121lbs down :-D im willing to bet had i not gained all this muscle i would prob be more like 150lbs down. so proud!!! :-D i dont think ill ever stop crying when i look at before & afters lol
in honor of 'throwback thursday' i decided to post a brand new Before & After! just kidding, i just happen to take new afters today & it just happens to be thursday lmao
121lbs down :-D im willing to bet had i not gained all this muscle i would prob be more like 150lbs down. so proud!!! :-D i dont think ill ever stop crying when i look at before & afters lol
The only upside to not being able to eat is how skinny starvation makes me!lol
I can never be anorexic because I love to eat wayyy too much. But when you don't have an appetite or can't keep things down its much easier. I realize starvation is never healthy- and am not promoting it. But I figure I might as well find the silver lining to not being able to keep anything in- skinnnny!
Today sucks. I had a really productive day planned and then i woke up around 5am with a belly ache... identical to the one that sent me to the ER a few weeks ago. by noon i was having major deja vu. i was on the toilet all day, when i didnt feel like i was about to be sick i was sweating my ass off laying on the floor. tried to take a bath, way to uncomfortable. so fucking annoyed. i decided there was no way i was riding this out for 3 days again, and went to the ER like a bitch. i get sick so rarely (usually while i am in MA and in a change of weather/diet/ability to sleep) that for me to be THIS sick, this close together, i thought something might actually be wrong.
well, i feel like i wasted my time. the staff wasnt rude or anything but they didnt do anything different than the last time i went. i guess i thought they would like test me for some shit or something but they didnt. my white blood cell count was high, which suggest infection, but the doctor has no idea why or from what. so he gave me two antibiotics and a referral for a gastroenterologist. he said its possible but unlikely i ingested 2 different bacteria in such a short time. i still had left over diarrhea and nausea meds from last time, so he didnt give me more. not that i needed them because i had already taken them hours before i went in. the good news is he ruled out gallstones, which is what everyone was suggesting it probably was. i guess theyre common when you lose a lot of weight fast.
im relieved its not gallstones but i dont even want to think of what it could be! of course he rattled off a bunch of possibilities, like crohns disease, but ive only had 2 stomach aches.... i dont know id call this regular just yet so thats unlikely. regardless, i am super annoyed because i am trying so hard to be healthy and now i am sick?! what the hell!! of course i feel much healthier on a day to day basis, but my fat was not something to miss work over. i cant frieken miss anything else!
i was supposed to go to orlando wit evan yesterday and today. he was visiting a family member in town and i was excited to have a staycation by the pool and go hard in the gym at the hotel. unfortunately he had a family emergency here and couldnt go.... so then i was going to have my own on hollywood beach. but i got an offer for a last minute photoshoot last night and then i was sick today.... so much for a vacation!
last friday we did get to go to the circuit class at his gym tho. i did NOT have fun this time. there were a lot more people there. a bunch of guys that i guess are the regulars that all just happen to miss last week. it started off with a guy standing directly behind me talking shit to the class about how it wasnt that hard. evan asked him why he was standing there instead of doing it then. he said he was leaving soon. well youre not leaving now! we all pretty much started talking shit back becuase he wouldnt stop with the comments and when youre doing something hard as fuck and someone NOT doing it is talking shit, its annoying! i told him if he could move his body like his mouth hed prob have a 6 pack already. he got down and did like 20 pushups with us and left. so frieken annoying. the guys were super competitive too. i dont mind a competition! but it was a class, not a contest. on top of that, this one douche bag literally cut across the gym to get infront of me. like dude, if you need to "beat" me so bad why cant u just pass me on the side like the other guys did? i wasnt mad at them! if youre faster you should be in front of me.... not if youre a cheater and cant get there fair and square. obviously the compettiive vibe rubbed off on me, but im pretty sure this guy was a douche, because i wasnt mad at the ones who finished before me fair and square. evan wasnt really feeling the vibe either. i dont know if he wants to do it next week. i dont really want to. i am grateful for the teacher and i enjoy his class, i just didnt like the vibe of the group. i did not feel welcome, i felt really welcomed the first time. i also dont want to encourage evan to quit anything. if i stop going hes more likely to stop going.i dont want the trainer to think were quitters! even though we kind of are... but its not like were going to quit working out.... just not at that place and time as a group... :-/
soooooo a coach that i know posted a really good article.... and i cannot even believe that i even LIKEed it.... a year ago i deff would not have. its about media sending the message of fat acceptance.... sort of. i always got really happy when i saw the ads for "dove" or other companies that advertise with "real" women aka plus size women. i felt, and still feel, like it makes women feel better because that is what the average woman looks like, and we shouldnt only show fit women... however this article brings up a really good point. its not cool that we call these "real" women. in reality, theyre average women. more women look like that than anything else. but to call them "real" women? why are they any more real than fit or skinny women? like i said, ive fought the fat girl acceptance fight for a long time. but i did understand what this woman was talking about in her article. of course i want everyone to love their body. and for a long time i was all about "love your body no matter what it looks like!" and i still do think we should love our bodies no matter where we are in our journey or life.... however, i dont think that loving your body is an excuse to treat it unhealthily. i made A LOT of unhealthy decisions based on the fact that i was already fat. i didnt say no to any bad food offered to me! why? i was already fat anyways! eat it! thats not cool. being fat isnt an excuse to be unhealthy. and if youre one of the lucky ones like me, and u dont actaully have any fat related health problems yet, dont go giving yourself those problems, just because youve accepted and love your body! i dont know, i am not feeling my best and maybe shouldnt even be writing this till im in the right state of mind, but i GOT the author. and i was SHOCKED by that. i think its worth reading.
