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Haven't blogged in a while because I've been trying to save the posts I have in mind for BigGirlFitGirl.com's launch, but right now I am feeling so upset I just NEED to use my blog like a diary, like I did in the beginning, and let this shit out.
I'm fucking tired of feeling insecure. I'm tired of caring what my body looks like. Some days, I would give everything I have, to have the confidence I HAD, when I was almost 300lbs.
Fort childhood and teenage years, I was self conscious about my size and yoyo dieted. When I was about 19 I started to feel a little more confident and accepting of my body. By 20 I had fully accepted the fact that I was born fat, was fat, was always going to be fat, that was just my body, and I had better learn to love it.
I did. I loved it so much I always wanted to show my "assets". I loved it so much, mainstream people would want me to put more clothes on. I loved it so much, I did a nude photo shoot for an art display and showed it off with pride- all my fat and rolls and folds of glory. I was PROUD of my body. I had accepted my body was never goin to be small (or so I thought) and I needed to learn to love myself.
The thing was, for a big girl, I was a bombshell. I wasn't your stereotypical lazy, moomoo wearing, no makeup or hair done, hot mess of an obese person. I was stylish. I had heard nearly every day for my entire life what a "pretty face" I had. If you liked big girls, I was a dream come true! You couldn't put me in a room with another big girl and have me feel intimidated. I seriously thought I was the shit. People stared at me in public all the time. I thought they were probably thinking "I wish I had that confidence- you go girl!!!"
What I would give to feel like that again.
I have known I have some body issues for a while.... But today I really realized that I am mind fucked.
I went to a Piyo Instructor training on Saturday to get certified to teach live workout classes. A guy happened to come up to me and ask a question about loose skin. He had a client who was big and losing a lot and concerned about it. I am absolutely sure he was not trying to be mean, but it really hurt my feelings. I spend a lot of time convincing myself that all the loose skin and extra things hanging off of me after a 50% weightloss are not as obvious to others as they are to me. But when someone who's never met or heard of me before says that "you must've lost a lot of weight" I can't help but wonder "how did they know?" It's gotta be skin and the looseness in my body. It is a reminder that other people DO see my skin. It's a reminder that I DONT look normal. It's a reminder that I will always be looked at as the "ex fat girl".
I knew that comment hurting my feelings was 100% to do with my issues and 0% of his, so I didn't make a big deal about it to him, just moved on.
Then today they posted the pics the photographer took of the class. A bunch of pics! Great ones! Big group action shots as well as some great close ups. I kept scrolling and scrolling and wow, not one picture of me. Don't get me wrong, I've not had any pics of me taken at plenty of events before. But this was an event where we were all in one room the entire time, all doing the same thing, and there were only about 50 of us. So why am I not in any pictures?
Fucked up mind over here's first thought is "they didn't want to post pictures of my saggy arms and armpits".
Realistically, I was RIGHT in front of the camera for a good portion of the class, maybe her lense was really wide and she was just focusing behind me. Maybe her lense wasn't wide enough and she couldn't get a picture of me without cutting half of me off. Maybe it was because I was in a corner (although I was right in the front row). There are lots of reasons I might not be in the pictures. And I like to think there are some other people who notice they're not in any too.... But I didn't notice. There are like entire group shots and my little corner is just cut out.
I like to think it is a complete coincidence and nothing personal at all.
But my fucked up mind keeps telling me that no pictures were taken of me on purpose because I don't look like a "Piyo instructor" is supposed to look.
I miss the days of not comparing my body to anyone else's. I miss the days of not expecting clothes to flatter me. I miss the days of knowing there was NO hiding what was under my clothes, so not feeling pressured to keep it hidden. Whether I was covered up or not- you knew I was covered in fat. Now, if I'm covered up, you don't know I have loose skin and random little fat pockets hanging off of me.... And it makes it tempting to just spend the rest of my life covered.
I have surgery to tighten my stomach and thighs in less than 2 months. I picked those areas first because they're what I am most insecure about. Now I can't stop thinking about if I should do my arms first instead. No one sees my thighs. It's easier to not wear shorts than not wear a tanktop. I shouldn't care what anyone says, but frankly I just don't want to feel the sting of people pointing out what I am trying to convince myself no one cares about or notices on me.
I am in a weird place because I am so in love with my bodies capabilities. It impresses me constantly and I want nothing more than to nourish it an make it stronger. However, I just can't wrap my head around loving the way it looks. There are plenty of pieces of it I LOVE. For example my legs are amazing- as long as u can't see my inner thighs or inner knees. My back is to die for, as long as I don't put on a tight bra or shirt that makes the looseness in my armpits/sideboob overhang.
I was to love my body as a whole again, not just pieces of it. I don't expect that from surgery. Where there is no longer skin, there will now be a scar. I'm sure I'll develop some irrational insecurities about scars too. After all, just like skin, they're more proof that i am just a fat girl trying to be skinny. The skin removal will make me more functional in some aspects, and give me the freedom to wear shorts or bathing suits. However, I'm not expectin a miracle where all of a sudden I now feel as look like a naturally average sized person.
This is honestly exhausting me to talk about, and I just want to go to bed. I know I am over tired from a long weekend, and PMSing to top it off. But today I just feel sad. I hope I come to the place of lovingy body again someday, and I sure hope it's sooner than later!
last night. woah.
im in my house, working on BigGirlFitGirl.com on my computer and I hear screaming outside. Think nothing of it, my neighbors are always fucking screaming about something. A good 10 minutes goes by, still screaming. I can hear everything theyre screaming about, and its a ridiculous fight about weed, not something that is seriously OK to interrupt the neighborhood for that long. If you dont know me personally, you dont know my neighbors are all fucking crazy. Ive absolutely lost my patience with them, im not longer compassionate and when they fuck with my stuff or my life, ive been forced to telll it like it is, being nice for the last few years is getting me absolutely no where. My attitude toward my neighbors is not a reflection of my attitude towards people in general. If it were, i wouldve signed the note and jumped a loooong time ago.
so i decide fuck this, i am saying something. I stepped onto my front porch and there are 4 people outside and two girls screaming back and forth. I yell over them "do you think you could bring your fight inside so we all dont have to listen to it?" Bitch loses her shit. Screaming, yelling, insulting. I had few words to say back but "go in your fucking house you have lost your mind"..... until she came at me with "you're a 300lb slob" and "its not even 9 oclock yet and look how fat you are" (what the fuck does that even mean???)
