WHIRLWIND is exactly the word to describe my day today. or the last few for that matter. i am feeling exhausted.
i guess i should start by being a little accountable and confessing my sins lol i havent been so good. since i updated last i have been giving in to some old habits i am not proud of. i went to MASS and had a great trip. i actually was really struggling not to binge eat at my mothers house. i did it for so many years there that when i am back in that environment its like the kitchen is calling me. i fought the temptation HARD and went to sleep without binging. and then in the middle of the night i had a damn veggie burger. i remember making it but i dont remember even thinking about it. i deff think this is a form of sleep eating. i know i was awake, since i remember, but i definitely was not in my concious state of mind when i did it! that was the only time i screwed up, pretty much the whole trip. so im AM proud of that.
as always, i brought a blizzard with me. the last two days i was so stressed out over if my flight was going to be cancelled and how i was going to get to the airport and why my ride home from the airport(and dog sitter) was not responding to my texts. i wanted to eat BAD. but i didnt. until i got to the airport. and i caved.
now, i didnt go to johnny rockets and order a large fry and a shake or anything. i went to hudson news and got trail mix and granola. neither are BAD. but i ate the whole bag of each of them.... prob close to 1000 calories. and then the seal was broken.
i LOVE healthy food, which is why its not so rare for me to binge on it! i dont just like junk food. i just like volume. i actually love vegetables because i can eat a lot of them guilt free. however, lately, i have been allowing myself to eat too much of a good thing, and even that can be bad. ive also been attempting to "maintain" for a month... that means i am trying to live like a normal person which just never really works for me. i am accepting i need to meal plan, calorie count, etc for the rest of my life, or i will slowly and surely put the weight right back on. i am sure (by looking at my belly) i have put a few lbs on this month, EVEN THOUGH i am doing p90x3 and its kicking my ass. therefore, i need to get strict about eating again.
to motivate myself, i challenge one of my challenge groups in progress to eat clean for 7 days straight with no cheats, treats, or excuses. we strarted today. i am proud to say i DID IT!! but it was HARD. i had to resist a million temptations. once i start eating artificial sugar i just cant get enough, so since i have been giving into my cravings a little too much lately, my brain just kept saying CHOCOLATE and PIZZA! ever since i discovered the gluten free pizza at dominos doesnt bloat me, i want it every damn day!!! it only comes in small, which is good. but its still processed, fast, crap food. whether i order light cheese (not vegan) or i put my own vegan cheese on it, i am still eating a bunch of preservatives that are cross contaminated being prepared on the same surface as the deep dish meat lovers pizza!
in the last 36 hours or so, 4 instagram accounts and one facebook page have been reported to me for posting my pictures with no credit to me. i am FURIOUS. i knew this would happen eventually, but i didnt think it would make me so ANGRY. the problem is, the posters are not crediting me AT ALL. so to watch literally THOUSANDS of people LIKE my picture and comment CONGRATULATIONS and shit and they think the person who posted it is responsible for it, is driving me INSANE!!!!! i am trying to make a career out of my weight loss right now! i NEED the credit!!!! i am working my ass off and treating soclial media as a job to build a following for what is to come, and other people are taking advantage of that. one instagram account actually PAID to have my photo FEATURED on a fitness page ($20 for 24hrs) with the caption "follow this page for motivation" well what the fuck?! what did that page do that was so motivating??? screen shot and steal other peoples photos?! dont follow them! follow the bitch in the picture who is the one who did the work that motivated you. HELLO!!!! today i deleted every before and after pic ive ever posted to instagram that doesnt have a watermark. i will be doing the same for facebook and my blog as well. in the meantime i am not sharing my blog. i know my loyal followers arent going to steal my pics, but i am too iffy to invite anyone new to look at it while my pics are still available. by tomorrow i will have deleted and watermarked and re uploaded all of these too. however, i do not have the time or energy to go thru a year and a half of posts to watermark every fucking picture i post. however, the day may come when i have to do that. one page deleted my picture after i commented on it that i did NOT give them permission to post it. another deleted it after i confronted them with instragrams privacy policy via their KIK account, and another page went ahead and tagged me after i contacted them via KIK also. i do feel like that mission was slightly accomplished. if nothing else, this whole ordeal has reminded me that i have an ARMY behind me. i mentioned i saw my pic on a facebook that wasnt mine and in less than 48 hours my army had 4 other accounts reported to me by my friends and followers! thats what the fuck is up!! it hurts to see people comment on my photos (typically the ones no one is tagged in) talking about "thats photoshop" "she had surgery" "that impossible" blah blah blah. trust me, i am flattered my transformation is so UNBELIEVABLE, but i also know that if those haters had a real person to ask about it, theyd be less likely to hate. if they were directed to my personal account where there is tons of proof, theyd be less likely to hate. i have to accept the haters. i have to accept the imitators. i am learning. its crazy because i was trying SO HARD for SO LONG to build my following, and finally got a feature on a fitness account with 400k followers. they DID tag me, and my social media presense explooooooded. i WANT to be social media famous because that is how i am going to blow up my business.... but i didnt realize how quick things would take off. i went from 6000 followers to 10,000 literally over night. within the next week i gained another 4000. people are way more likely to follow you when they see a lot of other people are. its so weird how "in with the in crowd" people are on the internet. i guess in life too, but its very aparent on the internet. so as i was saying, i got exactly what i wanted, i just wasnt prepared for it. i shouldve had everything watermarked from the beginning. i didnt PLAN for this... but i have never set a goal and not reached it, so i SHOULDVE expected it eventually. oh well. i am learning. i will do better. i will learn to accept what is going to come with the territory ive stepped into. i will learn to accept photosharing as flattery and not theft. although there is a good argument that its both.
with all that DRAMA today, you could see why i wanted to stuff my face!! but i didnt! i had fruit and bee pollen for breakfast. i had a huge lunch of veggie bean soup (homemade) and grilled vegetables with red cabbage "slaw". then dinner was shakeology made with banana and organic almond milk. i just finished some bedtime yogi tea and am hoping for a good nights rest, i have a LOT to do tomorrow.
on saturday morning me and one of my beach body coaches did a 5k trail run. it was SO fun. i want to do more of those!!! when youre running thru trees and over bridges and up an down up and down you really lose track of how far youve gone or have to go. i was totally loving it. headphones werent allowed so u were one with nature. my only problem was due to not eating my best all week, my body wasnt in race mode. for the last half mile AT LEAST i had to poop. i didnt even run the whole race!!! i had to go so bad i HAD to walk for fear of shitting my pants!!! when i crossed the finish i raced to the porta potty. no fun!!! lol but it was a great reminder of how you can exercise properly if you dont eat properly, and you MUST eat FOR your races not for pleasure, or youll end up screwed!!! i was legit considering running off into the bushes at some points it was so bad!! LOL
i am currently doing p90x3, but am really missing running. after a year of "learning" to run and 15 weeks training for my half marathon, i jusrt want more of it... i think i have lost my mind but i am considering doing a marathon in 9 weeks. its the last marathon available within a reasonable distance before i have surgery this summer. if i dont do it before surgery, i can pretty much kiss the idea of doing a marthon in 2014 good bye.... so i am REALLY thinking about it. my trainer says i can do it but i shouldnt do it for time, just for finishing. but u know me, i want to RUN a marthon start to finish. no walk. or to me, it doesnt count and i might as well not do it until i can complete it. i havent made a decision yet, but i need to FAST becuase 9 weeks will be 8, than 7, and so on, before i know it!
ok, so i planned to upload a bunch of new pics tonight but i am SO damn tired its not gonna happen. i will tomorrow :)