A friend of a friend had a really awesome caption on one of his pics on Ig. He used to be a really scrawny dude, and now he's a regular stud lol as most of us fitness obsessed deal with, he has his fair share of haters who complain about how often he posts. Under one of his before and after pics the caption said "I apologize in advance if all of my hard work, focus, and determination offends you. But my body is my temple. The better it gets, the more you will see of it" AMEN BROTHER!
if you'd like to follow him you can at @alex_nutsnmore (he has an awesome peanut/almond butter company!)
I used to not understand people taking pics to show off their bodies... I thought it was just to be an attention whore, Until I started working on mine! Now I want to post it everywhere to show off my hard work. I get it. It's not about "look how sexy I am" it's about "LOOK AT THIS HARD WORK!" I still think that people who do not work out and constantly show off their body (I only know women who do this) are annoying. Not like you can't be proud if you didn't do anything to earn your body.... But it's kind of like calling someone who's dad bought them a business a hard worker. Yes, you have it, but you did nothing to get it..... Are we supposed to compliment you? I never know lol
Anyways, here's an inappropriate picture I didn't think I could post to FB or IG because I'm in a thong, but I wanted to show it off. Although I had just eaten and I think my belly looks a little round, I can't believe how much I am toning up. I've worked so hard on my ass and I feel like the work is FINALLY really showing. I know it's no stripper ass, but if you know what my Ass USED to look like- its a stripper ass in comparison! Lol
I dont know if any of you eat pb2 but i am addicted to it. its all natural powdered peanuts. they peanuts are dry roasted and most of the oil and fat is pressed out before it turned into powder. it has 85% fewer calories than traditional peanut butter, but all the flavor. if u mix it with water you can make pb&j, ants on a log, whatever. you can mix it into baking to add peanut butter flavor. i use it almost everyday in my chocolate shakeology, so i go thru it like crazy.
I'm going to edit this to bump it up because a lot have people have been asking me where I got the pb2 ever since I posted a pic of it on the Internet lol. I also wanted to mention 2 things! Pb2 is a non Gmo product. Gmo peanuts are not currently commercially sold in the US( thank god) and the peanuts come from here in the states. Finally, I wanted to acknowledge that pb2 is delicious, but it is a filler food. Most of the nutrition from a peanut comes from the fat, which is removed during processing. Pb2, although it doesn't have crazy chemicals, is a (minimally) processed food. I use it in my shakeology, and its just for flavor. I'm already getting a zillion grams of nutrition. However, if you're not trying to lose weight and can afford the calories of real natural peanut butter, you should prob eat that. Pb2 is a filler or flavorer- as far as nutrition is concerned. This isn't bad for you, but real peanut butter has a higher nutrient content so in moderation, it's actually good for you. ( we're talking about all natural, no nothing but peanuts for ingredients, type of peanut butter. Not oil, sugar, salt added extra creamy Bs)
Yesterday I had a really great day. after about 2 weeks of rain, we had a full day of SUN! in the sunshine state, youd think that would be common. it usually is, but hurricane season can be a bitch. missing the sun was really fucking with me. im very sunlight sensitive. when i lived in MA i was always more depressed in winter, and here i am always more depressed when it rains.
i didnt have any appointments, which sucked ass because i missed so much work being sick and im kind of behind financially (miss hundreds of dollars at work, and then get slammed with an ER bill & find out your student loan payment has doubled all in the same week. fuckkkkk!) i decided to cancel personal training for the day, to save the money. So all i had to do was go to Nuerofeedback.
i went to the nude beach, i havent been in a while. it used to be my SPOT but isnt really anymore. going to the nude beach really helped raise my self esteem. being NUDE and 300lbs in public and no one is looking at you as if youre crazy or gross is SO LIBERATING! the majority of the beach goers are senior citizens. then there are the naked liberalists like me. then there are the tourists and/or locals who are just there to check it out, and ruin it lol.
i arrived in clolthes because i wanted to run. theres a mile cement walkway between the beach and the street. i wanted to run the mile and then run the mile back on the sand. i did it! and in good time! and sweated my ass off lol. then it was time to relax.
