my boobs are TINY now. i am wearing a C, but theres room in there, im prob more like a big B. when i squeeze my boob & feel the actual tissue, there really isnt any tissue left. i had my consultation for a tummy tuck and boob lift a year ago. at the time, the doc suggested implants and i declined. he pulled up the skin to show me how my boobs would look lifted and told me i would prob be a B cup.... they actually looked really cute, so i decided on a lift. i really didnt want a foreign object in my body.
fast forward! since my initial consult ive lost a ton more weight and my boobs have shrunk, 2 inches around my bust line to be exact. so im thinking i am prob going to end up an A after a lift. when i lay down now, even without the lift, i am flat chested. i dont want foreign objects in my tits, but i REALLY dont want a flat chest.
i was thinking id get a fat transfer to my boobs, as i also hoped to get one to my ass. but now that plan is out. all the good fat comes from the belly and legs. i have more skin than fat left, and the fat i have is barely hydrated because i eat so clean. by the time im ready for either of those, i will have had a tummy tuck, and what good fat is left will be gone. so i am not going to be able to have a fat transfer to my ass or boobs. im squatting and lunging and doing every ass exercise in the book, and i know i can get a muscle ass. however, it doesnt matter how much i work my chest, its not going to fill in where my tits used to be.... even if i put muscles there, ill still be flat chested when i lay down.
so, i cannot believe i am saying this, but.... im getting implants. it will be done at the same time as my lift & tummy tuck. they are already included in the price i locked with my deposit (i was just choosing not to take advantage of that part of the package) so its no extra money or extra surgery. i will be getting saline implants. if i am going to implant a foreign object in my body, its going to be salt water, not silicone. i dont know how i will be able to preach "natural living" with fake tits the rest of my life, but ive been thinking about it heavy for weeks. i dont want to go thru all that surgery, still be unhappy, and need more money and time to do it again. im going to just do it.
im thinking a full C. most of my friends who got a C look like they have a D, so i dont want to go for a D and have giant tits. i wouldnt say i MISS them. for one, big tits make you look fat (well, they make your fat stomach look smaller, but if its just your boobs & face in a pic, huge boobs always lead me to believe the person is chunky)the last thing i want is to look big again. i want to be able to wear shirts that show cleavage- without the whole world worrying theyre about to see nipple (story of my life). i want to be able to be conservative when i want to be. i want to look proportionate ( an A cup on a 160lb body is NOT proportionate). i dont want to have to wonder if someone is looking at me or my boobs, and i dont want to have to wonder if im being looked at as a hoochie, because my boobs are so big. so i think a C will be perfect.
next on the agenda. omg. my erika.
erika and i met my sophomore year of highschool. she was a freshman and had joined the drama club. we became friends right away, i think because we were both drama geeks at heart- but not drama geeks in real life lol when we grew up she moved to LA to go to AMDA and a few months later i moved in with her & her boyfriend to persue hairdressing on the west coast. you never truly know someone until u live with them. this doesnt just apply to boyfriends. you know erika is truly one of my best friends because we lived together, 3000 miles away from home, and we made it out alive, and still great friends. she is the type of friend you can tell ANYTHING to, because you know she will not judge you, no matter how taboo or crazy it is. she is the friend you call to get rid of a body, lol in the past 3 years, between the 2 of us, weve lived in massachusetts, los angeles, florida, new york, rhode island, and vermont- yet ive never gone more than a few months without seeing her, i never feel like shes missing from my life, and shes ALWAYS there for me.
erika has always had a nice body. minimal tummy, fat ass and thick ass thighs. ive ALWAYS loved her body, and at the point when she was 170lbs(depression WILL do that to ya) i still thought she was a bombshell- considering i was almost 300lbs.
today erika texted me to thank me for motivating her to change her life. she has always been into clean food and working out- but shes never really committed to it. in the last few months though, shes finally committed. i can ALWAYS count on her to meet me at zumba when were in the same town. last time i was home, we even went to the gym at midnight one night, so we didnt have to skip a day. shes been BEASTING and it is showing like crazy. she told me that she remembers a convo we had in LA....she was complaining about her body and i was telling her she really needs to just look in the damn mirror and LOVE herself. today at the gym, she was looking in the mirror, and she literally started crying. i swear to god i am crying typing this. i know it sounds so corny, but if youre crying in the gym & its not because youre in pain, youre experiencing some HIGH emotions! i know what it feels like to be so PROUD that you have to cry. you cry in the gym when you realize you have the body you NEVER FUCKING DREAMED OF. everytime ive cried tears of joy over weight loss its because im realizing i climbed mount everest. Today, erika realized she climbed mount everest. she NEVER thought she would do it, she has NEVER loved her body, and she finally does. Oh god! it just makes me so emotional!! to know she is feeling what i feel is like the greatest THANK YOU anyone has ever said to me.
