ok so yesterday three different friends sent me a link to THIS blog post- and i am so glad they did because it is freaking awesome.
i agree with SO much this woman has to say. so much to the point i needed to blog about it myself. first lets talk about the things she mentions that i totally agree with.
she hits the nail on the head with this one. it is so much cozier being big. as a kid (and a few times as an adult) if i was having a really hard time sleeping i would just take my pillows and blankets and put them on the floor and knock out. ive tried that a few times more recently and it does NOT work. hip bones and spines being crushes against the ground. no bueno. I even remember one day at a zumba class we laid down on the (hard) floor after to stretch and i was like OUCH!!! i actually thought i hurt myself. the instructor informed me that it was just my bones, and she was right. i dont know if my bones are more sensative becuase of all the years they had a cushion, but if not, idk how you skinny ladies have been dealing with this all along.
ding ding ding. nail on the head again. i couldnt agree more with her stand on this. i weighed myself once a year, at my yearly physical in my "past life". i didnt really care about 10lbs or a new jean size. now, as much as i hate to admit it because i know its unhealthy, the scale owns me. if i gain 5lbs if fucks with my self worth. if my size 8's give me a muffin top it can ruin my week. i HATE caring so much about every fucking pound. hoping this will pass with time and i will gradually care less about the numbers.
i dont know that i had better relationships with my friends before, or that people had an easier time opening up to fat me... if anything i think they open up more now becuase i put all my embarassing shameful shit on the internet so they figure they can say whatever to me about their life. but i DO miss not being considered a "threat" to other women. i dont think most women realize just how many men DO fuck with big girls- because women never gave me BitchFace or interrupted when i talked to their boyfriend before. all of a sudden i notice that i am treated like more of a threat- which is ridiculous because i do not want a man who has a woman. I guess being an average sized woman now has brought insecurity out of women around me. i no longer automatically make them feel superior to someone in the room.
i also have a disconnect between how i see my body and how the world sees my body. i call myself a "big girl" all the time and it often takes me a minute to realize why whoever i am speaking to is looking at me like i am ridiculous. i can take and look at selfies all day and see how small i look. but when i am, looking at my physical body in the flesh, i still see a fat girl. i think a lot of that has to do with the skin and sag i have from the weight loss. skinny people dont have hanging stomachs. it may not be full of fat, but its a hanging stomach. things like that cause a huge disconnect between what my mind sees and what my body actually looks like.
Things the author did not mention that I personally miss:
i used to be hot most of the time and i hated it. that was only because i didnt realize how miserable it is to be COLD all the time. I wear my bathrobe almost every minute i spend in my apartment. cant go to a store without a sweater. i am miserable in Massachusetts every season except summer, even when the heat is on in winter, it isnt warm enough. i MISS BEING WARM.
when i was almost 300lbs i would go for walks late at night or walk through a dark parking garage alone and not have a hint of fear in me. i did not have the worries of normal women- what if someone comes and snactches me up real quick and kidnaps, rapes, and kills me?? unless youre Hulk Hogan, you could not "snatch me up real quick". i am a HUGE target. one most people could not fit their arms around. i would not be considered an easy target or helpless victim to go after. Now, i am very scared to be in a dark parking garage alone. I used to date a guy who would always walk me to my car and i thought it was kind of ridiculous. now, i demand to be walked to my car. just looking at me, you do not know i work out like mad and could probably kick your ass. i look like a regular woman who is vulnerable. i do not enjoy looking physically vulnerable.
PROTECTION FOR MY ORGANS.
this might sound crazy becuase i do realize that my fat was squishing and actually harming my organs. however, i have this weird fear in me that i am going to get hurt, and not having the protective coating of fat is going to make the injury worse. it is wierd to me that there is only an inch or two between my internal organs and any outside force. i used to feel protected in a sense, imagining if i were ever stabbed or sliced or shot that the fat was an extra layer to get thru and ultimately less damage would be done to my important parts. you know, like maybe a bullet would get lodged in my fat before it made it to my lungs. now, nope, that shit is going right through. seeing my veins is absolutely gross. sometimes i will be shaving and i have visions of the razor slicing right thu my veins because there is no "protective coating" over them. i realize this entire paragraph probably sounds insane, but this is how my mind works. shit, as a kid i slept with my comforter up to my chin that way if someone snuck in to stab me in the middle of the night (what?! why did i even think like that lol) the knife would have an extra layer to go thru and maybe id be hurt less. this is the same exact logic i have about my fat. ridiculous? probably.
INTENTIONS OF OTHERS
although there are men who prefer big girls and very well couldve used me for my body back in the day, it was less common. men generally got to know me and became attracted to me as a person. i had LOTS of male friends. now, men really dont try to be friends with me. they generally hit on me. even some of my male friends from back in the day hit on me. its funny because i am not having sex or doing any dating right now and i feel more objectified than i ever did while screwing and dating when fat. i hate feeling like my body is being oogled at. i hate wondering if men are only talking to me becuase they want some ass(theyre not getting it tho, no worries). i hate wondering if someone cares at all about the substance in me and if anything theyre saying is genuine. its not just men who make me feel like this though. i have a lot of model friends. models get paid to go to night clubs as "hosts" so the club can use them as an attraction to bring in others. the hosts get to bring all their hot girl friends to party for free with them. i was friends with all the same models when i was fat. i was never invited to their events. im invited all the time now. i almost never go. i feel like i am being used. when you can show me off as your hott friend i am good enough for an invite, but when i was 300lbs and the same exact person and we were just as cool, i wasnt invited? now thats partially the clubs fault (i know for a fact i was not allowed to be VIP at MANSION on south beach because i was over a size 8- ok, i was a size 24- but size 8 was the cut off). i wasnt welcome at those clubs before. but they want me now. and im still too bitter to take the invite.
and last but certainly not least-