i didnt have any appointments, which sucked ass because i missed so much work being sick and im kind of behind financially (miss hundreds of dollars at work, and then get slammed with an ER bill & find out your student loan payment has doubled all in the same week. fuckkkkk!) i decided to cancel personal training for the day, to save the money. So all i had to do was go to Nuerofeedback.
i went to the nude beach, i havent been in a while. it used to be my SPOT but isnt really anymore. going to the nude beach really helped raise my self esteem. being NUDE and 300lbs in public and no one is looking at you as if youre crazy or gross is SO LIBERATING! the majority of the beach goers are senior citizens. then there are the naked liberalists like me. then there are the tourists and/or locals who are just there to check it out, and ruin it lol.
i arrived in clolthes because i wanted to run. theres a mile cement walkway between the beach and the street. i wanted to run the mile and then run the mile back on the sand. i did it! and in good time! and sweated my ass off lol. then it was time to relax.
i used to be nude at the nude beach. now i wear bottoms. i am more self conscious about my saggy melted belly than i was about my 57" waist. i dont care about my vagina showing, that looks normal lol but PLEASE dont look at my belly lol. i started to feel more and more comfortable, looking around at all the old saggy bodies just enjoying themselves. comfortable enough to let my saggy tits free. and then the strippers showed up. i knew they were strippers because they were covered in the absolute worst wanna be sexy tattoos of all time. they had huge fake asses and fake tits, and although they were not fat- they had soft stomachs. as a gym rat, i know those bitches do NOT work out.... but they still made me self conscious. they were wearing these tiny g-strings that were basically pussy lip covers, because thats literally all they covered. one of the 3 was about to take hers off and another one of the girls yelled at her "what the fuck are you doing! doint take that off! these people arent paying you to see that!" oh god! someone shoot me please!!!!!! bitches like this RUIN the nude beach. first of all- this is a NATURIST BEACH- which means you are here to be one with nature. it is NOT a sexual place at ALL. its actually just as illegal to have sex there as it is to have sex in any other public place. generally, no one talks to you, and when they do they are not oogling your goodies. NO ONE there is going to PAY to see someone naked, dumb bitches. NO ONE there thinks your crotch is that special, dumb bitches. that is NOT what this place is about. so PLEASE take your negative energy elsewhere. bitch, dont kill my vibe!
i know i was extra sensitive because of something that happened on facebook earlier in the week. someone posted a picture of a fat girl in a bikini saying "this should be illegal". i wanted to SLAP that bitch. the WORST part? shes a beach body coach. this woman gets PAID to help people change their lives and get fit. how the fuck is a person supposed to feel comfortable asking her for help when they have to worry she is going to make fun of them? i cant believe im even going to say this, but that day i was embarrassed to be a beach body coach. i dont want to be on a team with people like her. i deleted her from my FB, i didnt comment, i didnt have to- two other people told her she was a douche before i even saw it. fortunately, the next day we had a webinar and i was reminded that the bulk of my team is NOT like her, and supports fat people, no matter where they are on their journey- even if its yet to start.
i deff took it personal- because I AM THE FAT GIRL IN A BIKINI!!!! i am TERRIFIED to wear a bikini to a beach that is not nude. every time i do it, its not to show off, its to try to get the fuck over it. i always say, if you know i lost over 100lbs you would congratulate me, but if you dont know i lost weight you think "why the fuck is that fat girl wearing that?" as much as my friends and family try to convince me this is not true, this poster reminded me it is. who the fuck is she to judge that woman? how do u not know shes already lost 50lbs and is so happy & trying to build her confidence in that bikini, like me? YOU DONT. you never know where someone is on their journey, so its best to SHUT THE FUCK UP. i know some people will be like "but ashley, u posted a pic making fun of girls at the gym a few weeks ago" yes. i know. those girls were LAYING on the ground playing on Instagram and Candy crush! there was NO working out happening! id never make fun of someones workout or level of workout. but this was NOT A WORKOUT. the poster also tried to defend her post, saying she wasnt talking about the woman being fat- she was saying its inappropriate to wear that "i'm skinny and i woluldnt wear that in front of kids" well bitch, by starting that statement with "im skinny" youre suggesting youre more entitled to wear that than her, and YOURE NOT! im sick and fucking tired of people thinking fat people need to wear MooMoos!!!!! what the fuck! whether my clothes are loose or tight, big or small you still know im fat! so who fucking cares what i cover my body with?! i have to cover my fat in a way that those who dont like it dont have to see it? well why arent ugly people coverfing their face? why arent people with fucked up hair bald? if they dont have to cover up for society why do fat people?! i will defend this belief until every ugly mother fucker i look at is demanded to put a bag over their head. and when that happens- ill agree fat people can stop showing their fat.
