WARNING: this is going to be a long and very emotional one. I have a lot of feelings today lol
Today I feel okaaaay. I feel a little fat. My hair was flat before I got to work (thank u miami humidity). It was doomed from the start.
Really my feeling just "ok" is due to the fact that I've only been doing OK with my weight loss. I was in Massachusetts for 8 days, and the first damn day I went off track! I don't know why, because this is the 4th time I've been to MA since I started losing weight and I've lost weight while there every single time... except this time.
I got off the plane to discover a mess. My toolbox was over the weight limit and I had to take some stuff out and put it in my other bag with clothes. The bottles of developer (the stuff you mix with hair color to make it work) had busted open all over everything. I was worried about all my clothes getting ruined so as soon as I got to my mom's I did laundry. The bad news is I was planning to go to Zumba that night. You know, start my trip off right. But instead I did laundry and missed it. I did get to hold my new niece and visit my oldest and my nephew but I wouldn't have minded an hour away to sweat and get my mind right.
That night I slept at my moms and it was like the food devil inside of me rose from the dead when it recognized our old stomping grounds. I have done SO good not eating after dinner. But this night I wanted snacks, bad. Lucky for me, Mom was grocery shopping the next day and there werent many snacks. But I managed to put down 500 calories in about 15 minutes. The next day when I told my mom she was like "there's no food in the house! how'd you do that?!" Like I said, I managed. Let me break it down for you.
1 yogurt- 100 calories
3 slices of american deli cheese- 300 calories
1 pudding- 100 calories
Yikes! Adds up quick huh? Those 5 items equal almost half of the calories I eat in an ENTIRE DAY.
This is why I literally cannot have anything but fruits, veggies and protein in my house. Because if it's there, I will eat it. I had bought a box of south beach protein bars once. Why? 1- i dont eat reg granola bars anymore because there's so many carbs and sugar and almost no real nutrients 2- i have to actually make an effort to get enough protein or I don't 3- I miss the convenience of a filling granola bar when on the run. So since south beach bars have a shit load of protein and about half the carbs of a granola bar I decided to give them a try! Oatmeal Raisin, YUM. now that im trying to remember I cant remember if there are 8 or 6 in the package... but either way, I ate them all within 2 days. I am very embarrassed by that, and that's why I'm telling all of you. I need to own up to it and remember how shitty it feels so maybe I won't do that again.
Back to my trip, it wasn't all bad. I didn't eat cake at my dad's birthday. My brother and I jogged/walked 2miles in 30 minutes one night. I jogged 3 miles on the bikepath, without stopping or walking, with my mom, twice. Once my brother joined us. My mom and I are signed up to do the "Turkey Trot 5k" in my hometown on Thanksgiving, so this was practice. It's soooooo weird to think about the Romano's taking a family jog.
There was this terrible redhead kid I grew up with (prob where i developed my carrot-top-phobia) and his dad once referred to my family as the Piggy Family. Now that I am grown I realize he was trying to make his fire crotch son feel better at my expense, but at the time, it hurt. The same grown man also asked if they made pleather pants in my size when my friend told him we were going to the store to buy some (it was like year 2000- pleather was in - and i was almost 200lbs and 12 years old). I told my mom and cried my eyes out because I didn't understand why a grown up would make fun of me. Kids I was used to, but grown ups were supposed to STOP kids from picking on me, not join in. One of our lifelong family friends, Ginger, came over and brought we a gold and blue teddy bear. I don't know if she knows how much it meant to me, but if not, I hope she reads this. Maybe she doesn't even remember, but I won't ever forget.
Speaking of getting picked on, there was another kid who picked on me a lot in elementary school. In middle and high school, i hate to be blunt, but I was more popular than him, and he stopped bothering me. I dont remember any specific experiences with him and I didnt hate him through life. We never really became friends even though, but he coluldnt have been that mean because I never wished bad things on him like I did carrot top. Anyways, we grew up and graduated and he sent me a facebook friend request. I accepted, he had joined the Marines, good for him. I sort of wanted him to see how good I was doing anyway. At the time I hadnt lost any weight, but like I said- my weightloss is not responsible for my success- being fat never really held me back professionally. A while went by, he went over seas and returned home safely. He mustve just missed a landmine or something out there because he sent me a facebook message apologizing for picking on me as kids. He remembered specific occasions he had made fun of me, apparently at another classmates birthday party once. I accepted his apology, and we are still facebook friends, but haven't spoke since. I dont really care if we ever become friends or not, but he did restore some of my faith in humanity. I think a lof of us who are picked on as kids assume those kids are the same people as adults. This guy helped me realize some people DO grow up, even if it takes a near death experience or two.