Thats when i lost my temper and started telling her about herself, which i will not post on the internet because it would be out of line for me to blast what a hot mess this chick is on the internet. Long story short, she smacked my phone out of my hand, i was stopped from murdering her by one of her man friends who was there. her two other friends dragged her into the house. and thats all that really needs to be shared about that.
i asked her to take a fight inside and keep the peace in the neighborhood and it turned into me being bullied for a body i dont even have anymore.
the reason i am sharing this with you is not because i need anyone to cry with me or tell me they're sorry or pity me. im sharing it because it brought me to a really sad realization.
i am NOT fat. yes, i still have some body fat. in all honesty, this chick absolutely has a higher body fat percentage than me, her fat just happens to be compact to her body like normal skinny fat people's does. Mine hangs loose away from my body and moves, so its a lot more obvious. But, i am NOT fat. So if i know i am not fat, why am i letting her words hurt me so much?
in the past i have said that i feel like my loose skin is my punishment for allowing myself to be so unhealthy for so long. It's like, "It doesnt matter how hard you work! Youre going to remember that you will always be that fat girl every time you get undressed!" I feel like the fact that ive maintained more than 100lb weight loss for more than a year and i'm being called FAT is just another punishment. "It doesnt matter if you're not fat anymore. It doesnt matter how hard you work. People will always think less of you, because you used to be fat. People will always make sure you NEVER FORGET that youre still a fat girl, you just got skinny."
My own family member said that to me last week. We had a little bit of a disagreement about fitness posts on facebook- i obviously defended them because I know my fitness posts are bigger than me "bragging about working out". He quickly took it to private message and told me to "remember the fat little girl i used to be" and "remember that i only picked up the gym 2 years ago". He did apologize a couple days later, and i accepted it because i dont want to fight, especially not with my family. But do you think i forgive him for those comments? FUCK NO. We can be cool but will things ever be the same? Nope. He probably didnt even mean it and just said it out of anger, but thats a line I will not allow to be crossed. he's suggesting that because i used to be fat and becasuse ive only been exercising for two years, i am "less than". No one is going to tell me i am less than them because i used to be fat. Fuck, no one is going to tell me i am "less than" even if i still were fat. You are not above someone simply because youre a normal weight. Just like youre not above anyone because of your color, age, sex, sexual orientation, health, religion, or any fucking thing else. We're all fucking human.
Running into these two situation in less than a week makes me feel like it doesnt matter if i've lost weight, I will always be considered to be LESSER THAN because I was fat. It doesnt matter if i am fit now- i still identify as a fat person inside, and apparently a lot of the world still sees me as one as well. It doesn't really matter how good i feel about myself, how many people i help, how many lives i change, there will always be people who wont be able to look past the fact that i used to be fat and use that as fuel to hurt me. there will always be people who will bring that up because its an obvious weakness of mine, and they cannot handle me at my strongest. My neighbor didnt even know me when i was fat. She has only lived here for like 6 months. She either knows that i used to be fat because of the decal advertising my blog on the back of my car, or because she sees my loose skin as fat. I dont know. But somehow she knows, and she finds it appropriate to use words that describe a person she never even knew, to insult the person she knows now. Thats like calling your mom who's been married and faithful to your dad for 30 years a slut, because she slept around in college. What the fuck? It doesn't make any sense. Sometimes people change. I am not physically or mentally the same person I was when I was fat, so why is that person being used to describe who I am today?
My landlord suggested a 3 way conversation with my neighbor today, so i decided to be an adult and agree to that. i was torn between whether or not i wanted to press charges on her for hitting my hand. She absolutely did not hurt me and the phone was fine, but i considered it for the principle. You are not allowed to just around and fucking touching people, no matter how mad or high or drunk you are. It's all on camera so I am sure she would be put on probation and get some fines. That would complicate her life for sure, but would she actually learn anything? Doubtful. Would i benefit from it? No, it would actually be a slight headache for me too. So i decided i would give her an opportunity to give me a genuine apology and if she woman'd up and said she was wrong then I wouldn't call.
You guessed right if you assumed she acted like a little cunt for like the first 10 minutes of the conversation, apologized for being loud but wouldn't apologize for swinging or what she had said to me. It really bothers me because it appeared that she really didnt think what she did was wrong and wouldn't own that she was wrong. She suggested I just call the police so I informed her that was my intention, and within the next few minutes she was apologizing and going on and on about how her family is fat and that was wrong and she shouldn't have said that. Do i think she was genuine? Not really. Not wanting the drama of getting arrested because she knows shes at fault? Probably. I'm probably not going to have her arrested, although most of the opinions I usually take into consideration are suggesting that I do. i just haaate drama. I dont want to drag it out like that. Will we be friendly neighbors? hell no. Acknowledge she exists? hell no. I am not entertaining anyone with her mindset or level of maturity as long as i dont have to. i am however, going to ask the universe to help her out so she doesn't have to be such a lost, miserable, insecure, little soul. If i have to live next to her that would make my life 10x easier and the world a better place.
i had absolutely no desire, but groceries needed to be done so i went out to the farmers market and to whole foods in Aventura. the famers market was fine, but when i got to whole foods it was a "BlocK Party". there was a guy with instruments playing jimmy buffet and bob marley. there were little sample stations set up everywhere with food samples of recipes the team had made up themselves. As soon as i walked in that atmosphere was so amazing. All the employees are smiling, all the customers are smiling, people are dancing behind their carriages. I passed one team member and she said "Are you going to try my recipe?! i see you here all the time!" i dont think she realizes how much that meant to me. i can have the same cashier at publix or walmart 10x in a row and they act like they've never seen me before and dont care if they ever see me again. I only had a few things to get and I kept walking around much longer because i was just really enjoying myself. Generally, i love Southern Florida and feel like this is the place for me, but I'm 100% sure my complex is not where i am supposed to live, its just where i live while i take care of other priorities. I dont fit in here, i dont think like or want to be around these people and their bad energy. When i was at whole foods and i hear live music and chatter and laughter and see all this amazing food and im surrounded by 100 other people who believe in spreading love and happiness and healthy food, i feel like i fit in. It is such a relief to be around people who think like me. I dont feel judged at whole foods. I feel like i could wear my "i lost 142lbs" sign on my back and instead of being made fun of for having been fat, I would be high 5'd and hugged like i am at races and fitness events. Whole foods makes me happy. I dont care who thinks theyre over priced, they have great deals in their flyers and lots of coupons. And even if they didnt, the atmosphere, level of respect, and food quality make it worth every penny. So it sounds nuts, but grocery shopping really brightened up my day.
