ive been so bad i didnt even want to get on the scale to weigh in for a BEFORE weight for my ultimate reset challenge group. i did it today. it says i gained FIFTEEN POUNDS!!! now, that is impossible. weight loss is a science, and so is weight gain. in order to have gained 15lbs i would have had to eat 52,000 more calories than i burned. i did NOT slack on my running or workouts. i ate crap, and A LOT OF IT, but deff not 52thousand calories more than i burned. i also havent pooped in about 5 days due to the dairy i consumed in halloween candy and cupcakes. so 5 days worth of binging is in my intestines right now. i am going to admit all the bullshit i consumed, because i am embarassed and ashamed and need to get it off my chest.
-and entire 70 piece bag of halloween candy (milk duds, twizzlers, jolly ranchers, whoppers)
-an entire bag of hershey kisses
-a LARGE pizza from papajohns with no cheese but peppers and onions. the sad part about this is i tried to have a LITTLE control and ordered a small and paid for a small, but they brought me a large.
-a frozen cheese pizza
-a butterfinger candy bar
-8 mini cupcakes
-a veggie cantina burrito with tortilla chips and guacamole from taco bell
- 2 burgerless cheeseburgers from McDs
- a small jar of peanut butter
- a 99cent bag of Sweet Chili Doritos
- a pint of peanut butter cup ice cream
- seriously fried plantains
-a lolly pop
- a snack size bag of skittles
- sweet tomato (soup salad and pasta buffet- i got it to go so i didnt do the buffet but i took wayyy too much bread for my own good.)
- veggie burrito, chips & guac from Chipotle
and that was all in ONE WEEK. throw in a glass of shakeology and a salad each day and that was my week. the thing is, i had shakeO for breakfast and salad for lunch all week, and then binged my face out every night. i am a food addict and binge eater. Once i start it is SO hard to stop. it starts off one day and then i wake up the next day like OH SHIT! I dont look fat!! and then i go to the gym and try to start fresh and then by night time im thinking, well, if i didnt get fat from yesterday a little more today is ok- besssssides, im detoxing in a week! then eventually one morning u wake up actually looking bigger. and then it turns into "well fuck, even if i eat great all day today anyways i still look like THIS!" so then another slip up happens. so bad. so so bad. but part of fixing your problems is learning to identify them. im identifying my patterns so i can make a better effort at correcting them.
i havent gone on a week long binge of this caliber in such a long time. i feel embarassed. but i also feel like it was meant to happen because i was being too strict for too long. tomorrow i start the ultimate reset. its a 21 day no starvation cleanse. you take a ton of all natural supplements as well as eat according to a super clean diet plan. it not only helps you lose weight (ive seen a guy lose 31lbs in 21 days!) but it literally hits your bodies reset button. all of the environmental toxins will be released as well as undoing some of the damage weve done with poor eating, GMOs, and drinking booze. i deff NEED to reset after this week. part of my binge rational was that i paid a lot of money for this detox and i wanted to have results with it. i was afraid that if i went into it at 140lbs i might not notice much difference. its a terrible excuse to act the way i acted, but it deff was part of my thinking process.
i feel like such a fat piece of shit right now. i feel fat because the scale just told me i gained 15lbs. i know i didnt gain 15 (i would estimate probably half of that if i hadnt eaten so much last night and hopped on the scale this AM) but i still know i LOOK fatter. my belly is rounded. you cant see my ribs anymore. its so crazy results that take MONTHS to achieve can be undone in days. makes me wanna cry. why would i do this to myself? the piece of shit part isnt becuase i feel fat. i know being fat doesnt make anyone a POS. but i took too many steps backward. i showed no self control. i did not practice what i preach. i did not think rationally. that is all very embarassing. i was very weak this week, and im ready for it to be over.
tomorrow i start a new challenge group, helping a new group of people get fit with me! i will need them as much as they need me this time around. 2 other members of the group are doing the reset with me. i am glad because the support of someone knowing exactly what youre going thru makes it much easier. tomorrow cannot come fast enough! eating crap always starts off feeling great and making me feel "happy" but it always ends in a belly ache and depression. im sick of feeling like crap and so ready to get back on track!!