when i was 14 i met one of my best friends. we were freshman in highschool and shared a common flaw- a flat ass. i was big & she was small but we both had no ass lol we joked we would get ass implants when we turned 18. we turned 18 and were broke so we obv didnt. but now were 24 (well, she just turned 25) and ready to do it for real.
i had asked my plastic surgeon about our options and decided i wanted the fat transfer. basically they suck fat out of unwanted areas and shoot it back into your ass. all these years weve been saying "i wish i could just take this & put it here"- you CAN. its your own fat- not a foreign substance so i feel a lot more comoforable with that. the only down fall is since it is real fat if you lose weight it shrinks & if you gain it grows. so i needed to be at my ideal weight before going there. but more importantly, i need to get the front of me done first.
originally i wanted to get surgery in october & then do our butts together in january. when this plan was made i was in a good financial situation so i thought id either have it paid off or be able to finance it by then. however i picked my surgeon based on work, experience, and how comfortable they made me feel. little did i know i chose the plastic surgeon with the least financing options ever. i am not eligible for financing thru them & it kills me to hear the hundreds of commercials a day about financing guaranteed at other plastic surgeons.
so its januray and i am not even half way done paying off my surgery. i am not able to save as much as id like because i am also in credit repair- fixing the damage i did living in LA. i am not getting surgery for months. i am getting it in 2013 if its the last thing i do though!
anyway, my friend came down a few mons ago for her consultation for a butt. she put her deposit and is now paid off. she is setting her date for the second week of march. we were supposed to do it together in january. but january is here and i still havent had my 1st surgery, so shes going to have hers. if she doesnt do it before summer she wont be able to get the time off at her job, so its now or next year. i cant blame her for doing it now, but im really sad.
i am sad because we were supposed to do it together and were not, so its not like were going to bond or have a memory over it. itll just be her on the couch in pain & me taking care of her. i wont be able to do anything because she will need help... initially, we shouldve both been disabled but now itll just be one of us. so not only will i have to watch her get the surgery ive been dreaming of for 10 years, but ill have a friend in town & cant do anything but sit(or lay in her case) in the house. plus watching her recovery will probably make getting it done much less appealing to me, where as if we recovered together id just have someone to relate to- not something to be scared of. but all that aside not only will i not be getting my butt done, i still dont even have my front side done.
im super jealous she was able to save all that money. i need to stop beating myself up about it though. i feel like i failed not being able to save up in time. but i have prob 5x more bills than her, so it makes sense for me to take 5x as long to save. im also jealous because she has a nice body, just no butt. i have a fucked upppppp body, and no butt. my best friend is going to be perfection while im over here looking like im melting.
i cry about this all the time(the fact that surgery isnt in sight) because im sick of feeling gross. im sick of wanting to cover my body. im sick of not wanting to be seen. im sick of being embarrassed. im sick of working my ass off and still wishing i was fat some days just so i could be solid again. im sick of feeling fat.
maybe ill always feel fat. i dont know. but i deff dont feel skinny! it doesnt matter how many people tell me im skinny or how often i call myself skinny as a joke- i dont think im skinny. as long as i have this flab hangining off of me how can i be skinny? skinny people do not have shit hanging off of them! how can i ever feel fit as long as i have this flab? sometimes i think about how strangers are surprised when they hear i work out and realize why would they think i work out?! people who work out arent flabby & loose skinned!
and that happens constantly, btw. at work " oh i have to wash my hair every day because i work out!" when i tell them i work out too & wash it once a week they look at me like theyre more surprised to hear i work out than i dont wash my hair. if i looked like i worked out theyd ask "how do u not wash your hair when u work out?!" but instead they just assume i dont. i want my work to show dammit!
so yea. i am sad my finances are fucked up. i am sad i lost 100lbs and look less attractive naked now than before i lost the weight. im sad my friend & i arent going to do our butt together even though the whole point was to do it together. i am sad now our corny ass shit talking hometown is going to think i copied her, when really i just didnt have the money at the right time. im sad i work so hard for nothing- as far as money goes as far as working out goes. i am sad i could do crunches for 6 mons straight and id still have skin hanging off my stomach. i am jealous my friends goiing to have her dream body & im not. im sad ive bee squatting for a year and my ass is still flat when everyone told me if i just worked out id get an ass.... thats a lie. i squat, i lunge, and a have no ass. im sad my boobs were my favorite body part and are no my second most hated body part (right after my stomach). im sad i am more insecure about my body now than i ever was at almost 300lbs. i am sad. i am jealous. i am frustrated. i am disappointed. and it sucks.