When I came home I grilled some veggies and beyond meat and made a conscious decision to not go buy icecream and stuff my face and cry away my feelings the rest of the weekend. Now im blogging, going to clean up my place and get ready for a new week, and hopefully finally watch the first episode of Girl Meets World in bed tonight lol happy sunday, guys :)
First of all- fuck you instagram for having no character limit and refusing to post my caption. This was intended to be an Instagram post but has to go here because Instagram is an unfair little bitch at times :)
My friend @lanabella just found this picture in her camera from December. Her son was playing paparazzi while we were eating dinner one night. I LOVE this picture!!!! Why? Prepare for a novel.
When you're morbidly obese the world tells you "JUST STOP EATING!" So you begin to feel ashamed about something you HAVE to do to survive. When you're as big as I was, people obviously know you eat, but I had major issues eating around people. I would eat meals if everyone else was eating, but i would never eat alone in front of people, even if I truly hadn't eaten all day and was starving. There were times I needed to eat and instead of brining food where I was going, I'd stuff my face in the car before I went in so that I wouldn't have to wonder if anyone was thinking "why is she eating? She really should eat less". I felt like people were judging me, so I ate in private most of the time. The shame that brought on me contributed to emotional over eating and making more poor food choices and ultimately feeling MORE shame.
When I saw I had been tagged in this picture and it was showing up on my newsfeed, the first thing I realized was that I wasn't ashamed of it- and all of Facebook was seeing me eat! I'm just now realizing what a big deal it is that I carry a lunch box around with me as eat in front of anyone, anywhere, anytime. I know I am eating right, I know I am eating for fuel, and I know I am eating on a schedule. I don't really care if anyone thinks I'm a fat ass for breaking out a meal in the middle of an event.
Before you judge an obese person, simply for eating, consider that food addiction is a real thing. I personally suffer from it. When I eat certain foods my brain reacts the way it would react if I were to take a tiny dose of HEROIN(if you want more info about this I suggest reading the book "Breaking The Food Seduction- Dr Neal Barnard). When an addict is trying to get clean, whether it be drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes, the average person needs to go cold turkey because if you give an addict a little bit of their drug of choice there body screams for more. When you have a food addiction it is not possible to go cold turkey. So every single day, a mimimum of three times, you have to willingly ingest your drug of choice and then fight the urges not to "get high" all damn day. If you are not a food or sugar addict you cannot begin to fathom what slow torture this is! So before you tell a fat person to simply "eat less" or "stop eating", consider what an ignorant and insensitive statement that is & keep it to yourself! #foodaddict #fuckshame
Woke up at the crack of dawn, ate some oats and cashews, stretched and foam rolled, and hit the road.
First thing in the morning i had the Beach Beast even on Key Biscayne. The race, was honestly not all that. You'll see it because its was my GoPro's debut. It was only 3 miles, but there were only like 5 or 6 obstacles. I generally do like 7+ mile obstacle races but the 3 mile ones ive done in the past had at least a dozen obstacles. This mustve been the Beach Beast's first event. It advertised that it was ON THE BEACH so i had the impression the whole thing was set up in sand. It wasnt any more on the beach than any other obstacle race. It was super cheap and we got what we paid for as far as a challenge goes. However, it was a good time.
Ive done a couple races and stuff with Tori and the girls that shes introduced me to at this point. I was SO thrilled to have met her when i met just her, but i am even more grateful for her as time goes on. I had been really wanting workout friends. My friends are really not into fitness like that, my idea of fun isnt their idea of fun. Most of my friends down here dont even want to sweat, or say they do but are full of excuses. it feels so amazing to have a whole group of like minded people to hang out with on a regular basis. seriously makes my heart smile!
this race was a lot of running and not a lot of obstacles so i decided pretty early on i was going to try to jog the whole thing. its not uncommon to do some walking in an obstacle course race with the hopes youll keep some energy reserved for the actual obstacles. This one was short and sweet so i did jog. I wasnt too fast but it was good. even with the lines and obstacles i finished in about 48 minutes.
Our group kind of broke up and i seemed to be pacing with Shelly and Tiesha. Shelly has lost like 80lbs herself and already had her tummy tuck and boobs done. She looks frieken amazing. She is short but she is a good runner, she was faster than me and able to catch up to me every time i ever got ahead. It was pretty awesome because i am used to being the one slowing down to stay at someone elses pace and telling someone else to keep it up and not quit. she totally took on that role and i had someone pushing ME. she was giving me advice on running my marathon, which sounds silly because shes training for her first half and i have 2 half marathons under my belt- but i kid you not- it was all great advice and things i was glad to hear. No one besides my trainer has ever really put themselves in that position with me and it was really cool to be on the receiving end of the motivating for once.
After the race we hung out for probably a good two hours. There were some finnnnnnnne men there and our group was mostly single so we mingled our way over there. These girls were CRACKING me up about these dudes. What was even cooler was the hot dudes had girls with them, and the girls were friendly! they werent dirty look giving rude ass bitches, they were nice to us too! We took about 4 million pictures, drank some Celcius (race sponsor) and headed out.
I stopped home and made some Shakeology and picked up my friend Evan to go to the beach. this was awesome because he used to be my workout buddy. But since buying a house and moving in his girlfriend, life has kind of gotten in the way and he almost never works out with me anymore.
