i remember doing the math in the beginning and thinking it was going to take FOREVERRRRR to actually lose the weight. At that time i had no visions of being 50% of me, i just wanted to be 199! so i wasnt even trying to figure out how long it would take to lose half. in less than two years, i lost HALF my body weight. also keep in mind i do weights 3x a week and have done 2 rounds of insanity. i have gained a lot of muscle, so in reality, i am sure ive lost more than half my weight, but the number FINALLY shows on the scale!!!
a couple days ago, i had asked some people on facebook what their suggestions were for me to celebrate. i got all kinds of crazy answers! Sky dive, a night on the town, a house party, a sexy boudoir shoot, a tattoo, booking my surgery date, a new outfit, etc. most of those responses werent too appealing to me because theyre expensive and i am really committing to minimal spending. im making surgery happen this summer- part of my commitment to reaching my goal is to spend no $ on extras, so i needed a cheap celebration. i have been DYING for a new tattoo, so i almost talked myself into that, but the problem is i am specifically working on my sleeve right now and the areas that are empty and going to be removed most likely, so i dont want to put a tattoo on or around that area and risk it looking crazy when the skin is pulled, or being half gone if its cut. the boudoir shoot was not even an option because there is not the finished product to need a photographic memory of. the night on the town or house party was a no go because i am not a partier in normal life, so missing out on the social part isnt something i have really missed.
the day came today, and i still hadt decided how to celebrate. i mean really, my half marathon in 20 days will be my celebration, but i wanted to celebrate TODAY. a couple people had suggested eating something, and at first i thought that was completely ridiculous. i havent had a cheat meal since before the ultimate reset though.... so its been 5 weeks since ive had a cheat. actually, i havent had a meal that would not be approved on the ultimate reset in 5 weeks, now that i think about it. i did not want to use this success as an excuse to binge, but i decided i did want a treat. i had an amazing slice (just one) of vegan pizza from whole foods, i made an awesome salad from the salad bar, and had a vegan carrot cupcake. it was cheap (less than $20), it was delicious, it was vegan, and i dont feel terribly guilty about it. it was intentional, it was still as clean as pizza and cupcakes come, and i enjoyed it. i had shakeology for breakfast and the food lasted me the rest of the day. my belly cant handle the type of volume it used to LOL after i finished eating i went back to the gym (i had already done 60 minutes of running for half marathon training) and did another 82 minutes at a 12.0 incline and 3.5 speed. so in honor of losing 142lbs, i spent 142 minutes on the treadmill! today wasnt only my first "cheat" since before the ultimate reset, but it was also the first time i consumed gluten in 5 weeks. i think its safe to say my trainer is RIGHT. because my belly was so gurgly on the treadmill, i had to RUN to the bathroom afterward, and i still have a little belly ache now, and a lot of bloating. i actually just broke my seal of "no chemicals" and took one of my prescriptions from when i got really sick over the summer (when my trainer suggested it was celiac disease) because i am kind of worried i will get as sick as i did over the summer. i am sure there was wheat in the pizza crust and there was definitely wheat in the cupcake, i also had some bulgar wheat in my salad. now i am considering my gluten intolerance confirmed, rather than a suspicion, and i will officially make an effort to eat less gluten. im not never going to eat it again. im just going to be very aware of the side effects it has on my body, and be careful about eating 3 different foods all with gluten in them at one damn time.
the last thing i did today to celebrate was book a photoshoot for tomorrow. one of my good friends also happens to be a great photographer. ive decided to drop my ego and make a GO FUND ME account. its like a page where you can start your own charity for ay reason. people do it for sick patients who need expensive treatments, but theres also girls on there who are raising money for prom and stuff. it totally varies. i have seen posts of people using it to raise money for skin removal surgery in the past, so i am dropping my ego and asking for help. i figure even if i had 100 people give me $5, thats still $500 more to put toward my surgery fund. So tomorrow, Sito is going to use his fancy dancy camera and take pictures of me. My GO FUND ME profile will contain HD pictures of my wrinkles and sag in all of their glory. i think it will be liberating to post them for the world to see, and i also think it will help people understand why i am obsessed with getting this done. if youve only seen me dressed, i look great and my obsession may seem unnecessary. however, if youve seen me up close and person without much clothing, youll have a much better understanding. I am nervous. even though sito is my friend and i know he is proud of me, it is nerve wracking. he is a pinup and glamism photographer, so he takes hot ass pictures of sexy ass girls. i know he knows this isnt that kind of shoot, but for some reason i still feel like i am naturally being compared to the girls he normally shoots. im having completely unnecessary anxiety about this. he and his family are some of the people i am closest to down here, so i know i will be in a safe and supportive environment, but its definitely a lot to digest. but i know taking the pics is only going to make me stronger. and hopefully post surgery we do another shoot where i actually look awesome :)
if youd asked me two years ago where i would be today, i would NEVER suggest any of this. losing 50% of me was so far off my radar that i literally never even dreamed of this. i always felt like i would always be fat, and i was always supposed to be fat. i kind of felt a little obligated not to get too skinny because i was like a plus size equal rights fighter.... but my mind was in such a different place then. i now know that i can be a fit person and i dont have to feel guilt about leaving the plus size world. although i was encouraging self acceptance then, i was also promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. i still want big girls to love themselves, but i dont want them to use loving themselves as an excuse to stay unhealthy. and if youre like me and no doctor has told you that youre unhealthy, i PROMISE, it will happen. you can only be fat & healthy for so long. its NEVER lasted forever. not with one single person. when you meet a 60 year old obese person without heart disease or diabetes, please bring them to me- so i can prove to you they are an alien.... because that does not exist (although many people go undiagnosed).