for years and years and years i watched this girl live her life looking gorgeous doing it and always ridiculing herself. she has always hated her thighs, and i remember her being worried they didnt look good in shorts and other bullshit. she was so beautiful the whole time... but it doesnt matter what others see, it matters what YOU see, and erika didnt see it. now she sees it. it might be a different body than she had back in the day, but that doesnt matter. all that matters is she finally found the body that she can look in the mirror and love.
i decided to take my own advice, and look in the mirror and love myself. i was 284lbs and in LOVE with myself. i knew i was fat but you couldnt tell me SHIT. that was my body and i was going to rock it. at the time i truly believed it was the only body i would ever have, so i better learn to love it. now i know we are not stuck in any body, so i dont think you should force yourself to love it INSTEAD of taking care of it, but we should love it all along the whole journey. maybe i dont have my nice thick solid dream fat girl body anymore, but i dont have to hate the body i have. i am not saying im not getting surgery, because i am. what im saying is that i am going to commit to stop beating myself up in the meantime. i have saggy skin and saggy tits. so fucking what. I worked MY ASS off for this skin & this sag. so fucking what if its not aesthetically pleasing. it is a symbol of my hard work and dedication and instead of letting it tear me down, im deciding to get the fuck over it. YEA i have sag! because i lost a fucking human being!!!
so erika, i am SO damn proud of you. THANK YOU for teaching me something about myself today. i am going to look at my self in the mirror every day and make the decision to love this body. it might be my own advice, but it really helped to hear it from you. I LOVE YOU like youre my damn sister, and i am glad youre going to live to be 100 with me. my very own "she-hulk" :)
today i went to the You Fit near evans house to do a circuit training class with him. my gym doesnt have classes so was a nice change of pace. i was the only chick in the class, there were 4 dudes plus the trainer. we did it in the middle of the gym with everyone watching. thats good for me, i like an audience. the audience was fit dudes and not so fit girls. so i figured i needed to show these dudes who the fuck was in their house, and i needed to show these girls that they can keep up with the guys if they put in the work. ok, so it was HARD AS FUCK! the trainer must do insanity, because it was like live insanity plus some. i didnt quit, we were even doing mountain climbers at one point and he was yelling at the dudes " shes still going! we got a man down and shes a beast! you gonna let her show you up?" it was fucking awesome. just the right words i needed, and im sure the man needed, to keep pushing. he made us run laps around the gym a few times, and one time i was first! of course the trainer talked mad shit to the dudes for not catching up to me, i mean they were right behind me, but i held the lead for all 3 laps. the only thing i sucked at was push ups, which i always suck at, and wheel barrel. i did about 50 push ups for real, but i did the last 150 bitch pushups (knees on the ground) i know some might say they dont count, but my arms are not strong (compared to my legs) and i cant go in on push ups. i felt proud of what i accomplished. the first time i tried to wheel barrel, i only got about 6 feet lol. i quit and held evans feet so he could do it, and he didnt quit. then the trainer was talking some smack because i didnt do it, i said i cant (which rarely comes out of my mouth- but i truly didnt think i could) and then he told me to do it half way. i said fuck it, im gonna do it to the recycle bin, about 25' away. evan held my legs, and i did it! it hurt like hell, but i did it :)
after class the trainer came up and asked me how much weight ive lost. i proudly told him 120lbs and he introduced me to one of his clients, whos lost 70. by her current size i could tell she was prob about 300 to start as well. i was super proud of her and congratulated her. i was kind of excited the trainer could tell ive lost weight, but it made me kind of sad too. i know he knew because of my arms. people who are just a little thick, like i am now, dont have arms, like i do now. its like a dead give away. i love that its written all over me "ive lost major weight" but i hate that its written all over me "ex fat girl"! as much as i hate my arms, there is no plan for surgery on them. of course theyre a little saggy, but i cannot believe how little sag there is compared to how BIG they once were. i know if i can do THIS with them, by the time i lose the rest of the fat & gain muscle, they wont be saggy.
ive committed to doing push ups every day. i REALLY want my arms stronger because i really want to be able to do a handstand. me and evan were trying at the gym and i can almost do it..... i look like im about to snap my neck tho because alll my weight it on my head, not my arms. so im doing push ups every day now. i never do them because i am bad at them. kind of like how evan never squats because his legs are his weakness (if u put my legs & evans arms on the same body youd have a BEAST). its just NOT FUN to work your weak body parts. he avoids squatting like the plague. so we made a committment that he is going to do squats every day and i am going to do push ups. in the privacy of our homes, and were not going to pick on eachother no matter how little weight we do (i know it kills him i can squat more than he can, hes a man with a man ego & that is NOT how its supposed to be) but i am not going to tease him. if anything i will tease him for quitting, but ill never tease him for trying. his arms are so defined and strong, i KNOW if he put the same kind of work into his legs hed have huge ones..... and i need to keep convincing myself about the same with my arms :)