We went to Hollywood Beach and my favorite spot- Trikke Hollywood- to rent Kangaroo jumps. We did about 5 miles on the broadwalk with them and he LOVED it. which i was SO happy about because he is so damn hesitant to try new workouts, especially when theyre lower body. But he did good and we gave out a million business cards. People probably think i work for them because i promote this place so much, but really i just love the stuff they rent and the staff is super friendly and deserves success!
We drank a gallon of water and i brought Ev home so he could go to work and then went back to the beach to meet my other friends who were there. We went swimming for a good hour, it was super low tide and the water was SO warm. I thought i had my go pro rolling, but i didnt :( so kinda sad about that but im a beginner, ill get better at it!
That night i hung out with friends and they cooked on the grill and ate BLT's and i stopped home first to make a big 21 day fix approved taco salad with beyond beef and beans and brought it with me! i was proud, it was delicious, and my day was amazing!!
NO, THATS NOT A TYPO.
I HAVE WILLINGLY SIGNED UP TO RUN OVER 26 MILES.
theres a joke among runners that half marathoners are only "half crazy". im officially completely insane.
Back in may i submitted a video the map my run/ map my fitness #RunDiaries contest. I WON! i won a sweet pair of under armour running shoes as well as free admission to any race id like. i thought about it and decided this was the perfect opportunity to register for my first marathon.
originally i was hoping to get skin removal surgery this summer. Thats pushed back for sure. I was now hoping to do it in the fall. if i were to do it in the fall, i wouldnt have time to train for the Miami Marathon in February- which was the marathon i planned on making my first. so i decided, why not do the marathon before surgery? i am hoping that i will be able to work out FINALLY having surgery in october. Ive been paying off debt like a mad man, but getting the creditors to remove the old bad debt from my credit score is proving to be a challenge. because of that issue, i cant say i am completely confident ill be getting surgery in the fall either, but a girl can dream. Ideally I would run this race and then go into surgery about 2 weeks later. Id be healed up in time for the holidays/busy season and could do the second surgery in the summer or following fall. fingers crossed.
so i looked on the internet to see when there even was a marathon i could get to. i knew there wouldnt be one down here till winter because its too hot, so i figured mass might. since i go there often it would be perfect because i could do hair for a couple days to make some money, see my family, and run a race.
unfortunately mass didnt have a full marathon coming up until october. but there are two in new york the last weekend of september. my options were yonkers and hamptons. Originally i wanted yonkers because its a shorter drive, but i went with the hamptons marathon because the course is less hilly. Its not that im afraid of hills, but i live in florida so i dont have many to train on, and i dont want my first marathon to be a complete failure because i wasnt prepared.
i will be running 26.2 miles on September 27th in the Hamptons, New York. YIKES!!!
The minute i hit "send" button, letting the people at map my fitness know which race i would be doing, i cried. by now you should know im a baby and shit like this brings me to tears. i am not sure what i was crying for. i was partially proud. partially scared. partially worried about the commitment to training i just made. i think my biggest emotion is disbelief. i never in a million years thought id run a mile, never mind a marathon.
today i got the confirmation email letting me know i am officially registered. so this is REAL. holy crap.
i typically race alone. i like to be in my "zone". however, when i finished my first half, i was kinda wishing i had let my family come and meet me at the finish. knowing i would be so close to massachusetts made me feel like i couldnt do this alone. i knew i would be sad running my first MARATHON alone with my family only 3 hours away.
i have also been manifesting a girls trip for my sister, mom, and i each day when i do my affirmations and focus on my goals. this seemed like the perfect opportunity for the girls trip, so i invited my mom and sister. Neither of them have ever been to new york. so im making this a trip not only for me, but for them.
the day before the race were going to drive up and stay in the hamptons, close to the start line that night. on saturday i will race and after the race were going to drive to NYC and spend the night there. ill take my mom and sister to times square and we will have dinner in the city. Its going to be amazing. they will experience my first marathon with me, i will experience their first new york trip with them. im especially excited for my sister, who hasnt been away from her children in the 6 (almost 7 years by then) that theyve been alive. not that she wants to be away from them, but every mom needs a break for more than a few hours here and there. i am SO excited.
normally i go into races with the intention of never walking. i ran every step of my half marathons. However, this will be different. my trainer has suggested i walk/sprint. she says some of the fastest marathoners do that. its more realistic, can give you a better time, and less chance of injury. i will not be racing for time, i am going into this with the goal of finishing. ill use that time to determine what i want my time to be in my next marathon and to come up with a plan of action to get fast enough to qualify to run the Boston Marathon someday!! :-D
I know, i know. Im slacking. But the truth is im slacking on blogging- not LIFE. i have been dedicating all of my free time (which was already minimal) to building my new website- BigGirlFitGirl.com! dont worry, ill be blogging there once its live. and ill be blogging regularly again. i promise!
so whats up with me? besides website building and taking notes of the millions of ideas and fun things i have floating around me head lol A week ago i started the 21 day fix, a beach body program that focuses on portion control rather than calorie counting. im horrible at not counting calories, so im shocked that after a week i am actually certain ive lost some more weight.
i HAVE weight to lose. when may started i was still struggling to lose the last few lbs i had gained when i switched birth control. then it was my birthday and i indulged and drank (havent done that on my bday in the past 2 years. since ive "hit my goal" now, im trying to live a little). my mom came into to town for a few days so i drank and ate with her. then i went to mass and drank and ate some more. I drank more in the month of may than i drank in the last 3 years COMBINED. very unlike me. it was fun. but im over the headaches. over the extreme cravings that follow it, and over the fat. when i weighed in for my new challenge group and to start the 21 day fix last week i was a whopping 172lbs!!!!! holy fucking cow! thats 30lbs more than my lightest weight! aye carumba. this was the most "off the wagon" ive ever been. also the longest ive ever been off the wagon. but that party is over. back on track and trying to get back down to my skinniest! i am actually really looking forward to weighing in tomorrow!