i used to be nude at the nude beach. now i wear bottoms. i am more self conscious about my saggy melted belly than i was about my 57" waist. i dont care about my vagina showing, that looks normal lol but PLEASE dont look at my belly lol. i started to feel more and more comfortable, looking around at all the old saggy bodies just enjoying themselves. comfortable enough to let my saggy tits free. and then the strippers showed up. i knew they were strippers because they were covered in the absolute worst wanna be sexy tattoos of all time. they had huge fake asses and fake tits, and although they were not fat- they had soft stomachs. as a gym rat, i know those bitches do NOT work out.... but they still made me self conscious. they were wearing these tiny g-strings that were basically pussy lip covers, because thats literally all they covered. one of the 3 was about to take hers off and another one of the girls yelled at her "what the fuck are you doing! doint take that off! these people arent paying you to see that!" oh god! someone shoot me please!!!!!! bitches like this RUIN the nude beach. first of all- this is a NATURIST BEACH- which means you are here to be one with nature. it is NOT a sexual place at ALL. its actually just as illegal to have sex there as it is to have sex in any other public place. generally, no one talks to you, and when they do they are not oogling your goodies. NO ONE there is going to PAY to see someone naked, dumb bitches. NO ONE there thinks your crotch is that special, dumb bitches. that is NOT what this place is about. so PLEASE take your negative energy elsewhere. bitch, dont kill my vibe!
i know i was extra sensitive because of something that happened on facebook earlier in the week. someone posted a picture of a fat girl in a bikini saying "this should be illegal". i wanted to SLAP that bitch. the WORST part? shes a beach body coach. this woman gets PAID to help people change their lives and get fit. how the fuck is a person supposed to feel comfortable asking her for help when they have to worry she is going to make fun of them? i cant believe im even going to say this, but that day i was embarrassed to be a beach body coach. i dont want to be on a team with people like her. i deleted her from my FB, i didnt comment, i didnt have to- two other people told her she was a douche before i even saw it. fortunately, the next day we had a webinar and i was reminded that the bulk of my team is NOT like her, and supports fat people, no matter where they are on their journey- even if its yet to start.
i deff took it personal- because I AM THE FAT GIRL IN A BIKINI!!!! i am TERRIFIED to wear a bikini to a beach that is not nude. every time i do it, its not to show off, its to try to get the fuck over it. i always say, if you know i lost over 100lbs you would congratulate me, but if you dont know i lost weight you think "why the fuck is that fat girl wearing that?" as much as my friends and family try to convince me this is not true, this poster reminded me it is. who the fuck is she to judge that woman? how do u not know shes already lost 50lbs and is so happy & trying to build her confidence in that bikini, like me? YOU DONT. you never know where someone is on their journey, so its best to SHUT THE FUCK UP. i know some people will be like "but ashley, u posted a pic making fun of girls at the gym a few weeks ago" yes. i know. those girls were LAYING on the ground playing on Instagram and Candy crush! there was NO working out happening! id never make fun of someones workout or level of workout. but this was NOT A WORKOUT. the poster also tried to defend her post, saying she wasnt talking about the woman being fat- she was saying its inappropriate to wear that "i'm skinny and i woluldnt wear that in front of kids" well bitch, by starting that statement with "im skinny" youre suggesting youre more entitled to wear that than her, and YOURE NOT! im sick and fucking tired of people thinking fat people need to wear MooMoos!!!!! what the fuck! whether my clothes are loose or tight, big or small you still know im fat! so who fucking cares what i cover my body with?! i have to cover my fat in a way that those who dont like it dont have to see it? well why arent ugly people coverfing their face? why arent people with fucked up hair bald? if they dont have to cover up for society why do fat people?! i will defend this belief until every ugly mother fucker i look at is demanded to put a bag over their head. and when that happens- ill agree fat people can stop showing their fat.
so yea, the strippers with bodies they did no work for, and the moron who was ridiculing the bikini wearer, made me feel insecure at the beach. hate being influenced by outside forces but sometimes i cant help it.
i had to leave around 2 to go to nuerofeedback and get my brain trained. then i was feeling motivated so i invited evan to meet me at the beach for round 2. we ran another 2 miles, same route. evan is a fast runner because his legs are so long, but he doesnt have a lot of endurance. i am super proud that although i may not be the fastest runner, i never walk!!! if im running a 5k that means i RAN a 5k, no walking in between. thats why i pace my run at a speed that i can keep up for the duration of my run. anyways, running with evan is annoying, because although he cant keep up with my run, he HAS to finish first. so were running and after a few mins he stops to walk. about 10 mins later he caught up to me. we passed a group of people crossing the walkway to the beach. he was a few steps in front of me. a couple minutes later he stopped to walk again, and i passed him. i ran ahead of him the rest of the first mile, and then i went onto the sand to run the route back. about halfway back, i spotted the people who had crossed our path, on the sand. i thought to myself "theres no way evan is going to let these people see me in front of him" and sure enough, just before we passed them, he came sprinting past me. just after we passed them, he was walking. toward the end of the run, where the people actually were, i knew hed catch up, and he did, and beat me to the finish line for everyone to see. i understand as a man with an old fashion mentatlity, he HAS to be stronger and faster than me or he feels like shit. fortunately for him, my ego can take the abuse. but just so you know, ev, im on to you!! lol
after the second run i layed in the sand, read my cosmo, went swimming, and had a great day. i didnt get home until after 7pm. while i was driving home, this tourist in the cross walk yells to me "hey! great work on your biceps!" i wanted to cry. i get this ALL the time. from a distance, it looks like i have huge biceps. but its just fat. ive had a roll on my arm literally since birth. its in baby pics, kid pics, teen pics, adult pics. dont act like u dont know what im talking about lol. i was just getting really excited at how small its getting, im finally seeing progress! and then this dude points out to me "nope! still huge!" fuuuuuuuck! i remember as a kid, other kids told me what big arm muscles i had. its so fucking embarrassing and i cant wait for the day when it really is my muscles youre seeing.
