Never in a million years thought I'd say that!lol but check out me playing paparazzi on my friend at the gym!lol
If you don't remember who the fuck Evan is he is my best male friend who used to eat a 5lb bag of sugar with some kool aid on the side.... In one week!! He used to sit on the couch & watch me do insanity because he was too scared to try. Well he is on board now & looking awesome. He lost about 30lbs and is putting on a ton of muscle. I am so proud of him. You're welcome ladies :-P
ok so i was in the parking lot of my old apartment cleaning out my car while waiting for my laundry to finish. this girl comes up to me & is like "excuse me, do you live here?" i was like "i used to...." super confused. shes like "oh ok! you had a yard sale here a few weeks ago & sold earrings right?" i said yes. Shes like "OMG THANK YOU!!" and hugs me! im like DAMN she mustve really liked those earrings!!
she wasnt thanking me for the earrings. i had run the biggest loser 5k before the yard sale & was still wearing my shirt with my before picture on it. she had asked if it was me & i told her yes! when she asked how, i told her diet, exercise & sparkpeople.com. well, apparently 3 weeks ago she got on spark people and changed her life! shes lost 7 or 8 lbs and said her customers (shes a waitress) are noticing! she couldnt stop saying " you dont understand, this is working for me, i am SO HAPPY". i do understand, and it was music to my ears.
this is exactly what im talking about when i say i want everyone on board so everyone can feel what i feel. it is an AMAZiNG feeling to take control of your body. AMAZING. and Harriet knows it.
we discussed our schedules and both have wednesday afternoons off- so i have a new wednesday work out buddy. she has a knee injury so we wont be doing anything crazy but im happy to help her.
on sparkpeople.com they refer to this as "spreading the spark". i am so happy to be spreading the spark. i know my journey is responsible for many people beginning to change their lives, just like someone did for me. a friend from home had posted her sisters spark page last january. she was talking about how happy she was and proud of her sister for getting the weight off. I was about a week into my journey when i joined. I wouldve never known about sparkpeople.com if she hadnt posted that- and none of you would be reading this right now! so thank you Sarah!
i hadnt exercised much today, but harriet inspired me. I just did 30 each of squats, lunges, & push ups. im no olympian but its better than zero squats lunges & push ups! :-D
So I always hear people saying how they eat for energy & food is their fuel, blah blah blah. I always think it must be nice to think like that because you prob don't over eat much with that attitude.
So last night I decided that's how I'm going to think. Every time I want to eat I'm going to say to myself "food is for fuel. do I need energy?". The best way to believe something is to hear it over & over so that's what I'm going to do! I came up with this while I was in bed wanting more sorbet. I was like "I'm going to bed! Of course I don't need energy!" And I didn't give in to a second serving (I had some earlier & it's just so damn good!)
Here are some pics I took or saved with intentions or posting & never did.... It maybe i posted a few of them already & just forgot. Lucky you gets to see them again! :-P
One more reason to hate the disgusting pathetic world we live in!
While searching #motivation on Instagram today I came across an account dedicated to making fun of "gross fat people". Fortunately he has barely any followers but its pathetic it even exists.
On Saturday someone yelled "jiggle jiggle jiggle" at me as I was crossing the street to work. I was wearing pants & a blazer so the only part of me she could've seen jiggle was my boobs.... So maybe it wasn't an insult but because of my history with people in cars telling at me it really hurt my feelings :( then today I find this. There are just some really shitty people in the world making it hard to forget how much you can be hated just because of the way you look.
Disgusted. & not by the "fat people". That is all. Smh
im pissed the fuck off right now.
ive been trying to do some yoga. when i was in highschool i did yoga for a little bit & loved it but i couldnt do a lot of the poses because my body couldnt take the shape. childs pose- for example- was impossible because my belly was so big i could not lean forward with a flat back.
so i decided the other day to try some yoga. it was so cool being able to do poses i never could before. what wasnt cool was not being able to do some things i always could.
i cannot do any thing that involves sitting & pressure on your "sitting bones" as they call it. my ass is so fucking bony its literally painful. like i just quit 15 minutes into the workout. right now in a chair i am sitting on my thighs- no pressure on my actual ass. if i out my hand right at the top of my ass crack i can literally feel my tail bone. i can grab it, i can feel the roundness of the bottom part of it- it almost feels like the shape of a cucumber or something.
