im in my house, working on BigGirlFitGirl.com on my computer and I hear screaming outside. Think nothing of it, my neighbors are always fucking screaming about something. A good 10 minutes goes by, still screaming. I can hear everything theyre screaming about, and its a ridiculous fight about weed, not something that is seriously OK to interrupt the neighborhood for that long. If you dont know me personally, you dont know my neighbors are all fucking crazy. Ive absolutely lost my patience with them, im not longer compassionate and when they fuck with my stuff or my life, ive been forced to telll it like it is, being nice for the last few years is getting me absolutely no where. My attitude toward my neighbors is not a reflection of my attitude towards people in general. If it were, i wouldve signed the note and jumped a loooong time ago.
so i decide fuck this, i am saying something. I stepped onto my front porch and there are 4 people outside and two girls screaming back and forth. I yell over them "do you think you could bring your fight inside so we all dont have to listen to it?" Bitch loses her shit. Screaming, yelling, insulting. I had few words to say back but "go in your fucking house you have lost your mind"..... until she came at me with "you're a 300lb slob" and "its not even 9 oclock yet and look how fat you are" (what the fuck does that even mean???)
Thats when i lost my temper and started telling her about herself, which i will not post on the internet because it would be out of line for me to blast what a hot mess this chick is on the internet. Long story short, she smacked my phone out of my hand, i was stopped from murdering her by one of her man friends who was there. her two other friends dragged her into the house. and thats all that really needs to be shared about that.
i asked her to take a fight inside and keep the peace in the neighborhood and it turned into me being bullied for a body i dont even have anymore.
the reason i am sharing this with you is not because i need anyone to cry with me or tell me they're sorry or pity me. im sharing it because it brought me to a really sad realization.
i am NOT fat. yes, i still have some body fat. in all honesty, this chick absolutely has a higher body fat percentage than me, her fat just happens to be compact to her body like normal skinny fat people's does. Mine hangs loose away from my body and moves, so its a lot more obvious. But, i am NOT fat. So if i know i am not fat, why am i letting her words hurt me so much?
in the past i have said that i feel like my loose skin is my punishment for allowing myself to be so unhealthy for so long. It's like, "It doesnt matter how hard you work! Youre going to remember that you will always be that fat girl every time you get undressed!" I feel like the fact that ive maintained more than 100lb weight loss for more than a year and i'm being called FAT is just another punishment. "It doesnt matter if you're not fat anymore. It doesnt matter how hard you work. People will always think less of you, because you used to be fat. People will always make sure you NEVER FORGET that youre still a fat girl, you just got skinny."
My own family member said that to me last week. We had a little bit of a disagreement about fitness posts on facebook- i obviously defended them because I know my fitness posts are bigger than me "bragging about working out". He quickly took it to private message and told me to "remember the fat little girl i used to be" and "remember that i only picked up the gym 2 years ago". He did apologize a couple days later, and i accepted it because i dont want to fight, especially not with my family. But do you think i forgive him for those comments? FUCK NO. We can be cool but will things ever be the same? Nope. He probably didnt even mean it and just said it out of anger, but thats a line I will not allow to be crossed. he's suggesting that because i used to be fat and becasuse ive only been exercising for two years, i am "less than". No one is going to tell me i am less than them because i used to be fat. Fuck, no one is going to tell me i am "less than" even if i still were fat. You are not above someone simply because youre a normal weight. Just like youre not above anyone because of your color, age, sex, sexual orientation, health, religion, or any fucking thing else. We're all fucking human.
Running into these two situation in less than a week makes me feel like it doesnt matter if i've lost weight, I will always be considered to be LESSER THAN because I was fat. It doesnt matter if i am fit now- i still identify as a fat person inside, and apparently a lot of the world still sees me as one as well. It doesn't really matter how good i feel about myself, how many people i help, how many lives i change, there will always be people who wont be able to look past the fact that i used to be fat and use that as fuel to hurt me. there will always be people who will bring that up because its an obvious weakness of mine, and they cannot handle me at my strongest. My neighbor didnt even know me when i was fat. She has only lived here for like 6 months. She either knows that i used to be fat because of the decal advertising my blog on the back of my car, or because she sees my loose skin as fat. I dont know. But somehow she knows, and she finds it appropriate to use words that describe a person she never even knew, to insult the person she knows now. Thats like calling your mom who's been married and faithful to your dad for 30 years a slut, because she slept around in college. What the fuck? It doesn't make any sense. Sometimes people change. I am not physically or mentally the same person I was when I was fat, so why is that person being used to describe who I am today?