yesterday i went to a free obstacle course race boot camp. My friend Tory that ive done a few races with now was there with all her friends as well. it was at an equestrian center and good lord those little flies or gnats or whatever the hell they are were EVERYWHERE. you know how they like cluster up on a horse? well they were doing that to humans. you dont know how many ass cracks i saw with like 50 flies on them. and 2 of these people were bent over right infront of my face and im telling you- they didnt smell! im assuming theyre just attracted to sweat because idk if i had them in my ass crack but they were swarming for me too! and i know i was clean! lol that was really weird and worth sharing, i thought lol
the boot camp itself was pretty fun. it started with forced suicides- and of course we wanted to kill ourselves. then 4 different stations we had to do all kinds of drills at. burpees, bear crawls, crab walks, frog jumps, etc. each station had 2 and they were rotating us.
finally it was time for the FUN- the obstacles! we ran for a bit and came to a wall jump, two 4' and two 6'. super proud of how easy getting over walls is becoming for me! then we had to carry a tire to a point and bring it back. carry a big log. walk a balance beam. carry a 10 gallon bucket filled with sand. run up an almost vertical wall. flip a tire. and run in between each obstacle. i was a little bummed because i thought there would be a rope to learn to climb, and there wasnt. i really wanna learn to climb a rope! but they did have those big ropes on the ground you sling with your arms. i had tried that for like 2 seconds at this gym i went to in MA and couldnt figure out how to do it. but i had instruction this time. the technique doesnt sound that hard, but its really hard! i was taking my turn and i actually fell on my butt! people laughed. historically, i would either have a) never been trying to do that in the first place but had i been brave enough to try i wouldve B) felt so embarrassed i prob wouldve went to the bathroom and cried it out after. i didnt cry. i actually didnt even feel that embarrassed. i was trying something new for the first time and i was brave enough to try in front of all those people. they got to see me fall. would it have been better if i never tried it so they wouldnt have laughed? nope!
there were like 4 different size tires to try to flip. i just flipped a tire for the first time at spartan race last month, so this is something ive been wanting to improve on. i didnt even try the first because i couldve picked it up with one arm. the second two i did with ease. the third tire was about 350lbs they said. and i tried. i tried SO HARD. i squatted so low and tried to flip that bitch and i just couldnt get it off the ground. the closest i got was like an inch. this chick i call baby hulk (didnt catch her name but she was like 5' and fit and kicking ass) did it with me, and it was easy as hell with her help. i feel like if i could just get it off the damn ground and up to like, my knee, i could flip it. i met a guy after ward who spotted me and helped. he said the first 6" are the hardest but once you clear that, you can do it. he swears he was barely touching the tire when i was able to do it with his assistance. but i dont want anyone touching the tire at all!! while we were there, another fitness group gave us flyers for their free obstacle bootcamp happening on the 28th. im going to go to that shit and before i leave that night, im flipping the biggest tire they got! Tory flipped that shit like a boss. she suggests i start squatting with the rack again. i had stepped away from that because i was noticing discomfort in my hip when running when i was doing that regularly. i also wasnt stretching as much as i do now. im gonna try and if i notice discomfort, ill stop. id rather be able to run than flip the biggest tire just to say i can. it was a really awesome workout and a whole lot of fun. super glad i went!
something else pretty cool happened too. Tory and I are both running an obstacle course race next week. i was sad because i wanted to run with her, but she is running with Black Girls Run- a running club for black women. I see them at like every race i run, and ive never noticed a white girl in the shirt. for a minute, i was actually offended when i thought about it. why would a club only want people of their own race to support them? i am not someone who cares about race, so i dont understand why youd want to run with only your race.i wanted to run with Tory, but i was feeling a little unwanted. part of me wanted to just ask if i could run with them, but i was afraid id be told yes just because its rude to say no. i didnt want anyone to feel like i was putting pressure by asking when the name of the group pretty clearly suggests that its not for me. i also didnt want anyone to be mad i was there, to think i was mocking them, or to suggest i am "trying to be black". i dont care about race enough to want to be another race, so thats not the scenario. instead of speaking up, i just let it hurt my feelings for about a week, then i posted something on FB about it and many of my friends told me my feelings were justified and they made me feel better. many even suggested i should just ask.
so me and tory were walking, she asked me what time my heat was, i told her 10 (hers is at 930) and she said "you can still run with us at 930 if you want". and then it came out. i told her i wanted to but didnt want to make anyone uncomfortable, didnt know if i was welcome, and didnt know how to ask. she responded that she had wanted to tell me i could register with the team, but she didnt know how to tell me without offending me either! she said theres usually at least 1 white girl. she also explained that the woman who started the group happened to be a black runner. when she told someone she was going to a race they responded with "black girls dont run!" and Black Girls Run was born. she wanted to break down that stereotype (which i didnt know existed! lol) so she started a running club to prove that black girls run & to cut down on the obesity epidemic among black people. I can respect that, and even more so, i appreciate that because it sparked an idea for myself. I cant share it yet because you know how i do, i dont announce until its official- 1 so people dont steal my idea, and 2 so i dont jinx it. lol but i already have my next project lined up for when i finish biggirlfitgirl.com! so to make a long story short, i will be running with Black Girls Run at miami Beach Beast next saturday morning! if youre going to be there, comment so i can meet you! :-D
Texas was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously, best trip ever. first trip ive ever gone on in over 6 years that i did not work at all! 3 complete days off, it was like HEAVEN!! lol now its pretty funny that the first thing i have to say about this trip is how awesome it was, because it really couldve gone completely the opposite.
i am a super planner in fitness and in life. i was going to run this race in hopes that i would beat my last time, so i wanted to be really well prepared. I trained for 14 weeks and didnt miss a single run, so i knew physically I was prepared. I brought my foam roller and p90x3 yoga and a yoga strap and resistance bands for stretching. i also brought a golfball for my feet and a massage stick. i brought my shakeology and nutribullet. I had clothes for every temperature possible. I was ready to go.