so yea, the strippers with bodies they did no work for, and the moron who was ridiculing the bikini wearer, made me feel insecure at the beach. hate being influenced by outside forces but sometimes i cant help it.
i had to leave around 2 to go to nuerofeedback and get my brain trained. then i was feeling motivated so i invited evan to meet me at the beach for round 2. we ran another 2 miles, same route. evan is a fast runner because his legs are so long, but he doesnt have a lot of endurance. i am super proud that although i may not be the fastest runner, i never walk!!! if im running a 5k that means i RAN a 5k, no walking in between. thats why i pace my run at a speed that i can keep up for the duration of my run. anyways, running with evan is annoying, because although he cant keep up with my run, he HAS to finish first. so were running and after a few mins he stops to walk. about 10 mins later he caught up to me. we passed a group of people crossing the walkway to the beach. he was a few steps in front of me. a couple minutes later he stopped to walk again, and i passed him. i ran ahead of him the rest of the first mile, and then i went onto the sand to run the route back. about halfway back, i spotted the people who had crossed our path, on the sand. i thought to myself "theres no way evan is going to let these people see me in front of him" and sure enough, just before we passed them, he came sprinting past me. just after we passed them, he was walking. toward the end of the run, where the people actually were, i knew hed catch up, and he did, and beat me to the finish line for everyone to see. i understand as a man with an old fashion mentatlity, he HAS to be stronger and faster than me or he feels like shit. fortunately for him, my ego can take the abuse. but just so you know, ev, im on to you!! lol
after the second run i layed in the sand, read my cosmo, went swimming, and had a great day. i didnt get home until after 7pm. while i was driving home, this tourist in the cross walk yells to me "hey! great work on your biceps!" i wanted to cry. i get this ALL the time. from a distance, it looks like i have huge biceps. but its just fat. ive had a roll on my arm literally since birth. its in baby pics, kid pics, teen pics, adult pics. dont act like u dont know what im talking about lol. i was just getting really excited at how small its getting, im finally seeing progress! and then this dude points out to me "nope! still huge!" fuuuuuuuck! i remember as a kid, other kids told me what big arm muscles i had. its so fucking embarrassing and i cant wait for the day when it really is my muscles youre seeing.
ive had two really awesome people reach out to me in the past few days. i get emails daily asking for advice or thanking me for inspiration. it can actually be a little overwhelming, and is part of the reason i started the blog- so i could compile info here instead of telling my story 6oox to everyone who asks lol but i still get really excited about some situations from time to time. yeseterday, heather shanholtz (yea, i name dropped lol) called me. she is a model whos been in Maxim, American Curves, Muscle Mag, etc. she is considering a vegan diet and wanted my advice. holy shit! a "muscle mag" cover girl wants to know what i eat?! i must be dreaming!!! i helped her as much as i could, and then told her about frank medrano (the vegan body builder i posted about the other day). i am for some reason afraid to only give my advice, i want her to know what frank eats too..... because im scared it wont work for her and i dont want it to be my fault. ive really got to get a grip on other peoples actions having nothing to do with me.....the other day i got an email titled "i NEED YOUR HELP!" and she spilled her heart out to me about how she saw me on IG and she cant stop looking and she considers me her hero. holy shit, im flattered, but what a title!! i never did this for anyone but me. i needed to lose weight. ive always loved to write, and it helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. posting it for the world forced accountability on me.... but i didnt think anyone was actually going to read this. maybe my friends and family, but deff not strangers. for the first time, i am actually feeling a little bit of pressure. its awesome, but a little overwhelming. i am scared because i am not a "professional" dietician or trainer. i dont want to lead anyone in the wrong direction or be responbile for anyones failiures. i dont know how to make people lose weight. i only know how I lost weight. it makes me really nervous that people are looking up to me like that. my trainer says not to worry, i am helping people as long as i know more about the subject than they do. i dont have to teach them everything or help them with everything. but if i can teach them something or help them with something, ive done my job. one day i think i will take my trainers advice and move forward with becoming a certified personal trainer. i mean, i can tell you all about how to lose weight using beach body tools.... but not everyone is interested in that. i want to feel confident i can help EVERYONE. i think a huge stress of being a trainer or even just a motivator and coach like me is that theres so much i cannot control. i can tell people all day what to do, and if they dont do it, theyre going to blame me for lack of results! i am not sure what the proper way to convince people i am not crazy and what i believe in can save their lives. for right now, ill just keep blogging and sending tough love in your direction. im willing to be a role model or motivator, but for now, thats it. i want to help you lose weight by showing you it can be done, and how i did it. if youre willing to pay for beach body i can guarentee results that way, but i am still new to all this myself.... i guess im worried the more people put me on a pedastal, the more people i will let down. i want to save the world, but i can only do it by educating you until you cant live in denial anymore. i cant psycially do anything for you, trust me, if i could i would!!! Just to clarify- I'm not saying I don't want anyone to ask me for help, just please have realistic expectations of what I can do for you :)
speaking of which! the biggest girl in the thick salon is working out! shes down 13lbs! i found out on instragram, which made me really sad she didnt tell me.... but i understand. maybe she was afraid if she told me id be monitoring or hounding her. i dont know. it made me sad she didnt want to share it with me (ive been DYING to get her on board) but it makes me happy shes doing it :) you go girl!!!