a few months ago at zumba was when i noticed it first. we were on the ground stretching and we did something that put pressure right there and i said OUCHHH!!!!! wtf is stabbing into the floor?!! my zumba teacher laughed & said it was my bones. but i dont understand why no one else was in pain? probably because they have layers of fat & muscle over their bones. i do not. ive been doing squats & lunges for a year & still nothing. ill never be able to put fat in my ass without surgery & apparently i am failing at building muscle there. i know we are all made up differently, but how can i be made with NO ass muscle??? why dont i even have a little tiny bit to build on? i dont know. my ass looks better than it did, but i think its because i lost inches in my thighs, so i have a little "shelf" between my thigh & ass..... my thighs are smaller but my ass isnt actually any bigger. bonier & bonier & bonier. when i had my extensions switched out in october i was in pain by the end of the service- my ass hurt so bad! i thought damn! this is what it feels like to be a client?! then it occurred to me- no clients ever complains about that! and if it hurt like how mine does they would deff complain! so ive decided this is not normal. this is not what the average person feels when they are sitting or working out.
just another perk of losing weight! -__-
ok so im sad today & need to let it out, so what better place than here! so as you all know, surgery has bee in my plan since the beginning. when i realized my body melted rather than shrunk i knew i would need some lifting & tucking if i wanted to like my body. 4 mons into my "diet" i put a deposit down at a plastic surgeon to secure a rate for a tummytuck/breast lift. i knew it would take me a long time to save up or arrange financing so thats why i started so early.
when i was 14 i met one of my best friends. we were freshman in highschool and shared a common flaw- a flat ass. i was big & she was small but we both had no ass lol we joked we would get ass implants when we turned 18. we turned 18 and were broke so we obv didnt. but now were 24 (well, she just turned 25) and ready to do it for real.
i had asked my plastic surgeon about our options and decided i wanted the fat transfer. basically they suck fat out of unwanted areas and shoot it back into your ass. all these years weve been saying "i wish i could just take this & put it here"- you CAN. its your own fat- not a foreign substance so i feel a lot more comoforable with that. the only down fall is since it is real fat if you lose weight it shrinks & if you gain it grows. so i needed to be at my ideal weight before going there. but more importantly, i need to get the front of me done first.
originally i wanted to get surgery in october & then do our butts together in january. when this plan was made i was in a good financial situation so i thought id either have it paid off or be able to finance it by then. however i picked my surgeon based on work, experience, and how comfortable they made me feel. little did i know i chose the plastic surgeon with the least financing options ever. i am not eligible for financing thru them & it kills me to hear the hundreds of commercials a day about financing guaranteed at other plastic surgeons.
so its januray and i am not even half way done paying off my surgery. i am not able to save as much as id like because i am also in credit repair- fixing the damage i did living in LA. i am not getting surgery for months. i am getting it in 2013 if its the last thing i do though!
anyway, my friend came down a few mons ago for her consultation for a butt. she put her deposit and is now paid off. she is setting her date for the second week of march. we were supposed to do it together in january. but january is here and i still havent had my 1st surgery, so shes going to have hers. if she doesnt do it before summer she wont be able to get the time off at her job, so its now or next year. i cant blame her for doing it now, but im really sad.
i am sad because we were supposed to do it together and were not, so its not like were going to bond or have a memory over it. itll just be her on the couch in pain & me taking care of her. i wont be able to do anything because she will need help... initially, we shouldve both been disabled but now itll just be one of us. so not only will i have to watch her get the surgery ive been dreaming of for 10 years, but ill have a friend in town & cant do anything but sit(or lay in her case) in the house. plus watching her recovery will probably make getting it done much less appealing to me, where as if we recovered together id just have someone to relate to- not something to be scared of. but all that aside not only will i not be getting my butt done, i still dont even have my front side done.
im super jealous she was able to save all that money. i need to stop beating myself up about it though. i feel like i failed not being able to save up in time. but i have prob 5x more bills than her, so it makes sense for me to take 5x as long to save. im also jealous because she has a nice body, just no butt. i have a fucked upppppp body, and no butt. my best friend is going to be perfection while im over here looking like im melting.
i cry about this all the time(the fact that surgery isnt in sight) because im sick of feeling gross. im sick of wanting to cover my body. im sick of not wanting to be seen. im sick of being embarrassed. im sick of working my ass off and still wishing i was fat some days just so i could be solid again. im sick of feeling fat.
