Haven't blogged in a while because I've been trying to save the posts I have in mind for BigGirlFitGirl.com's launch, but right now I am feeling so upset I just NEED to use my blog like a diary, like I did in the beginning, and let this shit out.
I'm fucking tired of feeling insecure. I'm tired of caring what my body looks like. Some days, I would give everything I have, to have the confidence I HAD, when I was almost 300lbs.
Fort childhood and teenage years, I was self conscious about my size and yoyo dieted. When I was about 19 I started to feel a little more confident and accepting of my body. By 20 I had fully accepted the fact that I was born fat, was fat, was always going to be fat, that was just my body, and I had better learn to love it.
I did. I loved it so much I always wanted to show my "assets". I loved it so much, mainstream people would want me to put more clothes on. I loved it so much, I did a nude photo shoot for an art display and showed it off with pride- all my fat and rolls and folds of glory. I was PROUD of my body. I had accepted my body was never goin to be small (or so I thought) and I needed to learn to love myself.
The thing was, for a big girl, I was a bombshell. I wasn't your stereotypical lazy, moomoo wearing, no makeup or hair done, hot mess of an obese person. I was stylish. I had heard nearly every day for my entire life what a "pretty face" I had. If you liked big girls, I was a dream come true! You couldn't put me in a room with another big girl and have me feel intimidated. I seriously thought I was the shit. People stared at me in public all the time. I thought they were probably thinking "I wish I had that confidence- you go girl!!!"
What I would give to feel like that again.
I have known I have some body issues for a while.... But today I really realized that I am mind fucked.
I went to a Piyo Instructor training on Saturday to get certified to teach live workout classes. A guy happened to come up to me and ask a question about loose skin. He had a client who was big and losing a lot and concerned about it. I am absolutely sure he was not trying to be mean, but it really hurt my feelings. I spend a lot of time convincing myself that all the loose skin and extra things hanging off of me after a 50% weightloss are not as obvious to others as they are to me. But when someone who's never met or heard of me before says that "you must've lost a lot of weight" I can't help but wonder "how did they know?" It's gotta be skin and the looseness in my body. It is a reminder that other people DO see my skin. It's a reminder that I DONT look normal. It's a reminder that I will always be looked at as the "ex fat girl".
I knew that comment hurting my feelings was 100% to do with my issues and 0% of his, so I didn't make a big deal about it to him, just moved on.
Then today they posted the pics the photographer took of the class. A bunch of pics! Great ones! Big group action shots as well as some great close ups. I kept scrolling and scrolling and wow, not one picture of me. Don't get me wrong, I've not had any pics of me taken at plenty of events before. But this was an event where we were all in one room the entire time, all doing the same thing, and there were only about 50 of us. So why am I not in any pictures?
Fucked up mind over here's first thought is "they didn't want to post pictures of my saggy arms and armpits".
Realistically, I was RIGHT in front of the camera for a good portion of the class, maybe her lense was really wide and she was just focusing behind me. Maybe her lense wasn't wide enough and she couldn't get a picture of me without cutting half of me off. Maybe it was because I was in a corner (although I was right in the front row). There are lots of reasons I might not be in the pictures. And I like to think there are some other people who notice they're not in any too.... But I didn't notice. There are like entire group shots and my little corner is just cut out.
I like to think it is a complete coincidence and nothing personal at all.
But my fucked up mind keeps telling me that no pictures were taken of me on purpose because I don't look like a "Piyo instructor" is supposed to look.
I miss the days of not comparing my body to anyone else's. I miss the days of not expecting clothes to flatter me. I miss the days of knowing there was NO hiding what was under my clothes, so not feeling pressured to keep it hidden. Whether I was covered up or not- you knew I was covered in fat. Now, if I'm covered up, you don't know I have loose skin and random little fat pockets hanging off of me.... And it makes it tempting to just spend the rest of my life covered.
I have surgery to tighten my stomach and thighs in less than 2 months. I picked those areas first because they're what I am most insecure about. Now I can't stop thinking about if I should do my arms first instead. No one sees my thighs. It's easier to not wear shorts than not wear a tanktop. I shouldn't care what anyone says, but frankly I just don't want to feel the sting of people pointing out what I am trying to convince myself no one cares about or notices on me.
I am in a weird place because I am so in love with my bodies capabilities. It impresses me constantly and I want nothing more than to nourish it an make it stronger. However, I just can't wrap my head around loving the way it looks. There are plenty of pieces of it I LOVE. For example my legs are amazing- as long as u can't see my inner thighs or inner knees. My back is to die for, as long as I don't put on a tight bra or shirt that makes the looseness in my armpits/sideboob overhang.
I was to love my body as a whole again, not just pieces of it. I don't expect that from surgery. Where there is no longer skin, there will now be a scar. I'm sure I'll develop some irrational insecurities about scars too. After all, just like skin, they're more proof that i am just a fat girl trying to be skinny. The skin removal will make me more functional in some aspects, and give me the freedom to wear shorts or bathing suits. However, I'm not expectin a miracle where all of a sudden I now feel as look like a naturally average sized person.
This is honestly exhausting me to talk about, and I just want to go to bed. I know I am over tired from a long weekend, and PMSing to top it off. But today I just feel sad. I hope I come to the place of lovingy body again someday, and I sure hope it's sooner than later!