Most days I ate pretty good in MA.... but there was one day that I went to a creamery and farm with my family. I decided to eat pumpkin icecream, it seemed appropriate- it was fall temperature and I never get that in Miami. I also had a candy apple. Same reasoning. I ate that instead of lunch as to not screw up my calorie count. That night my mom went to run an arrand and my brother asked if i wanted some homemade chow-mein he was making. I looked at the nutrition info and could afford to eat it so decided to have it for dinner. my mom knew I was craving papa ginos- because i love their pizza and we dont have PG in florida- so when she got home she asked if we'd like to order a pizza for dinner for all 6 of us. There are only 8 slices- so those of us dieting would only have the option of one slice. But i had just ate chow-mein and didnt even have enough calories left for pizza. I was so frustrated I cried. And then I cried even more for feeling so pathetic for crying over pizza. And then I cried more because I just want to be a regular person who can just have a piece of pizza and not feel like I'm making a fucking life decision. Mind you, this is the same day I jogged 3 miles, so I had no business feeling like such a fat ass for crying over pizza.
I was supposed to go to Zumba another day as well. I got a whole group to go with me! Then I got a message from the instructor telling me there would be pageant practice at the studio at zumba time so now zumba was going to be at 7 or 8am. I dont even remember, all I know was it was way to frieken early for me to wake up on a sunday on vacation after doing hair for about 50hrs that week. But i was bummed because I misssed the other zumba class! so we decided to find one. We did, at escape to fitness! it said 11am on the website. So we called and asked if we had to be members to come to the 11am zumba class sunday and the woman said no, its just $5. PERFECT! sunday morning we put on our neon workout clothes and went to tropical smoothie to get fueled up. We arrive at Escape to Fitness and notice theres pretty zumba-ish music on... we go to the desk and the big schedule behind it says:
We tell the lady we're there for zumba, its about 10:55. She says "oh, zumba was at 10." wtf. so the website says 11.... the sign behind you says 11.... the woman on the phone didnt correct us and say it was not at 11.... and it's at 10?? WTF? soooo, we missed zumba.... again. This deff messed with my mood because I planned to zumba 3x and didn't zumba ONCE while out of town. It gets better, my instructor in FL is out of town this week so theres no zumba here either! That day we did end up going to my friends apartment and her, another friend, and I did zumba videos on youtube. I showed them some of my favorite moves from my class and erika shared her favorite videos. we did sweat. but it just wasnt the same. This is the morning of the pizza incident.... it was an emotional day lol
If you live in/around New Bedford, MA and want to eat healthy I have 2 suggestions that I frequent when I'm there. #1- Tropical Smoothie- go to the website for all nutrition info. I had some blueberry oatmeal one or something- it was amazing. keep in mind these are meant to be a meal, and have enough calories and nutrients to be a meal, so dont over do it! #2- The Water Front Grille- there is an appetizer called the Mezza Plate. It includes hummus, pita bread, olives, artichoke, mozzarella, and some other delicious stuff. It was so good. They also have amazing Tofu Tacos and a Seafood salad ( salad with fresh shellfish on top) to die for. I'm not a chef or anything but these dishes appear to have very simple and fresh ingredients, which is exactly what we want to shrink our muffin tops :) Plus, if you go in the near future their adorable bartender Joey can make you a low calorie alcoholic drink with POMwonderful juice. Tell him I sent you so he knows wtf you're talking about :-D
So although not a complete failure, I did not lose weight on vacation, which kind of screwed with my flow, and I havent lost anything since I've been back. However I did wear a size 12 skirt today. But since I have been home I have been NONSTOP between working freelance, working at the salon, and starting training for another salon. I have a TO-DO list with about 30 things on it. It IS an EXCUSE, but i've been using "im so busy" as my excuse for not working out. Truth be told my fucking feet hurt, my back and shoulders hurt, because I am WORN OUT.... so my body just might be telling me to relax, but when I relax i feel like a loser, a failure, and am ashamed. Someone once told me "Excuses are for Losers!" and I took it to heart, now whenever I make an excuse, valid or not, I feel like a loser.
The whole "eyes on me" "tell everyone everything" thing is good because it less tempting to throw in the towel, but at the same time I think I'm allowing it to mess with me. I am sort of feeling like I am a bad example if I don't lose weight every week. But in real life people dont lose weight every week all the time, so it's OK if i do the same. No one has ever said they were disappointed or let down that my weight loss has slowed down, but I kind of am. I just want to lose every week until I get to where I am going. I feel like any week I am not closer to my goal was a week wasted.
