I dont think most people understand how screwed up a persons self esteem and image can be after losing a lot of weight. Its pathetic because at 284lbs I was confident. I am more insecure now than ever before. Of course there are days i think I look good. But there are days I dont think I am much smaller than I started and there are days I am absolutely disgusted with my body. The best way to describe it is i have either melted or deflated. In clothes I look great, but it is very deceiving. Someday I will post a pic of my real post weight loss body... prob not until after I have surgery. But I most likely will. As for now it is not something I want to world to see.... one day I will write an in-depth entry about this because I really want to explain it to those who think i sound like an idiot right now, and let those who are thinking the same things as me know they are not alone.
For dinner we had pizza. It was the "market place" frozen pizza from walmart. I had 3 slices of cheese. They were not large pizzas so I would say the 3 slices were equivalent to 2 slices of your typical large pizza. I enjoyed eating pizza with my family and did not feel guilty about it. If you know my Meme, you know she makes the BEST fudge, and she made my favorite flavor for me. Its white chocolate with pretzels, cranberries, & candy corn. Its obv a fall flavor she makes this time of year. Normally she mails me fudge between november and christmas by the POUND. usually like 3 pounds. i live ALONE. I cannot have 3 pounds of fudge in the house. So I cut a little 2" piece and took it with me for my 4 hour drive home. I knew I'd be tired and I would eat it for the sugar rush because it has a ton lol. i was very proud of myself for only taking that little piece. If i wanted the pound, she wouldve given it to me. My grandmother is a GIVER and a FEEDER so naturally she tries to send me home with a ton of food every time. Normally pasta, peanut butter, canned veggies, and lots of leftovers of her delicious home made food. She knows I dont want that type of stuff anymore but it's in her nature to send me home with stuff. This time she sent me home with hummus, carrots, celery, flatout bread, green tea, lime, and a few other options I eat normally. It made me so happy. I hate saying no when she offers me things because I know it makes her to feel good to take care of me a little. But she is very aware of my diet changes so it was so cool that she would send me home with the stuff I am eating now- and not forcing me to take crap home.
My grandparents hadnt seen me since the very beginning of my weightloss... I think I had lost like 15 or 20lbs. They see me on here and facebook so they know what i look like, but i guess its really different in real life. My grandfather couldnt stop saying how tall i look! lol I obv didnt get taller but because i am so much more narrow i do appear taller. We joked about that all weekend :)
My aunt is also on a roll with her fitness. She had her stomach stapled like 10 years ago but has still struggled with her weight ever since. I have seen her at 350lbs and I've seen her so skinny she could afford to gain some weight, and right now she looks GREAT. she wants to lose a little more which is fine, but this is the best i have ever seen her look. It was really inspiring to see someone whos been struggling for so long really take control. She's lost almost 200lbs. The best part about her weightloss for me? she has lots of clothes that are too big! She gave me a ton of dresses and jeans and a blazer. the jeans were 12s. I have size 12 jeans, but not all jeans are created equal- actually that afternoon I had tried on some pants that were a 14 and wouldnt even go over my thighs! So i guess I was a little nervous. But when I got home i tried them on and they all fit! the size 14 khakis she gave me were loose! it was awesome. there were like 5 pairs and buttoning and zipping each one was a victory. she also gave me a dress that is an 8/10. it tried it on for the hell of it and it fit! i mean, its stretchy as fuck but there was a time when that size wouldnt even stretch big enough to get on my body. Although I can get it on my body it fits like a glove so i will not be wearing it anytime soon. Maybe ill try it on with spanx and change my mind.... but right now my saggy ex-belly flab is very visable in it and I'm super insecure about that. Some day though!
I only had to work a few hours today so afterward i met evan for subway and the gym. i did 2 miles on the treadmill alternating between 4.0 and 6.0... i broke a new personal record today- i ran at a 6.0 for a half mile! a 5.0 is a 12 minute mile.... so im no track star but considering i couldnt even jog down the block 6 months ago this is amazing!
After i stretched and did my leg lifts i got in my new van(thanks mem&pep!) and went kayaking. I downloaded this awesome app called DIGIFIT. It times you and uses your phones location ability to track your route- it actually shows where you ran on a map. theres a rowing option! now i know i wasnt "rowing" but there was no kayaking option. So for the first time I got to find out how far i kayaked and at what speed. i used it at my grandparents to see how far i jogged this weekend as well. It calculates your calories burned too, but since it cant read your heartrate it is just an estimate.
after kayaking i met with evan and our other friend kel and we went to the beach to walk on the broadwalk. we did 3.5 miles. I've been trying to get kel on board forever.... one night we went for a bike ride and she ate a reeses and smoked a cigarette WHILE riding the bike. Excellent multitasking, but not good for her fitness lol. She isnt fat, she is actually tiny, but as we all know you can be tiny and out of shape. We got her jogging for a minute or two and I was so proud of her for even trying! Evan and I work out almost every day, we're not all that but to someone who never works out that can be intimidating. But she didnt let it bother her, she walked, she jogged, and she eventually caught her breath. She didnt die! By the time we finished it was dark out so we went and sat at the shore of the water and enjoyed the darkness and the ocean. we're both water lovers and its therapeutic to people like us lol. meanwhile evan was doing dips or pushups or something. he is officially obsessed, I've created a monster lol Today, we went biggest loser hard!
I dropped my friends off and went grocery shopping. Got all natural eggs, pears, almond milk, oranges, flatout wraps, tomatos, shirataki noodles, campbells all natural soup for when im too lazy or busy to cook, blueberries, blah blah blah.
something different i got was greek yogurt. I understand the trend. people like yogurt for the good bacteria or whatever, and now greek is protein packed as well. PROBLEM: the flavored greek yogurts are PACKED with sugar! it was the 3rd ingredient at almost every brand i looked at. if you dont know, the ingredients are listed from most to least. so if there are 10 ingredients and #3 is sugar- theres a lot of sugar in there! soooo, thats why I wasnt really willing to jump on board. but then last time i was home one of my clients who had lap band surgery (and is actually eating correctly instead of sipping milkshakes everday) made a suggestion to me. She eats plain greek yogurt and adds sugarfree preserves to it. I looked over the ingredients for a few diff brands of preserves and found a sugar free one with no aspartame or other horrifying ingredients and am going to try it! ill let u know how it goes!
aspartame, if you do not know, is a super sweetener commonly used in sugar free and lowfat food and drinks. There are studies that show it is linked to cancer. There are studies that show it is not linked to cancer. I choose to try to avoid it because i would rather roll my dice elsewhere. even if it doesnt cause cancer it is a CHEMICAL. yum. drink some bleach with that crystal light why dontcha? :-P i dont think ill ever have a 100% natural and organic diet but i do what i can where i can, and i feel like little things like this make a difference. You dont have to agree with me, but if you didnt lose 100lbs in 10 months i dont wanna hear it :-P
all that exercise must have me feeling cocky today lol