today at my skinny salon one of the girls was like " are you losing weight on purpose? because youre deff losing weight!" lol i have only known them since september and in september i was 20lbs heavier. NO ONE noticed when i lost 20lbs when i was huge, but at this size, they notice.
i was at the thick salon yesterday & that place is just an ego boost sometimes lol i absolutely have the best career on earth. it is one of the few jobs that you can connect with people on a personal level. they say a hairdresser & a shrink arent too far off lol. i have some of the BEST clients, Rapunzel in general does. Yesterday I had my yoga instructor, vegan client i had mentioned. she is really much more than a yoga instructor, shes rehabilitates people & changes peoples lives for a living but I dont know the job title- and that includes doing yoga with them so thats why i decided to describe her that way lol anyways, she came in and brought me a magazine with a ton of juicing & vegan recipes in it! sweet right? but the true pleasure of having her as a client is the conversation. she is so positive and so smart. she teaches us new things every visit but never in a way that makes you feel guilty or stupid for the way you were doing it before. little things like reading a nutrition label.... ill never forget this one: "saturated fat- that is what stops your heart". theres no way ill ever forget to look at the saturated fat content. this woman does not just preach, she practices. she is in her late 50s and has a damn 6 pack. not a manly one, just a perfectly toned abdomen. i never cared about muscles until i started working out. now i LOVE them. Muscles scream DEDICATION to me. it takes a lot of work to get that shit!
this new found muscle admiration is causing trouble on the dating scene for me though. its not that i will only date a dude with muscles... but when a dude with zero muscles or a chubby dude approaches me i cant help but think "why dont you care about your body?" and its not in a "i dont like how you look" way AT ALL- i still date, like, & am attracted to regular guys. i just know that generally that is how a neglected body looks. my mind just wonders "dont you want to live?" "do you care about your health?" " have you considered the shape youre going to be in, in 20 years?". this is super fucked up of me because there are probably people looking at me and thinking that. im not toned! im still fat almost everywhere! no one is looking at me thinking "wow that is dedication!" what if one of these dudes has just lost 100lbs?! or is skinny because he has a health issue or something? i have no right to judge anyone, but i cant help what my mind thinks.... i can help posting it on the internet for the world to see..... but fuck it im hoping if i write it down & get it out ill realize how rude i am & act better. i feel so guilty about this. but its coming from a place of "been there, done that, i know how u feel" i did not give a shit about my body when i was fat. i mean, i had learned to accept & love how it looked- but i didnt love it in a sense i wanted to take care of it so it would be around a long time. when i think about how many YEARS i never exercised i am like WTF. why did i do that to myself?! i was setting myself up for diabetes & heart disease & inevitably an early death! thats another issue i have with dating someone who doesnt care. i am FIGHTING these diseases because i dont want to deal with them. call me selfish but i dont want to have to deal with it anyway because my spouse doesnt give a shit! not to say if i married a raw vegan fitness model he couldnt end up with heart disease- but i would feel like it was in his cards, fate, whatever- but not something he did to himself by eating shit and sitting on his ass. plus what about kids? i cannot have the future father of my children teaching them to eat shit & play video games. i am not sure if i will raise vegan children- but they will deff eat a wholllle lot of the food i eat so they grow up with a taste for health- not shit.
obese people dont live to be 100! ive never seen a 100 year old fat person.... there prob is one out there somewhere but thats just luck- not taking care of yourself. i just see it as there is NO WAY to treat your body the way it needs to be treated & still be obese. maybe i am rude. maybe i am judgemental. but i really think it is what it is. i mean, if you have some crazy medical condition that blows u up- fine ill buy your story.... but otherwise it is scientifically impossible to eat right, exercise, and still be 100lbs over weight. eating right MOSTLY doesnt count- when i was almost 300lbs i ate a ton of veggies & healthy stuff on a regular basis.... but i also ate shit. & if its not a medical reason & your a million pounds & you tell me you eat right & exercise i am going to say shut the fuck up & own what you did to yourself so you can fix it. I did.
