I'm feeling 1000x better today. I'm sure a lot to do with it is that my friend and I were able to talk about some issues we're having this morning- that had been weighing on me very heavily for the last few days. I also got to sleep on my consultation experience and woke up feeling less upset an overwhelmed.
I just finished working out with my trainer and she shared a quote with me in a completely unrelated conversation. "Perfection ruins all things good". A surgeon for example, could be sewing a stitch and think he needs to pull just a little tighter to make it perfect, and he pulls the whole thread out. We can't let trying to be perfect mess up what is already really good.
Part of my problem is that now I have reached all of my weightloss goals so I don't know what to do with myself. For two years my life has revolved around weightloss. In my experience, that's the only way it works. You don't lose 140lbs trying to work weight loss into your life. If that's what you try to do it'll never get done. When I realized that, I made THIS my life and everything else would go around it. Well now I hit my goal so I feel lost. I need something to be working toward. I need something new to revolve my life around, and given the fact that I've been dreaming about having surgery for so long, it was very easy to make getting surgery my new life focus.
I think maybe it'll be smart to make my new obsession coaching. It would put more focus on helping other people reach their goals and in turn id make more money, further helping me teach my surgery goal. The hard part about that is, as any coach or trainer knows, you can't MAKE anyone take your advice. It becomes a little bit of a downer because my clients successes depend on them, not me. So when they decide not to do it or it's not for them or they're not ready or they're scared, it makes me feel like I've failed. I'd say "maybe I need tone a better coach then", becaus there is always room for improvement it's true. But I know from talking with my amazing trainer about her experiences that it's not the trainer. She is amazing an has clients lose 40lbs and gain 50! And she has helped me. It's not her, it's the people she works with. Idk if I am ready to use other people success as a measure of my own just yet. But being a better coach is definitely going to be part of my new obsession.
I also thought maybe I should start singing again. I am a musical nerd. I was obsessed with singing as a kid and got to highschool and joined dRama club. As awesome as it would be to do a musical again, I cannot commit to that kind of rehearsal schedule. But maybe I don't have to do theater. Maybe I will just start making YouTube videos and doing open mic and singing in my bedroom. As a kid i would spend hours and hours up in my bedroom singing the same song over and over just trying to perfect it and train my voice. The passion I had for that at that time is very close to the passion I have for losing weight. I'm not sure if I truly never wanted a career in music or if I just convinced myself of that as I got older and realized my chances, especially being fat, were really low. I still don't think I want a singing career, but I want to feel alive. And when I think about what the last thing was that made me really feel alive before this journey began, that is it.
Today I feel really good about surgery in general. Having to do two separate operations isn't a tragedy. It just means it's going to be a little longer before this process is over. It also gives more opportunity for all the people who have offered to take care of me post-op a chance to do so. I'm also thinking that as much as healing twice will suck, it will be better than not bein able to use my arms or legs plus havin a torn up abdomen all at once. I will literally be helpless if I were able to do all of that, and I haaaate feeling helpless. As for the scars, I was completely irrational about them yesterday. It doesn't matter if people think I look like Frankenstein. It doesn't matter if people think a doctor cut off all my fat and I didn't earn it. It doesn't matter if people think I had WLS. I will know my story and that is that. I am already covered in scars. What's worse, moveable flab and sag or a couple extra scars for the collection? I have scars that are very embarrassing because of how they got there (self harm in my darkest days) and I have no choice but to display those, so what's the big deal if I have scars I should be proud of? Rather than being ashamed that I was so big I had 142lbs of fat to lose, I should be proud that I was able to lose so much weight that a regular tummy tuck cannot correct my stretched skin. I should be PROUD I require an advanced tummy tuck, not ashamed by it.
Yesterday I was feeling so much shame. Today I am back in my normal mind set and I see that I was crazy and emotional yesterday and that I do not need to be ashamed of having so much skin. I don't need to be ashamed there are parts of the the gym won't fix. I need to be proud that I've done everything that is in my power to get it done.
I remember thinking in the past, that when I get a tummy tuck I want my before AND after to haw a flat belly. I don't want my belly to only be flat because of the doctor. Well in order to earn my flat belly I had to Lose so much weight that it would require a verticle tummy tuck in order to tighten. I WANTED to do that myself. So I shouldn't be kicking myself saying "why'd you lose so much weight u shudve just let the doctor do it!!!" I should be congratulating myself for doing what I said I was going to do- EARN my flat stomach. And I have :) I didn't know that flattening my belly myself would result in needing a different procedure, but if I had, would I really have chose to throw in the towel early and just let the doctor meet that goal for me? Probably not!