i got the title of this entry from my shrink. at my last appointment he commented i was half the person living twice the life. i liked that. he is one of my biggest fans, i think. he knows i am sane because every time i leave he says " please come back, even if its only once a year". i always tell him i will ALWAYS be back. and i never go longer than 2 months without seeing him ( i used to see him every week! my how ive grown!)and i like having an appointment set up, so when my life does get crazy i know we have a meeting right around the corner so i dont need to panic. it really flatters me that he thinks so highly of me. with the acception of one of my best friends, he is the only person on this universe who knows all my BS. 4 years ago you couldnt have paid me a million dollars to believe this would be my life. today, its hard for me to believe THAT was my life. you can do ANYTHING. you truly can. you just have to want it and be prepared to do the work!! i never, ever, ever saw this coming. my LIFE is so much better. and not because i am a smaller person, but with the mind shift that came with reaching so many of my "unattainable" goals.
50% WEIGHT LOSS RECAP!
starting weight: 284
current weight: 141.6
starting bust: 42DD
current bust: 34A
starting neck: 15.5"
current neck: 12"
current waist: 29"
current belly/hips: 35"
starting thigh: 32"
current thigh: 21.5"
starting calf: 20"
current calf: 14.5"
starting arm: 18.5"
current arm: 11.5"
starting BMI: 45.8 (extremely obese)
current BMI: 22.9 (normal weight)
starting blood pressure: 128/84
current blood pressure: 103/64
starting HGB: 12.9
current HGB: 14.4
total pounds lost: 142.4
total inches lost: 88" (60inches = 5feet)
In the beginining, this was a secret. I didnt want to tell anyone i was trying to lose weight because i didnt want to be embarrassed if i didnt stick with it. i didnt want anyone to judge me or to hear anyone say that i would fail. i also didnt want to make a big deal when i had only lost a couple pounds, since i was so big, celebrating a 5lb loss seemed stupid. in my first month i lost 10lbs and no one noticed. in my second month i started insanity and lost another 10lbs. no one noticed. by my third month i started talking about it and people were starting to notice, but i thought they only said it because i said it first. i remember a friend calling me to hang out and i told him "im busy, i started doing insanity and havent done it yet today" and he gave a little chuckle, like why would i even waste my time pretending that im going to do insanity. well now i have an "I EARNED IT" TSHIRT. when he LIKES my statuses and pictures now, i wonder if he remembers brushing off my seriousness. in the beginning a lot of people tried to pressure me to go off track and to drink and to eat and all that. but eventually i got more confident and more serious and people began to take me more seriously. now my friends and family eat well with me often, and when they dont, they may offer but they never pressure me to have anything.
i think its safe to say, for those who didnt think id really do it, you must feel like a FOOL now. because i did it. and please do not hold your breath waiting for me to gain it back, because that will NEVER happen. in general, i get nothing but positive reinforcement though. so much more than i every expected. hundreds of photo LIKES, thousands of followers, 50,000 hits to my blog in a year, the support is UN REAL. i have a shit load of unread messages and emails from today, mostly congratulating me, and i havent been able to respond to them all. i never anticipated this volume of support. it makes me feel absolutely amazing, especially since ive gone thru the bulk of my life feeling incredibly alone. so if youre one of the people who shows me love and tells me how proud you are and what an inspiration ive been, i cant thank you enough. i really feel that is whats made the difference between giving up and sticking with it, on my worst days. i know i have people to help and inspire, and i know thousands of people are routing for me. you might think your comments are no big deal because ive "heard it a thousand times" but every single comment, every single time, from every single one of you, seriously warms my heart. so, thank YOU.