ive had two really awesome people reach out to me in the past few days. i get emails daily asking for advice or thanking me for inspiration. it can actually be a little overwhelming, and is part of the reason i started the blog- so i could compile info here instead of telling my story 6oox to everyone who asks lol but i still get really excited about some situations from time to time. yeseterday, heather shanholtz (yea, i name dropped lol) called me. she is a model whos been in Maxim, American Curves, Muscle Mag, etc. she is considering a vegan diet and wanted my advice. holy shit! a "muscle mag" cover girl wants to know what i eat?! i must be dreaming!!! i helped her as much as i could, and then told her about frank medrano (the vegan body builder i posted about the other day). i am for some reason afraid to only give my advice, i want her to know what frank eats too..... because im scared it wont work for her and i dont want it to be my fault. ive really got to get a grip on other peoples actions having nothing to do with me.....the other day i got an email titled "i NEED YOUR HELP!" and she spilled her heart out to me about how she saw me on IG and she cant stop looking and she considers me her hero. holy shit, im flattered, but what a title!! i never did this for anyone but me. i needed to lose weight. ive always loved to write, and it helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. posting it for the world forced accountability on me.... but i didnt think anyone was actually going to read this. maybe my friends and family, but deff not strangers. for the first time, i am actually feeling a little bit of pressure. its awesome, but a little overwhelming. i am scared because i am not a "professional" dietician or trainer. i dont want to lead anyone in the wrong direction or be responbile for anyones failiures. i dont know how to make people lose weight. i only know how I lost weight. it makes me really nervous that people are looking up to me like that. my trainer says not to worry, i am helping people as long as i know more about the subject than they do. i dont have to teach them everything or help them with everything. but if i can teach them something or help them with something, ive done my job. one day i think i will take my trainers advice and move forward with becoming a certified personal trainer. i mean, i can tell you all about how to lose weight using beach body tools.... but not everyone is interested in that. i want to feel confident i can help EVERYONE. i think a huge stress of being a trainer or even just a motivator and coach like me is that theres so much i cannot control. i can tell people all day what to do, and if they dont do it, theyre going to blame me for lack of results! i am not sure what the proper way to convince people i am not crazy and what i believe in can save their lives. for right now, ill just keep blogging and sending tough love in your direction. im willing to be a role model or motivator, but for now, thats it. i want to help you lose weight by showing you it can be done, and how i did it. if youre willing to pay for beach body i can guarentee results that way, but i am still new to all this myself.... i guess im worried the more people put me on a pedastal, the more people i will let down. i want to save the world, but i can only do it by educating you until you cant live in denial anymore. i cant psycially do anything for you, trust me, if i could i would!!! Just to clarify- I'm not saying I don't want anyone to ask me for help, just please have realistic expectations of what I can do for you :)
speaking of which! the biggest girl in the thick salon is working out! shes down 13lbs! i found out on instragram, which made me really sad she didnt tell me.... but i understand. maybe she was afraid if she told me id be monitoring or hounding her. i dont know. it made me sad she didnt want to share it with me (ive been DYING to get her on board) but it makes me happy shes doing it :) you go girl!!!
so, im proud to say ive been 100% on track for the past two days! ever since i got better from being sick ive had a really hard time getting into the swing of things. ive just craved carbs like crazy!!!!! craving something is not a problem, giving in is. i hate when people say you should give into your cravings. no you shouldnt! first of all, your body doesnt actually need what it craves. its like dreaming. you dream one thing but it means something else. you crave one thing and 9 times out of 10 your body needs something else, not actually what its craving. the only time i believe my cravings is when i am out of town and fresh produce deprived. i salivate at the thought of a salad lol anyways, dont give into your cravings! crack heads crave crack! does that mean they should use it? NO. but i didnt listen to that advice the last few weeks. ive bought more bread and chips than i ever buy, and i am not using portion control. i actually ate an entire bag of sweet chili doritos in a day (yes, theyre vegan), and entire loaf of bread another day, a whole medium(no cheese) pizza another day..... the worst part was i did awesome all day, and fucked up giving in to cravings at night (worse time ever!). on sunday i was emailing someone needing motivation and i thought to myself "practice what the fuck you preach!" how are u gonna tell this girl to DECIDE, COMMIT, AND SUCCEED if youre not even doing that right now?! so sunday night i decided, and since then ive recommitted. and i feel great. i hate how i feel when i wake up after a long night of carb binging. but thats how i know obesity is a disease. because like alcohol or drugs, i KNOW the harm its going to do, i KNOW how shitty im going to feel when the good feelings wear off, and i STILL do it. fuuuuuuuck! im much more controlled than the old me, but its still a struggle. i dont tell you this to make you feel like theres no hope, but i want u to realize its a life long battle. i have no fear of gaining all my weight back or anything. but i know im going to struggle between a perfect diet and a fat girl diet for the rest of my life. if this is still happening to you, youre not a lone! its totally normal!
