Which is insane because when I was 300lbs I didn't care if any one thought I looked like shit and I certainly didn't feel like I looked like shit rarely ever.
Now it seems like every time I go out I am trippin because I feel fat and flat chested.
For some reason I still have 44DD bras in my drawer. I shud burn them all. But I haven't. And tonight I grabbed one by accident and thought DAMN that's big. Then I remembered my boobs busting out of it. Then I put it on. I don't know why. It was just a visual reminder that my boobs are a third of what they once where.
My boobs are so saggy & small I literally was able to fit both in one cup.
I really don't want a foreign object in my body. But I'm really starting to consider implants. I don't want an implant: but I don't think I want small boobs any more either.
I started filming a reality show this week. The outfit the producers picked for me they found on my Instagram.... I didn't suggest it. It had no bra. I tried to be confident and wear no bra because If I looked that bad they wouldn't want me on TV anyway.... But all day long I was super aware of all my coworkers big huge boobs and my pancakes. The next day we were talking about our on camera interviews And my coworker was like "hell yea I was honest! I told them I hate this one & this one has ugly boobs" her and the other girl looked at each other and laughed. Maybe I'm super sensitive & insecure but I'm pretty sure she was talking about me... Either that or my coworker who's had 5 boob jobs an has permanent scars around the nipple.... But it was most likely me.
I will be so mad if they put this chick on TV talking about my body when they know I only look like this because of weightloss. I should be a diva and refuse to do it without surgery... But I'm not important enough to fulfill that request I don't think.... They'd prob rather laugh & drop me from the show than get me surgery so I feel better about being on camera.
I just hate feeling so insecure! I hate feeling like I'm being judged! It's all in my head. I never used to judge anyone's body- and that's prob why I assumed people weren't judging me.... Now I look at everyyyyones body- I can't help it! And it makes me assume everyone's looking at mine. Fucking sucks. I just want to feel good. I feel good when I stuff my face but I feel bad afterward- tried that for years. Now I'm not stuffing my face and I still feel like crap! Don't get me wrong, the good totally out does the bad and I'm happy way more than I'm sad- but I'm SO SICK of being sad. I'm so sick of feeling gross. I'm so sick of feeling "less than" because in a melted wreck. I just need some fucking money so I can get a tummy tuck and fix my boobs. I'm confident I can do my arms in the gym- but I can't fixture stomach and boobs.
If this show ends up airing you guys are prob going to see a real ugly side of me-from the questions they asked me I get the impression I'm the villain. But if they think me being the bad guy is what's going to sell- ill be the bad guy. And take my check right to the damn plastic surgeon. I want surgery like YESTERDAY! I started paying it off a year ago- literally. I never in a million years Thot a year later I'd have less than half paid off. But shit happens. Sooner or later, I'm getting this fixed.