so, im proud to say ive been 100% on track for the past two days! ever since i got better from being sick ive had a really hard time getting into the swing of things. ive just craved carbs like crazy!!!!! craving something is not a problem, giving in is. i hate when people say you should give into your cravings. no you shouldnt! first of all, your body doesnt actually need what it craves. its like dreaming. you dream one thing but it means something else. you crave one thing and 9 times out of 10 your body needs something else, not actually what its craving. the only time i believe my cravings is when i am out of town and fresh produce deprived. i salivate at the thought of a salad lol anyways, dont give into your cravings! crack heads crave crack! does that mean they should use it? NO. but i didnt listen to that advice the last few weeks. ive bought more bread and chips than i ever buy, and i am not using portion control. i actually ate an entire bag of sweet chili doritos in a day (yes, theyre vegan), and entire loaf of bread another day, a whole medium(no cheese) pizza another day..... the worst part was i did awesome all day, and fucked up giving in to cravings at night (worse time ever!). on sunday i was emailing someone needing motivation and i thought to myself "practice what the fuck you preach!" how are u gonna tell this girl to DECIDE, COMMIT, AND SUCCEED if youre not even doing that right now?! so sunday night i decided, and since then ive recommitted. and i feel great. i hate how i feel when i wake up after a long night of carb binging. but thats how i know obesity is a disease. because like alcohol or drugs, i KNOW the harm its going to do, i KNOW how shitty im going to feel when the good feelings wear off, and i STILL do it. fuuuuuuuck! im much more controlled than the old me, but its still a struggle. i dont tell you this to make you feel like theres no hope, but i want u to realize its a life long battle. i have no fear of gaining all my weight back or anything. but i know im going to struggle between a perfect diet and a fat girl diet for the rest of my life. if this is still happening to you, youre not a lone! its totally normal!
and to close.... please watch THIS video on youtube. it makes my heart SO fuzzy!!!!!! i think from day 1 we should tell children what theyre really eating & make them decided. ive actually heard parents say "dont tell them that!" when someone tells their child that theyre eating a chicken like on a farm.... children are compassionate creatures. if we stopped brain washing them, theyd prob be vegetarians lol i think i will raise my children knowing that some food has a face. i plan to raise my children vegan, and if they want to eat something non vegan at a birthday or whatever they can....i dont want to deprive them from "normal" or give them a reason to go ape shit and eat a whole box of oreos and pop tarts in a night ( one of my friends had a vegan mom & she would BINGE till she was sick whenever she came over. she was not allowed to eat anything bad so she snuck it when she slept out). i like to hope that with the right education and bodies that work like well oiled machines, they wont have much desire to eat animals, and if they do, theyll get sick and think twice next time lol ive never been a mom and i dont personally know any vegan moms. this is something ill do PLENTY of research on before i have kids though. i cannot wait to raise children that are healthy and fit. i REFUSE to continue the cycle! to have a daughter that graduates high school without ever being on a diet would be a dream come true! i always wondered if id have fat kids, becuase my whole family is fat, or if id be one of those weird fat people with skinny kids. now i dont have to wonder, becuase i know i am in complete control. trust me, my kids will NOT be fat. im not ready just yet, but i am SO excited for that part of my life. im mentally preparing to be super mom :)