and to close.... please watch THIS video on youtube. it makes my heart SO fuzzy!!!!!! i think from day 1 we should tell children what theyre really eating & make them decided. ive actually heard parents say "dont tell them that!" when someone tells their child that theyre eating a chicken like on a farm.... children are compassionate creatures. if we stopped brain washing them, theyd prob be vegetarians lol i think i will raise my children knowing that some food has a face. i plan to raise my children vegan, and if they want to eat something non vegan at a birthday or whatever they can....i dont want to deprive them from "normal" or give them a reason to go ape shit and eat a whole box of oreos and pop tarts in a night ( one of my friends had a vegan mom & she would BINGE till she was sick whenever she came over. she was not allowed to eat anything bad so she snuck it when she slept out). i like to hope that with the right education and bodies that work like well oiled machines, they wont have much desire to eat animals, and if they do, theyll get sick and think twice next time lol ive never been a mom and i dont personally know any vegan moms. this is something ill do PLENTY of research on before i have kids though. i cannot wait to raise children that are healthy and fit. i REFUSE to continue the cycle! to have a daughter that graduates high school without ever being on a diet would be a dream come true! i always wondered if id have fat kids, becuase my whole family is fat, or if id be one of those weird fat people with skinny kids. now i dont have to wonder, becuase i know i am in complete control. trust me, my kids will NOT be fat. im not ready just yet, but i am SO excited for that part of my life. im mentally preparing to be super mom :)
Friday, Erika made "vegan Portuguese jag". Aka some beans and kale and vegan chorizo goodness.
Today my mom texts me to tell me she made vegan sausage and peppers and got coconut milk ice cream and Newman O's to have for junk food during PMS this week.
So SO SOOOO proud!!!!!
I talk about my food choices because I truly believe in them, and truly believe if we knew better we would do better. However, I didn't necessarily expect the people closets to me to be making such crazy changes. I kind of thought my inner circle was stuck in their ways. I especially cannot even believe the strides my mom is taking. I guess I shouldn't be surprised because she has always really put in effort to do what she believed was best- I guess I just can't believe that she's agreeing that some of my ideas might be better. I'm so used to people thinking the way I eat is crazy or the way I eat is extreme. If the ONLY people my eating influences are my mom and me- that's worth it!
But I know that wont Be the case. One of my best friends, alycia, her husband chris, and I went to a vegan restaurant in providence once and we plan to go back soon. Kelly's whole family & Evan enjoyed a vegan Easter dinner. erika makes vegan lasagna I showed her for her family all the time. I don't even know how many of my customers order vegan Shakeology.
I think my faith in humanity is being restored- one meal at a time :)
A friend of mine recently recommended this documentary, Earthlings, to me. It took a couple days, but i finally got a chance to watch it.
WOW. i watch documentries about animals all the time, im frieken vegan! and this opened MY eyes.
deff graphic, and not for the faint of heart. i did not enjoy watching it. i cried a lot. i felt so many emotions from sadness to anger to helplessness. I had to look down a few times, but i watched it.
you can watch it here.
i dont usually preach veganism and animal rights and shit on here because i dont want people who are scared of my "crazy ideas" to stop following me over it. i realize natural medicine and nuerofeedback and veganism and organics might all sound kind of crazy, but at one point the people who thought cigarettes were bad for you, were the crazies.
sometimes i cant shut my damn mouth. and if my tough love cannot help you, i dont know what will! so i want to talk about this, and im going to. if youd rather be BLIND than you can just skip this entry.
and now, for a rant.
i watched it because it is my job as a responible human being to know what i am, or have been, contributing to. i posted the video on my facebook and only 1 person liked it. and it was the girl who told me about it!!! it makes me so angry that no one wants to watch it!! 99% of my friends are NOT vegan and about 95% are not vegetarian! i will say it over and over, you dont have to be vegan. i know i will never live to see the day where were all vegan. not realistic. im not asking you to be vegan. i am asking you to be AWARE. you can eat animals and wear leather and go to the circus, but dont DENY the price that is being paid for your to enjoy those things! so many people tell me "oh i dont wanna watch that, i wont be able to eat meat if it do" when i talk about the PETA documenty "meet your meat". WHAT?! so you already know its so horrible & cruel itll make you not want to eat animals.... so youre not going to watch it, so you can pretend its not happening, so you dont have to feel guilty about your choices? are you serious?
if you watch this video and STILL choose to eat meat and abuse animals and wear fur and go to the zoo, i have SO MUCH MORE respect for YOU than the people who refuse to even acknowlege whats happening. saying "i know whats sacrificed for me to have/eat/do this and i dont give a fuck and ill admit it" is a hell of a lot more respectable that "im pretending it doesnt exist so i dont have to feel bad about myself". what the fuck! is that how you live your life?! youre prob the type that thinks they have a disease and doesnt get tested because youd rather just not know, too. well, you keep on living in the dark and let me know how that works out for ya long term.
so, since no one wants to talk about it, ill just make you read about it :)
it starts off with a real powerful statement.
There are 3 stages of TRUTH
it suggests that all creatures that inhabit earth, are earthlings. we are equal beings sharing a planet. racism, is when someone thinks their race is superior to others. sexism is when someone thinks their sex is superior. speciesism is when someone believes their species is superior to another, most humans believe in this.