maybe ill always feel fat. i dont know. but i deff dont feel skinny! it doesnt matter how many people tell me im skinny or how often i call myself skinny as a joke- i dont think im skinny. as long as i have this flab hangining off of me how can i be skinny? skinny people do not have shit hanging off of them! how can i ever feel fit as long as i have this flab? sometimes i think about how strangers are surprised when they hear i work out and realize why would they think i work out?! people who work out arent flabby & loose skinned!
and that happens constantly, btw. at work " oh i have to wash my hair every day because i work out!" when i tell them i work out too & wash it once a week they look at me like theyre more surprised to hear i work out than i dont wash my hair. if i looked like i worked out theyd ask "how do u not wash your hair when u work out?!" but instead they just assume i dont. i want my work to show dammit!
so yea. i am sad my finances are fucked up. i am sad i lost 100lbs and look less attractive naked now than before i lost the weight. im sad my friend & i arent going to do our butt together even though the whole point was to do it together. i am sad now our corny ass shit talking hometown is going to think i copied her, when really i just didnt have the money at the right time. im sad i work so hard for nothing- as far as money goes as far as working out goes. i am sad i could do crunches for 6 mons straight and id still have skin hanging off my stomach. i am jealous my friends goiing to have her dream body & im not. im sad ive bee squatting for a year and my ass is still flat when everyone told me if i just worked out id get an ass.... thats a lie. i squat, i lunge, and a have no ass. im sad my boobs were my favorite body part and are no my second most hated body part (right after my stomach). im sad i am more insecure about my body now than i ever was at almost 300lbs. i am sad. i am jealous. i am frustrated. i am disappointed. and it sucks.
They do not. but thats what some retard on facebook said. I didnt see the post myself but one of my friends in boxed it to me because they thought id find it interesting. I told her to not even tell me who it was because i DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. i dont know if its a coincidence i got the message right after i put up my 5k pics or if the post actually went up right after i put up my pics. if it was a response to my pictures than i might as well not even post this, because that is jealousy. if you lose a million pounds just by not eating enough you will still not be fit, and therefor never be able to run a 5k.... so lets tell ourselves this isnt a hater & the timing is just a coincidence.
Lets clear this up. i obviously can only speak for myself. so here goes! i DO NOT THINK I AM BETTER THAN ANYONE WHO HAD WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY. if you were my aunt or one of my friends whos had it that i SUPPORT you would know this. I understand why people get it. I wanted to get it! When I was in highscshool i looked into it but wasnt quite fat enough for my insurance to pay for it so i couldnt do it. I just accepted the fact i couldnt lose weight, i couldnt get surgery to lose weight, and i would always be fat. I didnt know anyone who lost serious weight naturally. I actually remember telling my sister i didnt think it was actually possible to lose 100lbs without surgery.
then i WOKE UP.
but ashley, if youre not bragging & you dont think youre better because you did it on your own how come you constantly mention you did it without surgery?
I want all the people- LIKE ME- who thought their only option to lose weight was to get surgery to know ITS NOT! it only FEELS like that! you dont have to put yourself at risk for death or infection. you dont need thousands of dollars! you CAN DO IT anyway! i want to hopeless to feel HOPEFUL.
is that a fucking crime?!
DO NOT tell me about how our bodies are different & some bodies really cant lose weight.
unless you have a legit disease that prevents you from losing weight that is bullshit. & even then i dont think weight loss surgery would keep you slim if you have a condition making you fat. if you are so obese you cannot exercise than thats a legit excuse as well, get surgery to get to a weight healthy enough to exercise and then get off your ass.
If you BURN MORE CALORIES THAN YOU TAKE IN YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT. NO EXCEPTIONS!!
its not a matter of if you CAN do it- because you CAN.
its a matter of if youre WILLING to do it.