i get to the airport and they say its a full flight so would i mind checking my bag instead of carrying on, no charge. i agree. the flight ends up being delayed. problem was that i had a connecting flight in atlanta. when we got to atlanta there were 4 minutes until my next flight took off. I dont know why i even tried, but me and a group of about 10 other young people literally ran through the airport. we were running up escalators and looked completely insane, but it was a big group so people were getting out of our way, power in numbers lol. i was pretty excited i was keeping up, but i cannot lie, when we got to the gate i was dripping sweat. i was also carrying about a 20lb purse lol we mustve ran at least a mile. I tried to brush this off as a warm up for the race.
by the time we got to the gate, the plane was gone. i ended up having to stay in a hotel in atlanta for the night becuase there were no other flights to huston until morning. I was PISSED. i dont know that ive been that angry in the last YEAR. to be quite honest i was feeling a little crazy again for a little bit. the airline ended up giving me an overnight bag with a toothbrush and deoderant and a tshirt to sleep in. I got to the hotel and all i could think about was my bag. i kept telling myself "its ok, the race is not until saturday, youre going to get there in time and everything is fine". but if my bag got lost i wouldnt have my food or my stretching and warm up tools or my clothes or my sneakers and THAT would ruin my race.
I ended up going downstairs to the restaurant in the hotel and got a salad, which was crappy and bland but the only gluten free and vegan option that would fit into my eating plan they had. it definitely wasnt the shakeology i had planned on having. I was pissed, anxious, and worried about falling asleep, so i also had 3 shots of vodka. i rarely drink, and ive never drank alone before in my life, but i was hoping this would knock me out for the night.
it didnt. although my anxiety decreased significantly i was in cold sweats all night long. I never slept for more than a few minutes at a time ( i track my sleep with the Jawbone UP band) and only a grand total of two hours. I dont know if it was the anxiety, the vodka or what, but it was one of the worst nights ive had in a LONG time.
i got up and showered and headed downstairs to check out the breakfast situation before catching the 6am shuttle. i had planned on oatmeal, peanut butter, and bananas and fortunately, they had both. instant oatmeal, but it was better than the waffles or sausage.
i got outside at 6 minutes before 6am for the shuttle, and it was ALREADY GONE. can we talk about murphys law for a second? good lord!! i did end up getting to take the 630 shuttle, ran through the damn airport again, and made my flight to huston. and when i got there, my bag WAS THERE!
In huston i met Breanne. She is an internet friend of mine. We happen to be from the same hometown, she used to live in miami, shes lost about 100lbs, shes already had her skin removal, we have a shitload in common, but we had never met in person until she picked me up from the airport! she had asked me to come to run her first half marathon with her but ended up breaking 2 toes the week before the race. She unfortunately wasnt going to be doing the half, but was going to attempt the 5k.
i immediately felt as comfortable with her in real life as i had on the phone, so that was good news. Shes a few years older than me but we really get along and relate well. I dont know how many times we said we reminded each other of ourselves. Shes such a realist and extremely well thought out and mature, and pretty much how I hope to be within the next few years of personal development. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. Very good company, major relief! lol
first stop was whole foods. I gave bre some tips of how i shop and we got clean complex carbs to load up on before the race. we went back to her place and food prepped, packed up, and hit the road to Beaumont. Bre had taken care of the hotel and it actually was really nice. everything really is bigger in texas. there was this ginormous texas flag like 5 stories high in the hotel lobby, there was also a giant waterfall. our room ended up being directly behind the waterfall. you could hear the water in our room, we considered it an room with an ocean view lol that was another great part about Bre. Shes a masshole! she is funny! and she gets my jokes! I cant tell you how weird it is when i make a new friend down here in Florida and they think everything i say is serious! lol
after we settled into the room we went to the packet pickup event. we got to see Dan and Jackie Evans from Season 5 and listen to some guest speakers. Jackie gave awesome, amazing, mom-like advice as always, and Dan performed two awesome songs hes recorded. While we were sitting there watching I couldnt help but be in love with Texas! the air smells so good! the grass was so nice! the little love bugs flying everywhere were cute- not scary like Florida bugs! lol It was really really nice. Beaumont made me kind of sad though. It was like 7pm on a Friday night when we left and we were right in the "downtown" area. It is a ghost town! but its SO cute! i dont know why its so empty, but it made me sad. I joked that when I am rich someday I am going to fix Beaumont. It deserves a second chance. the buildings are historical, many from the 1800s and i LOVE history. I liked it. Wouldnt live there, but I liked it.
We went back to the hotel and warmed up quinoa, plantains, and sweet potato for dinner. It was good. I stretched and foam rolled and we did p90x3 Yoga. Drank some sleepy time tea, put on OWN, set the alarm, and went to bed. The plans for the morning were to wake up 2 hours before the race and drink shakeology with a banana. then drink a liter of water while stretching and foam rolling. by then id need to use the bathroom and at 6 it would be time to eat oatmeal with raisins and cashews. At 6:15 we would leave, drive 15 minutes and arrive just in time for a 7am start.
I slept surprisingly well! So well in fact, then when I woke up i saw that it was light outside. light at 5am? I looked at my clock and it was 6:22!!!!!!!! BRIEF HEART ATTACK! I said "BRE, ITS 6:22!!!" and she woke up just as fast and we started moving. I mixed up some Shakeo with almond milk, banana, and oatmeal and the whole time just kept saying out loud "Its going to be a great race. Its going to be a great day" like a crazy person. But, ive been re-reading the secret and actually trying to apply it, so thats what needed to be done. I freaking love Bre because instead of looking at me like I was a nut, she did it with me. She wasn't panicking either. We were dressed and out the door within about 10 minutes and arrived at the race with about 8 minutes to spare. The 5k didnt start until 7:30 so Bre dropped me off by the race and went to park the car. I had to use the bathroom SO BAD and the line was SO LONG. I wanted to cry. But i just kept saying "its going to be a great race" and reminding myself that if i wasnt at the start when they started, youre allowed to start late, it was no big deal. I was just slightly worried because nothing was going as planned and I was trying to beat a personal record here!
There was a 6 year old girl named Lily in line in front of me, and she was very talkative. She asked me about my hair and why I wore so much black and why I had peircings. Her parents were trying to get her to leave me alone, but I kept talking to her because she was relaxing me. She was going to be running the kids 1 mile fun run that day. Thats so awesome. I hope when I have kids they run the kids runs at my races! i want baby spartans!