PLEASE watch this video!!!!
yes, it talks about the conditions the animals who are bred for slaughter have to deal with. of course it shows cows horns being cut off, and chicks beaks being cut off. of course it shows pigs, still alive, having their hair boiled off. of course it shows animals being hung by their feet, with their necks sliced, kicking and screaming as they bleed to death. all of these types of videos show that stuff, and i am used to it. this video, however really pointed out to me how much unnecessary suffering the animals go thru. i always say, if i ever eat meat again, itll be on a farm. itll be a grass fed, true free range animals that was killed with one shot. if every farm where like this, and i wasnt aware of all the health risks associated with eating meat, i would prob not be vegan. but thats not how it is. these animals are TORTURED. i know we like to think they live a happy little life on the farm and then they get killed real quick and painlessly, but thats NOT it. i cant believe how much footage there was of cows and pigs just being beaten! not even close to killing them! just beating them. why the torture?! put it out of its damn misery! why must you boil the fucking pig alive??? this one cow at a "KOSHER" slaughter house had his neck slit and his breathing organs ripped out of his body, he was thrown on the floor and left to bleed till he died! he was wiggling around and clearly alive! and people are buying kosher meat because they think its been manufactured up to kosher standards- and its NOT. and that is exactly why slaughter houses will NEVER have glass walls. that is exactly why all the footage is from HIDDEN cameras. because they do not want us to see. because if we knew better, we would do better. you are doing yourself and INJUSTICE by choosing to ignore the facts!
please, watch this video.
i dont know why, but i have a really hard time feeling bad for fish, and that why i was pescetarian for a few years (a vegetarian who eats fish). i gave up fish because i am aware of the health risks of eating fish. although there are also benefits, those benefits can be found elsewhere, so id rather not take the risk. ive also made the decision, and i quote divincci "my body will not be a tomb for other creatures" i do not want some tortured soul in my body. so thats why i gave up fish. but this documentary actually made me feel for the fish. they suggest fish do feel pain. i had never seen a dolphin or whale slaughter before, now i have. i think it might have effected me because the whales and dolphins bleed. for some reasons its easier to associate a bleeding creature with one who has feelings. i also do not have compassion for bugs yet... because i dont know enough about if they actually feel anything.
please, watch this video.
theres a great section of the film about zoos and circuses. last time i went home i finished some appointments early and met my family at the zoo. it was weird. i didnt think twice becuase i want to spend time with my neices and nephews no matter where it is. but i hated being at the zoo. i know the animals in our small city zoo arent physically abused. one of the elephant care takers is even a family friend. however, these animals are being abused. i mean, the zoo is like the size of 2 city blocks. the habitats are TINY. i was looking at the animals thinking "what a pathetic existence they have." a zoo is a great place for hurt wild animals to get care, as they do many times.... but i dont really think a zoo is a nice place. as for the circus, oh hell no! so much footage of animals being slapped and beaten. i seriously am NOT surprised circus animals go crazy all the time! push a mother fucker and he will snap!! my sister sent me a pic of my niece riding and elephant a couple weeks ago. talk about a nightmare. i would die if that elephant decides to retaliate for its abuse while my niece is on its back! it will attack and purposely hurt people out of rage, and then itll be shot to death- you know, for behaving like a wild animal.
please watch the video.
one of the sections i knew the least about was the fur and leather industry. im not a big fur or leather person ( lots of fake lol) but i havent really made a stand in fighting it. thats about to change. i always assumed leather was coming from the cows that were being slaughtered for food anyway. not that that is ok, but shit, theyre already dead, might as well make the most use out of them? however i learned thats not the case. most leather comes from indian cows, that are very different from the cows we eat or milk. the practices (putting chili pepper in the eyes to get them moving) were just horrible. i also never knew that the fur industry catches WILD ANIMALS to make into fur. i dont know how i was ever so ignorant as to think there were fox farms breeding animals for fur, but there deff are NOT. these animals and trapped or hunted. WILD ANIMALS. they were not bred into this life. its not the only life they know. they are literally ripped from the wild to be used. this INFURIATES ME! who the fuck are we to decide to take another living being out of its natural environment for our use?! i constantly feel guilty about keeping a dog for my personal enjoyment. i talk myself out of it by rationalizing she was bred to be a home pet. she would not survive in the wild, and she knows nothing but a home life. these animals are NOT bred to be killed. they are born free creatures. terrible. also, right here in the US there are no rules about how u have to kill in the fur industry- so they usually do whats cheapest. i saw a fox SKINNED ALIVE. they showed the eyes BLINKING after the skin was completely removed. and this is legal. so we can wear fur. FUCK THAT.
PLEASE watch this video!
ready for the BEST part. i know for some reason we see dogs superior to other animals, because they are mans best friend. well how about the part where they were doing "stray control" and they shot a dog a few times, enough to catch him, not kill him, and then threw him in the back of a garbage truck, AND CRUSHED HIM IN IT.
PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO.
imagine everyone got over their fear and decided to just OPEN THEIR EYES?! most of us will go on living life the same. but there will be a few people, like me, who will be effected enough to do something about it. the more people who open their eyes, the better our chances at convincing anyone to save the world with me. come one, superwoman cant do this job alone!
never ever ever in my life did i think id have any reason to even think about implants. i had about a C cup before i got to highschool, and ended up with a DD as an adult. i LOVED my boobs. they were my only "sexy" body part and i flaunted them often. not that i had a choice. they were so big they stuck out of almost everything. when i would try to be conservative id fail, because they just could not be contained. my sister has always been smaller than me, but has nice full boobs. my moms weight has fluctated a lot thru my life, but even skinny, she had huge boobs. i never thought id be one of the people who lost their boobs when they lost weight, but i did.
my boobs are TINY now. i am wearing a C, but theres room in there, im prob more like a big B. when i squeeze my boob & feel the actual tissue, there really isnt any tissue left. i had my consultation for a tummy tuck and boob lift a year ago. at the time, the doc suggested implants and i declined. he pulled up the skin to show me how my boobs would look lifted and told me i would prob be a B cup.... they actually looked really cute, so i decided on a lift. i really didnt want a foreign object in my body.
fast forward! since my initial consult ive lost a ton more weight and my boobs have shrunk, 2 inches around my bust line to be exact. so im thinking i am prob going to end up an A after a lift. when i lay down now, even without the lift, i am flat chested. i dont want foreign objects in my tits, but i REALLY dont want a flat chest.
i was thinking id get a fat transfer to my boobs, as i also hoped to get one to my ass. but now that plan is out. all the good fat comes from the belly and legs. i have more skin than fat left, and the fat i have is barely hydrated because i eat so clean. by the time im ready for either of those, i will have had a tummy tuck, and what good fat is left will be gone. so i am not going to be able to have a fat transfer to my ass or boobs. im squatting and lunging and doing every ass exercise in the book, and i know i can get a muscle ass. however, it doesnt matter how much i work my chest, its not going to fill in where my tits used to be.... even if i put muscles there, ill still be flat chested when i lay down.
so, i cannot believe i am saying this, but.... im getting implants. it will be done at the same time as my lift & tummy tuck. they are already included in the price i locked with my deposit (i was just choosing not to take advantage of that part of the package) so its no extra money or extra surgery. i will be getting saline implants. if i am going to implant a foreign object in my body, its going to be salt water, not silicone. i dont know how i will be able to preach "natural living" with fake tits the rest of my life, but ive been thinking about it heavy for weeks. i dont want to go thru all that surgery, still be unhappy, and need more money and time to do it again. im going to just do it.
im thinking a full C. most of my friends who got a C look like they have a D, so i dont want to go for a D and have giant tits. i wouldnt say i MISS them. for one, big tits make you look fat (well, they make your fat stomach look smaller, but if its just your boobs & face in a pic, huge boobs always lead me to believe the person is chunky)the last thing i want is to look big again. i want to be able to wear shirts that show cleavage- without the whole world worrying theyre about to see nipple (story of my life). i want to be able to be conservative when i want to be. i want to look proportionate ( an A cup on a 160lb body is NOT proportionate). i dont want to have to wonder if someone is looking at me or my boobs, and i dont want to have to wonder if im being looked at as a hoochie, because my boobs are so big. so i think a C will be perfect.
next on the agenda. omg. my erika.
erika and i met my sophomore year of highschool. she was a freshman and had joined the drama club. we became friends right away, i think because we were both drama geeks at heart- but not drama geeks in real life lol when we grew up she moved to LA to go to AMDA and a few months later i moved in with her & her boyfriend to persue hairdressing on the west coast. you never truly know someone until u live with them. this doesnt just apply to boyfriends. you know erika is truly one of my best friends because we lived together, 3000 miles away from home, and we made it out alive, and still great friends. she is the type of friend you can tell ANYTHING to, because you know she will not judge you, no matter how taboo or crazy it is. she is the friend you call to get rid of a body, lol in the past 3 years, between the 2 of us, weve lived in massachusetts, los angeles, florida, new york, rhode island, and vermont- yet ive never gone more than a few months without seeing her, i never feel like shes missing from my life, and shes ALWAYS there for me.
erika has always had a nice body. minimal tummy, fat ass and thick ass thighs. ive ALWAYS loved her body, and at the point when she was 170lbs(depression WILL do that to ya) i still thought she was a bombshell- considering i was almost 300lbs.
today erika texted me to thank me for motivating her to change her life. she has always been into clean food and working out- but shes never really committed to it. in the last few months though, shes finally committed. i can ALWAYS count on her to meet me at zumba when were in the same town. last time i was home, we even went to the gym at midnight one night, so we didnt have to skip a day. shes been BEASTING and it is showing like crazy. she told me that she remembers a convo we had in LA....she was complaining about her body and i was telling her she really needs to just look in the damn mirror and LOVE herself. today at the gym, she was looking in the mirror, and she literally started crying. i swear to god i am crying typing this. i know it sounds so corny, but if youre crying in the gym & its not because youre in pain, youre experiencing some HIGH emotions! i know what it feels like to be so PROUD that you have to cry. you cry in the gym when you realize you have the body you NEVER FUCKING DREAMED OF. everytime ive cried tears of joy over weight loss its because im realizing i climbed mount everest. Today, erika realized she climbed mount everest. she NEVER thought she would do it, she has NEVER loved her body, and she finally does. Oh god! it just makes me so emotional!! to know she is feeling what i feel is like the greatest THANK YOU anyone has ever said to me.