So since I am using today's blog entry as a therapy session I might as well go balls to the wall and talk about body image. It is no secret that I am a part time nudist. I love to be naked, I do not think it's sexual I think it is freeing. when i go to the beach, unless its with someones kid, I am at the nude beach. "oh well if its not sexual then why cant kids go?" they can, and some parents to bring them. However i dont think letting your kid run around anywhere naked is smart with all of the child predators these days. ANYWAYS, I dont go nude anymore. I wear bottoms. My belly reminds me of Kate Gosselin after delivering 8 babies. its flabby, saggy, yucky. I dont want anyone to see. If you know I was fat I dont care. But strangers dont know, and I dont like people looking at me and thinking WTF.... they dont know i look like this because Ive been kicking ass for 9months- they see a nasty fat girl- and have no idea where I came from. I'll show the top of my stomach, but I don't want people seeing the bottom. I used to parade down the beach looking 8 months pregnant and feeling like Adrianna Lima when I was almost 300lb. That was MY body. I had spent so much time in it I'd learned to love it. I didnt care what anyone thought. Now I am in a new body and it changes every damn day. Its been 9 mons but its not like its been this body for 9 mons, so as soon as i adjust to a size, I shrink again. I havent had time to accept and love myself each step of the way. It was like I felt hot naked fat, and now I wont feel hot naked again until theres no more fat. It makes no sense but this is my brain. Please, scientists, study this hot mess.
Stretch marks are a lot more obvious when the skin is no longer stretched. I had stretch marks I never knew about. In places they were so stretched out and old they blended in with my skin, and now I see them. The ones I could see before look extra deep. for example, most women with big tits have stretch marks on them. I was one of them. Well, now I have saggy flapjacks that look like a lion scratched them. Except I havent been topless around any lions, those are deep as fuck stretch marks
So, i exercise regularly, and I understand exercise helps to tighten skin. However, exercise is not magic. It doesnt matter how many reps I do on the chest exercise machines, my tit muscles are never going to be so big that my skin sacks refill and perk up. Not going to happen, in a million years. That skin is so stretched that I can pull it, and you can see it is detached from the fat because it doesnt go right back. The skin you pulled up will stay pinched up for a few seconds! NO elasticity left! My stomach keeps shrinking and shrinking. Before I looked pregnant- big round and hard. now I have a flat-ish soft saggy stomach. It isnt round, it hangs. Like- touches the very top of my thigh. It also looks super wrinkly sometimes. If you are a male reading this- youre welcome for ensuring you will not have wet dreams about me tonight lol :-P Sorry for the graphics people- but I cant have you all thinking this looks how it looks in clothes- without them. 1- because i would not be being honest about my body issue feelings i am having, and 2- i dont want other saggy people thinking "wtf i lost all this weight and now I am gross, how come shes all tight and toned?!"
My loose skin and stretch marks go hand in hand. Think about it, "you should just keep going to the gym- itll tighten up" sayers- STRETCH MARKS CANT UNSTRETCH. A stretch mark is a scar made when your skins collagen levels are interrupted by rapid stretching. The mark is essentially a tear in your skin due to insufficient collagen or lack of elastin fibers. They can't be "undone". so if theres been stretched huge (like me at 284lbs) i dont see how its going to shrink enough to fit a much smaller mass tightly. for more info on stretchmarks check out this article:
I'm not saying its impossible to tighten skin with exercise- it deff is- i mean look at all the spots that the skin is vacuum sealed to me like it should be. my lower arms, legs, neck, back are just a few places where i've lost major inches and the skin tightened right up. the difference between this skin and the skin that is not tighetening? Those places dont have crazy stretchmarks.
So what do you do? I feel like I would rather be fat and firm than thin and flabby. So I want surgery. I am getting a tummy tuck and breast lift when I finish losing my weight. I've already had a consultation, put a deposit, and the wheels are in motion. People get surgery to lose weight ALL THE TIME and we all pat them on the back and tell them "great job"! so how come so many people have issues with me getting surgery after I lose the weight by myself? The first person who says I got skinny because I got a tummy tuck is going to get knocked out. I can wear a tight dress and convince you I am a bombshell RIGHT NOW, PRE-SURGERY. There for I WAS ALREADY SKINNY and the tummy tuck is just an enhancement. I just want a permanent dress to hold everything in place, and since thats not possible- tummy tuck it is!
i have sooo much more to say on that subject but I am really trying to save it for when I am actually having my surgery- u know I will have 3 weeks to do absolutely nothing so Im sure i'll blog :-P
Phew, I feel much better now. I clearly had some things to get off my chest... thank you for listening <3