My landlord suggested a 3 way conversation with my neighbor today, so i decided to be an adult and agree to that. i was torn between whether or not i wanted to press charges on her for hitting my hand. She absolutely did not hurt me and the phone was fine, but i considered it for the principle. You are not allowed to just around and fucking touching people, no matter how mad or high or drunk you are. It's all on camera so I am sure she would be put on probation and get some fines. That would complicate her life for sure, but would she actually learn anything? Doubtful. Would i benefit from it? No, it would actually be a slight headache for me too. So i decided i would give her an opportunity to give me a genuine apology and if she woman'd up and said she was wrong then I wouldn't call.
You guessed right if you assumed she acted like a little cunt for like the first 10 minutes of the conversation, apologized for being loud but wouldn't apologize for swinging or what she had said to me. It really bothers me because it appeared that she really didnt think what she did was wrong and wouldn't own that she was wrong. She suggested I just call the police so I informed her that was my intention, and within the next few minutes she was apologizing and going on and on about how her family is fat and that was wrong and she shouldn't have said that. Do i think she was genuine? Not really. Not wanting the drama of getting arrested because she knows shes at fault? Probably. I'm probably not going to have her arrested, although most of the opinions I usually take into consideration are suggesting that I do. i just haaate drama. I dont want to drag it out like that. Will we be friendly neighbors? hell no. Acknowledge she exists? hell no. I am not entertaining anyone with her mindset or level of maturity as long as i dont have to. i am however, going to ask the universe to help her out so she doesn't have to be such a lost, miserable, insecure, little soul. If i have to live next to her that would make my life 10x easier and the world a better place.
i had absolutely no desire, but groceries needed to be done so i went out to the farmers market and to whole foods in Aventura. the famers market was fine, but when i got to whole foods it was a "BlocK Party". there was a guy with instruments playing jimmy buffet and bob marley. there were little sample stations set up everywhere with food samples of recipes the team had made up themselves. As soon as i walked in that atmosphere was so amazing. All the employees are smiling, all the customers are smiling, people are dancing behind their carriages. I passed one team member and she said "Are you going to try my recipe?! i see you here all the time!" i dont think she realizes how much that meant to me. i can have the same cashier at publix or walmart 10x in a row and they act like they've never seen me before and dont care if they ever see me again. I only had a few things to get and I kept walking around much longer because i was just really enjoying myself. Generally, i love Southern Florida and feel like this is the place for me, but I'm 100% sure my complex is not where i am supposed to live, its just where i live while i take care of other priorities. I dont fit in here, i dont think like or want to be around these people and their bad energy. When i was at whole foods and i hear live music and chatter and laughter and see all this amazing food and im surrounded by 100 other people who believe in spreading love and happiness and healthy food, i feel like i fit in. It is such a relief to be around people who think like me. I dont feel judged at whole foods. I feel like i could wear my "i lost 142lbs" sign on my back and instead of being made fun of for having been fat, I would be high 5'd and hugged like i am at races and fitness events. Whole foods makes me happy. I dont care who thinks theyre over priced, they have great deals in their flyers and lots of coupons. And even if they didnt, the atmosphere, level of respect, and food quality make it worth every penny. So it sounds nuts, but grocery shopping really brightened up my day.
When I came home I grilled some veggies and beyond meat and made a conscious decision to not go buy icecream and stuff my face and cry away my feelings the rest of the weekend. Now im blogging, going to clean up my place and get ready for a new week, and hopefully finally watch the first episode of Girl Meets World in bed tonight lol happy sunday, guys :)