to a girls night out. or a movie, or a restaurant (besides being out of town to work with no other eating options, and even then i eat cheap) or a birthday party, or a mall, or a festival or a party or to ANYTHING that costs money since i made that commitment. he said "maybe she should do more hair" i do hair SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. i started a second business last year with paying for this procedure in mind. i have committed to NO DAYS OFF at the salon and am LITERALLY ON CALL every single day because i do not want to miss a penny i have the opportunity to make. i WORKED ON CHRISTMAS because i had the opportunity to make some money and felt guilty turning it down when people were giving to me. i turned down TWO visits from my best friends simply because i committed to not spending money on entertainment and i didnt want them to have to sit and stare at me on my couch the whole time. i make a sacrifice and work toward this balance almost every day. the last time i spent a WHOLE DAY without doing ANY work??! I DONT EVEN REMEMBER! it was probably in the fall, before the fundraiser even started. i AM EARNING THIS MYSELF. BUT DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY $22,000 IS?!!!! i dont have an EXTRA $22,000. to pay this off cash i would have to pay my student loans, cell phone bill, car insurance, business expenses, rent, medical bills, vet bills, food bills, and every other expense in my life and in the meantime, SAVE $22,000. i dont know whos hair you think i do, but i am not a $300 a haircut kind of hairdresser. that will take me YEARS. that is HALF of my yearly income! however, just because i do not have twenty grand laying around doesnt mean i havent earned the body i have worked for.
most recently, his insults include suggesting i "get off my ass and work" or "get on welfare". this just goes to show what an ignorant person this is because anyone who actually knows me knows that I'm a fucking workaholic. That is all i am going to say about that.
he also has a problem with me getting boob implants. he says "ok, well maybe she can get help for a tummy tuck but why does she need other people to pay for her boobs?" again. i do not need and i am not making anyone pay for shit. this is strictly people who WANT to help me. heres the deal, i used to have DD/DDD breasts. i now have an A. the A cup is not even breast tissue, it is stretched skin from when i used to have boobs. unfortunately its not appropriate for me to post a picture bra-less on the internet, so the world will prob never see what my boobs really look like completely unsupported. i have two options. i can remove the excess skin on my chest. if i do that i will have nipples. just like a boy. OR i can fill the space with an implant. initially (and i have paper work to prove it) i WAS planning on just tightening the skin. but the more and more weight i lost, the more and more tissue i lost. at my most recent consultation the doctor let me know i would only have nipples if i did that. then he pulled my skin tight and SHOWED me. i did NOT want implants because i preach natural living and theres nothing natural about a bag of silicone in my chest. but i am a woman and i deserve to look like one even if i have lost weight. either way, the procedures are the SAME PRICE- so if youre just worried about people giving me money for it, what the fuck difference does it make if it would be the same amount either way??
as for his comments about how i have the option for people to "buy shoutouts or follows" but i dont shout anybody out: if you paid any attention the option to buy a follow or a shout out was just added a week ago. why? its called SUPPLY AND DEMAND. every day i get asked to shout someone out or follow someone. well, i am not going to just shoutout and follow every person who asks. if i did, id be following a thousand people and thats not my style. i want to actually know whats going on in the life of the people i follow. if i follow thousands i will never get to know who i am following. as for the shoutouts? if all i do is shout out random accounts all day, i will lose my followers because people are not interested in that! so, i created a tool for people to get a follow or a shoutout that is mutually beneficial. most people only want a shoutout to increase their followers. that is USING me. i am not one to be USED. but if theyre willing to do me a favor (make a donation) i will gladly do a favor in return. some people tell me they DONT want to be shouted out, so they arent.
now, i realize that explaining myself isnt necessary. i dont have to do this. but i am choosing to. for every mother fucker whos a hater with a VOICE there are 100 without one, or at least without the balls to put it on writing on the internet. so if this asshole was bold enough to talk this shit, i know he cannot be the only one thinking it. i know what my intentions and story are, but i do not want anyone to read his bullshit and agree with him without knowing the truth. i dont know how you COULD agree with him if you actually know my story.
what this all boils down to is to THINK before you SPEAK. whether it is in person or on the internet, remember what the target of your cruelty is a HUMAN BEING. if you have no compassion for adults, remember this person was once and innocent little child. it ALWAYS helps me to be more compassionate toward people when i picture them as a child and think about what mustve happened in their life to make them what theyve become. shit, i even use this technique to love myself more. looking at my baby pictures makes me really sad. i look at this innocent sweet baby and i just want to love her because i KNOW whats going to happen to her. that baby doesnt deserve the horrible things that will happen in her life. then i remind myself, i AM that baby, & i dont deserve either.
what i need to consider is what a sad existence this person has. this poor guy. how miserable do you have to be with yourself or your life to make fun of other people for entertainment and validation from the world? i am trying to learn to be more compassionate toward humans and he has awarded me and opportunity. ive been trying to think "what would have to be going on in my life to make me do THAT?" when i see someone do something i want to judge a person for.... it has really helped me to rethink WHY people are so fucking stupid rather than just get mad at them for it. i am SAD for this person. very, very sad. his insecurity is as bright as the sun and thats what lead him to make such a tasteless post at my expense. and unfortunately, my insecurities about my skin and about whether or not starting a fundraiser was right or wrong from the start, brought a tasteless response out of me.
do i regret reacting? not really. although calling someone an asshole and a loser and piece of shit does not make me feel good about myself, i stuck up for myself. i couldve done it in a more mature way and i do wish i had done that, but hindsight is 20/20. my grandfather has ALWAYS told me to stand up for myself and not take shit from anyone, and ive done a pretty damn good job keeping him proud in that department. of course 48 hrs later i am calm and reasonable and wish i had defended myself in a more calm and reasonable way, but at the moment i was SO hurt and it brought the ugly, unreasonable person out of me.
do i apologize for letting my followers know about this person and calling him names? absolutely not at this time. however, i WILL apologize if he apologizes to me.
the saddest part about all this is it has crushed my dreams. for 3 years ive bee saying i want to write a book. when i started saying that, i hadnt even lost weight yet!! so imagine how good my book would be now! there is SO much of my story that is untold. i know if i inspire this many people with a half story, if i told it ALL i could inspire maybe millions!!! my new years resolution for this year was to get my book on paper, ive been taking notes for years, but i wanted to finally write it.
right now, i dont think i will be publishing a book.
the thing is, that "youre a public figure" comment really got to me. right now i am being torn apart and it is unjust because i did not ask for this. i did not do anything but make some social network profiles just like millions of people do every single day. just because some accounts happen to be public does not mean i am inviting scrutiny and criticism. however, if i write a book i AM making myself a public figure. i am INVITING criticism and opinions into my world. i do not know that i want to do that. ignoring the comments is easier said than done. i KNOW if i publish this book i am going to get a LOT of hate and judgement. i dont know that i want to go through that anymore. i know i CAN handle it.... but i dont know that i WANT to. also, i go hard or i go home. so i have a feeling when i do this, i am going to DO it. that means promote the shit out of it. try to get on a talk show. host book signings, all that.... the more of that i do, the more people who will read it! initially i wanted the whole world to read it! but now i think, the more people who read it, the more critics i am going to have, and dealing with this most recent drama, i dont want to invite critics into my life.
oh decisions, decisions.