SO maybe if it offends you its because deep down you KNOW you couldve done it, and youre upset you will never get to experience what that feels like. I know weight loss surgery is no walk in the park, but lets be honest- if you are one of the patients who actually follows a diet & exercise routine post op you deff couldve done it yourself. maybe not as fast, but you couldve.
if you have some disease or disorder that makes it impossible- NO ONE IS TALKING TO YOU!
and if anyone thinks i am being harsh kiss my ass because i know what i am talking about.
i ate FRIED FOOD EVERYDAY. i ate a couple pizzas, a whole package of velveeta, a few french fries, icecream, chips & dip, a whole box of spaghetti, a whole box of macaroni, spaghettios, and MORE in a god damn week, every week! for years!!! i could eat an entire pack of oreos, and entire large pizza, and family size bag of chips- IN ONE NIGHT. i could get a burrito from taco bell, onion rings from BK & fries from wendys in the SAME MEAL.
i worked out ZERO. there was no bike riding. no jogging. no gym. no kayaking. i sat on the sideline & watched my friends family play basketball on vacation with them EVERY YEAR because i was too out of shape to keep up. I was embarrassed to dance at parties or clubs because i got so sweaty so fast. i needed a nap everyday as well as 9 hours of sleep and was STILL tired.
ive been MOOed at. ive been called names. i got picked on at school. i got laughed at. I didnt have boyfriends. I couldnt shop for clothes at the mall or anywhere for that matter. i couldnt jog HALFWAY UP THE BLOCK. i couldnt play sports with my neice. I was picked last. The ONLY B on my ENTIRE HIGHSCHOOL TRANSCRIPT was in GYM CLASS. All A's. i brought gym clothes everyday. i did everything asked of me. maybe not as fast or as graceful, but i did it. all the other girls got A-. i Got a B. The ONLY B on my transcript.
i moved a thousand miles from my family, had no real income, no real friends, and a pile high as the ceiling of stress. I had no money. i mean NO MONEY. i had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
and i lost over 100lbs on my own.
if i can do it, ANYONE can do it.
THATS what im trying to get out here. not trying to make anyone feel like im better than them. just trying to make people realize i was on their level, and if i did it without surgery- dont feel like surgery is your only hope- because its NOT.
we started out JUST AS BAD. and prob ended up JUST AS GOOD.... so why is it i could do it & you couldnt? thats not the case. we both couldve. I just decided i could. You decided you couldnt. i want to keep other people from feeling like they cant. they can. they dont have to wait for operation day, they can start right now.
well now, imagine that wasnt even directed at me & i got this upset for nothing? lol whether it was aimed at me or not- this is still how i feel. ANYONE who chooses to CAN do it. not that that means if you got surgery you suck. because plenty of people get surgery and stay fat! so obviously you are putting in work if youve taken weight off even with surgery. like i said, i just dont want those who dont have the option to get sugery to feel helpless like i did, because theyre not. i never in a trillion years anticipated id be here today. NEVER. & here i am. yet my surgery never got approved. I didnt need it, and neither do you.
no team is better than the other here. the important part is, no matter what method we used to do it, we all got healthy & took control of our lives. can we just celebrate that instead of being offended or sensitive? im sure going to try!
Would you take 2 hours out of your day for chemotherapy?
So why won't you take two hours out of your day for exercise?
I'm watching the 2nd part of the biggest loser premier & Dr. H just asked a contestant this. I thought it was worth sharing.
It's so damn true. If you were told thy you're dying of cancer tomorrow you would make whatever sacrifices necessary to fight the disease.
Well news flash! You're dying from obesity (or poor nutrtion if you're a shit eater who's still skinny). The CURE to this disease is to get off your ass and sweat. So why are we so hesitant to make sacrifices to save our selves from dying from obesity, but jump at the chance to save ourselves from cancer? If you're answer is because cancer is more serious you're wrong. OBESITY has surpassed cancer as the leading form of preventable death in the US.
Get that? More people die an early death from being fat than from cancer. & we all know atleast one person who's lost their lives to cancer. Do you really want to be the person all your loved ones knew that died from obesity?
Just because the cure is simple doesn't mean it's not a serious disease. It IS serious. It's just a miracle the cure is so simple.
The doctor could tell u that you have any deadly illness. & if he told u it has a cure you would make it your mission to get treatment. You'd be a fool not to cure a disease that leads to certain death.
So start looking at obesity for what it is- a terminal illness if left untreated. If you don't fix it you WILL die an early death. Lucky for you the cure is not only simple but it's FREE. Take your medicine. Get out and MOVE!
That's what I've declared today. This morning I ran the biggest loser 5k in Fort Lauderdale & right now I am blogging during commercial breaks of the new seasons premier. Today's been a great day today.
I could barely sleep last night I was so excited. When the alarm went off I jumped out of bed & didn't feel tired at all. I drank a glass of water & ate an apple while I cooked some oatmeal with coconut flakes.
