its actually been nothing but positivity. with each picture i posted, i had a small stroke. i posted them at night, so then id go to bed and in the morning when id see 20+ comments, id have a another stroke. at least one of them has got to be some rude teenager trying to ruin my day, or some hater bitch trying to bring me down. but everyday i have been pleasantly surprised to find out no ones being mean, everyone is congratulating me and being really supportive.
i knew taking the pictures was a good thing as soon as we wrapped the shoot. looking at the pics in the photogs camera made me think " THATS ME?!" for the first time in about a year, i was looking at myself half naked and seeing the GOOD parts. when i look in the mirror my eye is typically drawn to the wrinkles and the sag and flab and i cant even see past them to notice the good stuff. but for whatever reason, in the pictures i could see it. maybe it was the great lighting lol.
when i posted them, as i said, i initially had a stroke, but once i came to, i was relieved. it was like i was free. i hate hiding, and my skin is something i am constantly trying to hide. i will take a picture of myself that is great, but i have to redo it from a different angle or position if i notice u can see my skin hanging over my bra or my stomach or boob wrinkles, or whatever "unsightly" part of me.
something totally unexpected was how many people commented or messaged me to say that my pictures were HOT. hot?! that was not the goal at all! i now know how girls who get talked shit about for always being too hot must feel. sometimes youre not even trying and its just there :-P lol but seriously, "hot" was the LAST comment i expected, so those really made my day.
i could definitely say posting those pictures has made me feel a little better about myself. and even better, i have raised some money toward my surgery. its only $265, which is just under 1.5% of what i need LOL but it still gives me hope. every time someone donates my first thought it "aww, really?!!" my second thought is, i need to do something for them. thats not a bad thought, but i have to remind myself these people are DONATING- i do not owe them anything but a thank you, its just out of the goodness of their hearts. but i am not used to people just giving me money for nothing, so naturally i feel like i owe them something. i need to get it thru my head that a genuine "thank you" is enough, and if i repay everyone who donates, i will have raised $0 lol. i kind of feel like i shouldve waited until after the holidays to start this, seeing all the needy family funds and stuff makes me think it was a little selfish for me to post before the holidays. but i just so happened to hit my goal right before the holidays and i was excited! i hope no one thinks i am an asshole for this. a lot of people have messaged me that theyll be donating after the holidays, i hope they do :) it is MUCH appreciated.
so, today i had an epiphany. i had to make a couple videos (will post later) that i had promised, and when it was time to do the foam roller videos, my baggy shirt kept getting all caught up in the roller. normally id just stop and roll when i got home instead but today, my new found self esteem made me take off my shirt, in the gym.
for about a year i have been hiding myself because i do not like how i look. its crazy because i was almost 300lbs and strutting my stuff on the nude beach. i had the attitude that that was my body and i didnt care who didnt want to see it- dont look!!! so why dont i have that attitude now? i think it is because when i was fat, my body looked like i never exercised and didnt care about what i ate. i didnt care if that was on display because it was true! now, i dont feel like my body reflects the amount of time i spend in the gym and the clean food i eat. i dont want anyone to see it because i dont want anyone to judge me as a lazy or unhealthy person.
i am assuming because things went so well with posting my pictures, and becauase ive been thinking about it for hours every single day for a week, but i finally had an AHA moment about this. i wanted to make this damn video to help out some of my friends and i wasnt going to NOT do it because my shirt was in the way. so i took that shit off. today my brain was on a different wave length. it finally clicked to me I LOOK LIKE IVE LOST A TON OF WEIGHT! anyone who sees my body and just thinks i am fat and saggy is a MORON. it is CLEAR as day that ive lost a ton of weight. so if you cannot respect me for that and you do not like how i look- DONT LOOK!!! I AM DONE HIDING. i do not care who thinks i am unsightly. i do not care who thinks i should cover up. i did not let those opinions of people stop me when i was fat! of course the consequence of that was being made fun of and stared at on occasion. but if that happens now? SO WHAT. i have decided the first person to give me a dirty look or laugh at me is getting an EARFUL. one woman was staring at me the entire time i was shirtless. while i am rolling my skin moves around a LOT and its not pretty! fortunately for her, she left the area i was in and worked out somewhere else. had she continued to stare at me once my video was through, i planned to walk right up to her and say "IVE LOST 142 POUNDS, I LOOK FUCKING AWESOME, DONT I?" and thats what i plan to say to any mother fucker who wants to look at me crazy. maybe i do not look like a body builder. maybe i do not look like an athlete. maybe i do not look like i spend 6 days a week in the gym. but i know where i came from. i know how i looked before. i know what i took to look how i look. even if i look melted and saggy, i know that this body is the result of HARD work. and anyone who has a problem with me showing off the results of my hard work, even if it is not typical, can KISS MY SAGGY ASS.
dont get me wrong, i still want to go through with surgery. but i think this revelation is going to make the next year a lot easier to get through.i dont know why i took me so long to see what all of my supporters keep telling me, but i FINALLY saw it! and i am SO SO SO grateful to everyone who has ever encouraged me to accept my body in this "in between" stage. thank you.