I FINALLY got to use a potty and rushed to the start line, Bre was waiting there and the race was about to start. we took a selfie real quick and i was on my way! i honestly cannot say that this race was as fun as my first half marathon. for one, there werent any cool bands playing at the mile markers like in Panama City lol but also, my first race, I was just trying to finishing without walking, i wasnt trying to keep a fast pace. this race, i was trying to beat my last race. On the official chipped time it said I finished in 2 hours and 37 minutes in my first race. however, on my band that was physically attached to my body, it said 2 hours and 30 minutes. I wanted to take 10 minutes off that time.
My pace was REALLY good in the beginning. I was feeling really confident when I did two miles in less than 19 minutes and my 3rd mile i did in just under 9 minutes! But then I had problem, I needed to use the bathroom. They do have portapotties at the water stations, so I had somewhere to go, but i was so pissed i had to stop. I pressed pause on my app because I did not want this to ruin my time when i wasnt even actually running during those minutes. the stopping to use the restroom proved to be a little bit of a problem because once i stop, ive lost momentum and i am thinking about stopping again. well, not stopping, but walking. I ended up having to use the bathroom three freaking times. I did end up doing some run/walking in the last 4 miles. The one benefit to the run/walk is that when youre running, youre running pretty fast because its only for a short time. I enjoyed running around texas. I was surprised at the amount of hills we ran up, but i am pretty sure they were man made. I liked seeing the oil industry live and i loved the old historic city. Theres a little strip on Crockett street that looks like an abandoned New Orleans. The little houses were cute and the people were friendly. One of the warehouses we ran past had guys passing out freezing cold bottles of water. It was fun, but I think the fact that all i could think about was beating my last time took away a little bit of the fun. I kept pace with a couple different running groups here and there and i even kept pace with a veteran who wheeled the entire 13.1 miles in a wheel chair! completely impressive and inspiring!! At mile 12 my little friend Lily was there! Definitely waiting for her mom, not me lol, but she still waived and yelled and it was awesome!
When i FINALLY crossed the finish line the Biggest Loser clock said 2 hours and 33 minutes! I was so excited!!! even with stopping so many times and run/walking I still took 4 minutes off of their clock! Then I checked my app and i almost cried!!! Had I not stopped at all my actual running time was 2 hours and 11 minutes!! SO EXCITING!!! I hope to run the Boston Marathon some day and to qualify for that ill need to run a marathon in like 3 hours and 40 minutes. So that means I have to get my half marathon down to 1 hour and 50 minutes. Its going to take a LOT of work, but i KNOW i can do that!!
Bre was waiting for me at the finish with her bruised foot! She had finished a 5k in less than 40 minutes with broken toes. Luckily the medical tent had some ice for her to help it feel better while she waited. We took some pictures and i finally got to meet Bobby from Season 15! He was at one of the mile markers and I screamed I LOVE YOU when i saw him, but i wasnt about to stop during the race lol. it was nice to meet him since i didnt get to in Miami! We took pictures with him and Vinny from season 12 and headed back to the hotel. It WAS A GREAT DAY!!
When we got back I jumped in the pool with my clothes on and soaked in the hot tub for a few. We showered and lounged in the room and it was finally time to hit the road again.
We stopped at Pappasitos for Mexican for lunch and it was seriously awesome. Great service and great food! I had a salad with avocado and beautiful veggies and two black bean tacos and it was SO flavorful. I did indulge in a whole bunch of tortilla chips and salsa, with no regrets. Bre was so awesome this trip and to top it off, she spoiled the shit out of me. When we got home we went to her favorite reflexology spot and she treated me. I have never had relexology. They start by like warming you up with a face and head massage before they get to your feet. I was totally shocked when she stuck her fingers in my ears! LOL but overall it was awesome and the light massage and stretching that went with it felt great on my muscles after the run.
That evening I finally met Bre's fiance and his son and they were just as awesome. We went by the pool at their complex and there were like 14 birthday parties going on, and i had only brought a bikini, anticipating less of a crowd. All those kids and im in a bikini, cant lie, i was NERVOUS! but no one pointed or laughed or stared. we didnt stay long, but it was another "fuck shame" victory for me!
For dinner we went to a place called "Souper Salad". it was a soup and salad buffet. I made a big but very light salad and got a cup of veggie soup, a small sweet potato, a veggie taco, and some fruit. I committed to not going back for seconds and no dessert, and i stuck to it! We went back to the house and watched Shark Tank till we passed out. I slept really well again.
The next morning it was time to say good bye and head back to Florida. i had a salad made with all the veggies at subway and sweet onion sauce instead of dressing. I was on time and so was my flight, and it was a drama free flight back to atlanta. At my layover I went to 4 differnt vendors and finally found a coffee shop with soy milk. I had my shaker cup and shakeology in my carry on so I shook it up and didnt have any temptation to eat in the airport (I used to eat at the airport every time i travel just because i could!) the best part about that was they charged me $1.87 for the soy milk. that is like the cheapest item in an airport EVER lol my next flight was on time and i got home on time. Happy to be home, but sad to have had to leave. I really liked Texas. I am SO glad that I went. I learned a lot about myself & the power of positive thinking. I beat my personal record and finished my second half marathon. I got to meet Bobby and see my other biggest loser homies. But the best part? I truly left with a new friend. I am SO grateful to have met Breanne. She is just such an honest and real person. A funny person. A generous person. A positive person. Absolutely my newest great friend and someone I intend to have in my life for a long time! Thank you again for EVERYTHING! I look forward to seeing you again and the day you get your HALF medal!! xo
omggg so much has been going on. I have been one busy lady!