for years and years and years i watched this girl live her life looking gorgeous doing it and always ridiculing herself. she has always hated her thighs, and i remember her being worried they didnt look good in shorts and other bullshit. she was so beautiful the whole time... but it doesnt matter what others see, it matters what YOU see, and erika didnt see it. now she sees it. it might be a different body than she had back in the day, but that doesnt matter. all that matters is she finally found the body that she can look in the mirror and love.
i decided to take my own advice, and look in the mirror and love myself. i was 284lbs and in LOVE with myself. i knew i was fat but you couldnt tell me SHIT. that was my body and i was going to rock it. at the time i truly believed it was the only body i would ever have, so i better learn to love it. now i know we are not stuck in any body, so i dont think you should force yourself to love it INSTEAD of taking care of it, but we should love it all along the whole journey. maybe i dont have my nice thick solid dream fat girl body anymore, but i dont have to hate the body i have. i am not saying im not getting surgery, because i am. what im saying is that i am going to commit to stop beating myself up in the meantime. i have saggy skin and saggy tits. so fucking what. I worked MY ASS off for this skin & this sag. so fucking what if its not aesthetically pleasing. it is a symbol of my hard work and dedication and instead of letting it tear me down, im deciding to get the fuck over it. YEA i have sag! because i lost a fucking human being!!!
so erika, i am SO damn proud of you. THANK YOU for teaching me something about myself today. i am going to look at my self in the mirror every day and make the decision to love this body. it might be my own advice, but it really helped to hear it from you. I LOVE YOU like youre my damn sister, and i am glad youre going to live to be 100 with me. my very own "she-hulk" :)
today i went to the You Fit near evans house to do a circuit training class with him. my gym doesnt have classes so was a nice change of pace. i was the only chick in the class, there were 4 dudes plus the trainer. we did it in the middle of the gym with everyone watching. thats good for me, i like an audience. the audience was fit dudes and not so fit girls. so i figured i needed to show these dudes who the fuck was in their house, and i needed to show these girls that they can keep up with the guys if they put in the work. ok, so it was HARD AS FUCK! the trainer must do insanity, because it was like live insanity plus some. i didnt quit, we were even doing mountain climbers at one point and he was yelling at the dudes " shes still going! we got a man down and shes a beast! you gonna let her show you up?" it was fucking awesome. just the right words i needed, and im sure the man needed, to keep pushing. he made us run laps around the gym a few times, and one time i was first! of course the trainer talked mad shit to the dudes for not catching up to me, i mean they were right behind me, but i held the lead for all 3 laps. the only thing i sucked at was push ups, which i always suck at, and wheel barrel. i did about 50 push ups for real, but i did the last 150 bitch pushups (knees on the ground) i know some might say they dont count, but my arms are not strong (compared to my legs) and i cant go in on push ups. i felt proud of what i accomplished. the first time i tried to wheel barrel, i only got about 6 feet lol. i quit and held evans feet so he could do it, and he didnt quit. then the trainer was talking some smack because i didnt do it, i said i cant (which rarely comes out of my mouth- but i truly didnt think i could) and then he told me to do it half way. i said fuck it, im gonna do it to the recycle bin, about 25' away. evan held my legs, and i did it! it hurt like hell, but i did it :)
after class the trainer came up and asked me how much weight ive lost. i proudly told him 120lbs and he introduced me to one of his clients, whos lost 70. by her current size i could tell she was prob about 300 to start as well. i was super proud of her and congratulated her. i was kind of excited the trainer could tell ive lost weight, but it made me kind of sad too. i know he knew because of my arms. people who are just a little thick, like i am now, dont have arms, like i do now. its like a dead give away. i love that its written all over me "ive lost major weight" but i hate that its written all over me "ex fat girl"! as much as i hate my arms, there is no plan for surgery on them. of course theyre a little saggy, but i cannot believe how little sag there is compared to how BIG they once were. i know if i can do THIS with them, by the time i lose the rest of the fat & gain muscle, they wont be saggy.
ive committed to doing push ups every day. i REALLY want my arms stronger because i really want to be able to do a handstand. me and evan were trying at the gym and i can almost do it..... i look like im about to snap my neck tho because alll my weight it on my head, not my arms. so im doing push ups every day now. i never do them because i am bad at them. kind of like how evan never squats because his legs are his weakness (if u put my legs & evans arms on the same body youd have a BEAST). its just NOT FUN to work your weak body parts. he avoids squatting like the plague. so we made a committment that he is going to do squats every day and i am going to do push ups. in the privacy of our homes, and were not going to pick on eachother no matter how little weight we do (i know it kills him i can squat more than he can, hes a man with a man ego & that is NOT how its supposed to be) but i am not going to tease him. if anything i will tease him for quitting, but ill never tease him for trying. his arms are so defined and strong, i KNOW if he put the same kind of work into his legs hed have huge ones..... and i need to keep convincing myself about the same with my arms :)