i prob shouldnt have even shared that, because im sure its going to offend some people... but i also hope it smacks some closet shit eater in the face. just because you eat right & exercise in front of people doesnt cancel out what you do behind closed doors. and for most of us morbidly obese people- thats eat. i feel like i can say this because it was ME. its not like im some skinny person whos never had a weight struggle & cant relate. I was the morbidly obese person. i did not give a shit about my body working the way it should. i didnt give a shit if i died at 65 (prob younger honestly but i was in denial about that). i didnt give a shit if i was nutrient deprived. i didnt think about clogging my arteries. i didnt care the most cardio i got in years was take the stairs & getting it on! i simply DID NOT CARE.... so thats why i assume people who look like i did dont care either. i dont think its judging as much as its relating. if i hurt your feelings i am sorry. i am not hating on you- i am sad for you. i really am so sad for big people now. i know how it feels & it doesnt feel good! i thought it did at the time, but that was because i couldnt even begin to fathom how amazing life could be if i just gave a shit about it! i went from being almost 300lbs, happy infront of everyone, depressed as FUCK behind closed doors. i knew then i was depressed but now i see i was REALLY depressed. i spent a lot of my life not caring if i lived or died. when i moved home from LA i was so depressed & fatter than i had ever been(i was an emotional eater). i remember telling my parents i didnt want to kill myself but i just wanted to disappear. i did not want to do this anymore.
now ive said it a million times & ill say it again- i was not depressed about being fat... but even though i didnt hate how i looked i still felt shame because there is a lot of shame & embarrassment that goes with being fat. one- because you know how u got there, and two- the world tells you that you should be ashamed. being fat was not the reason i was depressed- but it amplified my depression for sure.
I am 100% sure my attitude adjustment is not only because of my size either. i fixed my body, and my mind took care of itself. it feels good to look in the mirror & see a smaller person but the real win here is how proud i feel. i feel sooooo proud. i feel soooo powerful. i literally know i can do ANYTHING. and you can quote that. I climbed mount everest people, i didnt think i would EVER not be considered obese. I can do ANYTHING. i have NOTHING to be ashamed of! i am in LOVE with living and i want to live as long as possible! do you hear that mom? it will prob give her a heart attack because shes been knowing forever how much i frieken hated this life & this awful world we live in. we were shopping once & i was going to get this sweatshirt until i realized it said LOVE LIFE on it, and i said hell no! i dont love life! im not wearing that! & put that shit right back on the shelf. i wish i hadnt said that now, because it probably made my mom really sad. i cannot undo that- but what i can do is make my mom proud & let her know i am sane and i am in this for the long haul! my size is not the most significant difference in me. my outlook is. dont wait until youre over your depression to start working out. its just another excuse. start working out, start cherishing your TEMPLE, start giving your body what it DESERVES and i PROMISE- the mind will heal itself. one day, when i publish my autobiography you will all truly understand, but for now take my word- if I can do this- YOU CAN DO THIS.
my client gave me awesome advice i want to end with. we need to treat ourselves like children. not on some shrink find your inner child shit, but talk to yourself as if youre a 5 year old. how many times have you been super hard on yourself & thought you were a moron or you were a screw up or a loser or a fat cow? would you say ANY of that to a child? never! so why abuse yourself with those words? the example she used was one of her clients kept messing up an exercise or something & was like "omg i suck!!" you would never tell a kid they suck! why dont you deserve the same respect and love as a child? are you ready for this? YOU DO. the mind is a poweeeeerful thing, if you hear something enough you believe it, even if youre saying it to yourself. i also believe in the law of attraction.... keep calling youself a loser & i promise, youll be a loser. start treating yourself like the awesome, amazing, deserving person you are, and i promise- youre going to be awesome.