I havent officially announced this on my blog, so lets talk about my new website being in the works!! BigGirlFitGirl.com
Ahh! so exciting! i dont want to give away all the details, but there is going to be tons of advice for ladies starting out or trying to maintain a fitness journey. i mean, gentlemen are welcome too, its not "no boys allowed" or anything, but i find a lot more women than men tend to relate to me, so i want to cater to my audience! I will still have my normal blog, itll just be found on that website. There will be videos and tons of clean, easy, vegan recipes. I will be featuring other people's before and afters and their stories. I hope to have guest bloggers at some point. Its going to be awesome! I am so excited. Its anticipated to go live in the end of May/ early June. I will announce an official date when we are almost done! I am working with an amazzzzzzing designer & photographer. ahhhhhh IM SO EXCITED!!
so, yes, if youve been wondering why i am not blogging quite as often its because i have lots going on and not a whole lot of time. I have been visualizing having enough time in the day to get everything i need to do, done, lately. So either, i will figure out a way to be super efficient and accomplish everything i want everyday, ooooor i will realize i dont NEED to do quite so much each day. im cool with either lol
so besides the new website and getting a shitload of content together, i have also been actively writing my book! i am SO excited about that as well! although, the writing is super draining. Holy cow. but I have gotten a lot written. It is going to need a ton of editing, and i am still contemplating whether i am going to self publish or actually try to get a publisher involved. I really didnt know much about either, so ive been doing a lot of reading and i am not freaking out over making a decision because i have plenty of time to weigh my options, the books not even finished!
On the fitness front, i finally finished p90x3!!! wooohoo! all 90 days! i can proudly say that anytime i missed a workout, i did make it up on another day. so i feel good and wear my tshirt proud! the crappy thing is that a few weeks into the 90 days i switched up my birthcontrol and i felt pretty helpless to a lot of my cravings. i was pretty depressed for a good 6-8 weeks. I gained about 16lbs between the hormonal change and the eating. I was still doing p90x3 and training for my next half marathon. I cant imagine what i wouldve gained had i not been exercising so much. Even though I weighed more when i finished than when i started, i see a lot more definition in my arms and legs after completing the program. I am a little more flexible and can finally do a shoulder stand with my legs straight up in the air. The only place my gain really showed up is in my belly, and that expected because thats the first place it goes. It only measures 1" bigger, so i know theres a thin layer of fat spread over me thats just not quite measurable. im sure there was also some water weight from eating too many french fries and processed foods. Everyone wants to say "its muscle" but if i gained 16lbs of muscle in 90 days i would win the $100,000 beach body challenge lol that is like unheard of so i am not going with that excuse although i know i did gain some muscle, im just being realistic here. i imagine at some point i will redo the program and follow the nutrition guide! however, in the last leg of half marathon training i didnt think it was a good idea to re-start the program while i am running almost 20-27 miles a week. but it is on my TO DO list.
the good news is, ive been feeling normal and am back on board now for about 2 weeks. well, the first few days i was miserable and craving chocolate like crazy, but i held out. now that i made it over that hump and i am satisfied with healthy foods again. i was feeling really depressed, partly because of the hormonal change, but also partly because when i am giving in to cravings and temptation regularly, and not sticking with my plan, it makes me feel like crap about myself and that adds to any depression i am feeling! right now i am in a place where if i am tempted for just a second i think about how not fun it is to have to push through and get back into the swing of things and thats good enough to make me say NO. i like when i am in this place and it is good timing because ill be traveling 3 out of 4 weeks in may. if i am eating bad and traveling that much, that sounds like a recipe for disaster! but honestly, i do not even feel worried.
my advice for getting over a hump like that is to just wake up EVERYDAY and start fresh. no matter how bad the day before was. stick to your plan and get your workout in for as long as you can. if you screw up, try not to let the day go to shit. make the next meal a better one. but if you do let the day go to shit, you gotta wake up and try again the next day. if you do the same thing the next day, still wake up with the intention and plan to have a successful day anyways. do it enough days and eventually one day you WILL get through a whole day without straying from your plan. and then youll wake up feeling so good, youll probably do it again the next day. whatever you do, dont just say "ugh i messed up, ill start monday" because monday is pushed up wayyyy too often. you have to try again tomorrow, no matter what!
i will be running my second half marathon this saturday. it will be the biggest loser run walk in Beaumont, Texas! My friend Breanne had asked me to run with her a few months ago, so i got to training. I am hoping to take 10 minutes off my time. On my jawbone UP band, it said i finished in 2 hours and 30 minutes. however, their clock said 2 hours and 37 minutes. I am going to probably go with my jawbone because i hit stop and go exactly when i left the start and crossed the finish and im going to do the same thing at this one. so i will be aiming for 2 hours and 20 minutes. i feel like i am a much stronger runner now that i was then so i think its going to go well. i am a little nervous because ill be traveling. traveling just throws everything off. i am also not a very good sleeper, i have a hard time falling asleep especially when i am not home, so im a little worried i will not be well rested before the race, but im trying to overpower my mind with positive thoughts about it. Breanne and I are going grocery shopping when she gets me from the airport, so I am not worried about food at all. I dont plan to eat at a bunch of restaurants. Maybe one time to celebrate our race or something, but even then, i dont plan to eat anything i wouldnt eat on a normal "good" eating day. I will have an entire post dedicated to this experience, i am sure!
yesterday i had an awesome day. I went to see my friend Jenni who is also a beachbody coach and i am her family's hairstylist. They live about an hour away, so I was going down to their house for the bulk of the day. I did their hair and then we spent some time just relaxing and talking in the pool. i havent been in a pool in so long! and havent " just relaxed" in even longer! lol it was really nice. then she grilled some portobellos and cut up all kinds of veggies for a salad. the two of us, and all 5 kids piled up onto the giant couch and watched netflix and talked while we ate. it was chilly in the house and i was still damn from the pool and i was having SUCH deja vu. it reminded me of childhood! the cool AC after getting out of the pool reminded me of being on vacation becuase we only had AC in our bedrooms as kids so we wouldnt have been chilly on the couch. but the sun shining in the big window and eating on the couch after getting out of the pool totally reminded me of summer. it was awesome and the food was real good! lol afterwards we did p90x3 yoga. the biggest clear workout space is in their families homeschool classroom, so i thought that was pretty cool. ive officially done yoga in a home school classroom! lol
ill be sure to give you an update when i get back from texas!
the official race photos from Miami Super Spartan 2014! almost 9 miles and more than 20 obstacles!