I got to the race & it was awesome. Loud music, tons of excitement & 500 people ready. Dan & Jackie Evans from season 5 were there. Dan sang the national anthem & said " I see a bunch of finishers out there!" Before they fired off the shot. I really liked that. There were not winners or losers- just finishers. And all 500 finished. There were plenty of skinny people but a wholllle bunch of big people, a guy on crutches, and tons of out of shape skinny people. Along the course there were big signs with bob & Jillian quotes along the way as well as cheerleaders & volunteers supporting & music playing. It was a really good time. I kept getting emotional with the quotes because I can remember all of them & I remember working out watching the biggest loser on Netflix (like I did every day for the first 6 mons of my journey) and hearing them & being pushed by them. It was like the whole run was just a reminder of when I started. At that time I never imagined I'd be where I am. I was deff emotional. When I ran my fist 5k I was down about 45lbs- so 240s. It took me 49minutes & I was DEAD. But the point is I was coming up with every excuse not to go that morning. Then I literally heard Jillian in my head saying "why are u scared of?! Feel the fear & do it!" And I realized- for the first time- what the fuck she was talking about. I was stalling on going because I was scared. I didn't want to look stupid having to walk most of it. I didn't want to finish last & I was scared. But I recognized if & went. And it was my proudest moment at that point in my life. Then today as I wa running I didn't even have to say the quotes in my head- because they were infront of my face. People kept running by me & asking if it was me on my shirt & many of them didn't believe me. It was super cool & I hope someone running behind me picked up their pace when they saw what I did & what they could do:) the coolest thing was not a SiNGLE person asked me how I did it. Everyone asks me how I did it! Everyone expects me to say I had surgery or take diet pills. No ONE asked me today. Because we were at the biggest loser race & everyone there knows the best way to lose weight- common sense, self control & diet and exercise. That's ALL it takes. Anyone can do it. If u don't have self control at first I will gain it the more I force yourself to act right. Remember the quote " whether you think you can or can't- you're right." You CAN. Your body CAN. Now get your mind in sync. YOU CAN DO IT! Old. Young. Morbidly obese. Sick injured. U can all do it. Turn on the biggest loser if u need proof. Forget the contestants with the million dollar trainers & gym. How many people who are the first eliminated come back looking awesome? Almost all of them. YOU CAN DO IT.
It wasn't my best race- took me 40mins- but I did finish 6th in my age group. I never thoughtd id be top 10 of anything athletic in this lifetime so that's so sweet. Just before the finish line u cross another similar line that reads the chip in your # & displays your name on a screen. So as your about to cross everyone is screaming "come on Ashley! You can do it" it was a really cool touch. Obv I finished I saw Dan & his band mates so I approached him like a fan & asked for a hug. I told him my story & thanked him for inspiring me & my mom. he congratulated me & we took a pic & he gave me a hug. He was really nice. I didn't see his mom to meet her but I'm hoping to at the event in Miami in February. They served gluten free vegan muffins & juice cleanse shots & smoothies afterward. I had a muffin & a cleanse shot. I was in a rush to get there & didn't pay the meter. I didn't even get a ticket lol it was an awesome time & that was the icing on the cake lol the only way the day could've been better is if I could've ran with my mom. She really makes me keep up & I am just so proud of what a good runner she is. Next year we are going to try to arrange her being in town to run this race with me :)
I'm loving the new biggest loser so far. They gave the contestants dri fit shirts- which is cool because they have us dri for shirts at the race & I didn't know why it wasn't just a regular tshirt. They're 3mins 30seconds into the first workout & 2 people already fell off the treadmill. It's so damn amazing how out of shape the contestants start & how in shape they end up! I love Bingo- the kid on Bobs team. Freiken adorable little nugget. He makes me super sad tho. He deff has a skinny kid inside of him but he can't play all the sports he wants to play because he too out of shape :-(
Jillian seems extra vicious this season lol but amazingly she's really sweet & loving with the kids. I wonder if they'd done this before she was a mother if she'd act different lol
I had another great day eating today. I made a vegan dinner for my friend & her family to try & they mostly liked it. Really liked the beets- they'd never had them before! I boiled & mashed them with smart balance "butter", Garlic, & pepper.
I'm feeling super inspired & sense a great week ahead. OH, any my brother weighed in at 199lbs today. He's lost 70something pounds. He's 15.... And amazing.