ive been losing my mind. when i decided im getting surgery this summer no matter WHAT, i told the salon i work at that i would be available for appointments 7 days a week. this someone was lost in translation and became i am "on call" 7 days a week. the difference is, being available for appointments means i will come in for a scheduled appointment any day of the week. on call means every single day i get a phone call asking "can you come right now??!"
now imagine this. every single night before bed you make an agenda and a to-do list for the next day. youve been living by this for the last 2 years because your master TO DO list is 2 miles long and it seems to be the only way to get everything i need to get done accomplished. so, your schedule is all made, you know exactly what you need to do that day, everything's going lovely and according to plan, and then the phone rings. "can you come in?". now, i CAN say no... but i always feel guilty when i do. i feel like if i am asking people to help me with a fundraiser, it is my job to do my part and make every dollar for surgery i can. but im losing my shit.
so many days too many things on my list do not get checked off becuase i have an interruption. when my phone rings, i cringe because no one calls me but the salon (im a texter) and i know i am about to be interrupted. its especially bad on tuesdays becuase i go to downtown miami for nuerofeedback. i am on my way back during traffic time so i never know how long itll take me to get back to hollywood (where i live and the salon is located) generally, i have an appt at the salon after nuero and i am freaking out, stuck in traffic, having road rage. the whole time i am doing nuerofeedback i am stressing about getting to the salon on time. i know it throws me off because my Dr asks me "are you thinking about something??" as shes watching my brain waves. so, i grew some balls and decided i am no longer available at the salon on tuesdays. tuesdays, starting today, are my official day off. i am allowing myself ONE day where i take no physical appts so i am not counteracting my therapy and so i can catch up on all the stuff i didnt get to do all week because of last minute, unplanned, hair appointments. i mean, i technically still am going to work because i need to catch up with my beach body business.... but its not on a schedule and much more relaxed.
this morning i woke up when my body was ready, no alarm. YES. it was 830. i drank tea and answered emails and dilly dallied till i was ready to do p90x3 yoga. i did it in shorts today and was reminded why i am working so hard for surgery. the angles, positions, and gravity really give me a reminder that my skin is not attached to my body. it was ugly.... but i am going to share pics of it anyway.
it actually sparked an AMAZING idea that i plan to launch within the next 2 months. i cannot even tell you what its called before i trademark it, because i am sure some mother fucker will steal it. but i am telling you- get excited!!! this is going to promote self love to women (and men!) everywhere, no matter what stage of their journey theyre in! ahhhh i am SO DAMN EXCITED!!!!
after yoga i made a smoothie and went to the gym to get my running in. i dont think i have announced it on here, but i am registered for my second half marathon on may 3r. i am going to try to take 15 minutes off of my time. and..... IM GOING TO TEXAS FOR IT!!!! one of my followers signed up for the biggest loser half marathon in beaumont, texas (she lives by houston and thats the closest race to her) and she asked me if she paid for my flight and hotel, would i run her first half marathon with her? OF COURSE I WILL!!!!!! so i am super excited. the weekend before my 26th birthday i will be going to texas to run my second half marathon with someone i truly admire.... and the bonus? its a biggest loser race!!! i have done 4 already, am doing my 5th in miami on march 8th, and my 2nd half marathon will be my SIXTH race with the biggest loser run walk series!! i am starting to feel like i am part of the event LOL speaking of which, me and TORY (the girl i met at the half marathon who is also from miami) organized a team of TWENTY SIX women who will be doing the 5k together on march 8th!!!! 26!!!!!! most of the women will be doing their first 5k! those of us who are running will run, and then were running back to the walkers and finishing strong as a group! and were wearing tutus! I CANNOT WAIT! if youre in miami, its not too late to join us!!! biggestloserrunwalk.com MIAMI MARCH 8th. choose team "get fit and get healthy" and youll be on me & torys team as well as get $5 off!!
so anyways, i had a GREAT run. todays training called for 50 minutes and i was the annoying bitch with headphones on singing out loud the whole time. my mood was just TOO GOOD!!! lol i was also excited about that because if you can talk (or sing) while you run, it means youre in good shape!! a fit person isnt gasping for air, dying during a run. i most DEFINITELY remember all the times i was though, so that was a cool unexpected measure of my progress.
after my run i literally skipped around the parking lot at the gym... not for any reason other than lil johns TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?! came on LOL i am IN LOVE with that song. i cannot NOT workout when i hear it! so just as i was exciting it came on my headphones so i skipped and danced around the parking lot like a fucking fool for 4 minutes. and it was amazing. LOL
came home, showered, drank shakeOlogy with pb2 and bee pollen and headed to nuerofeedback. while she hooks me up my dr always has me catch her up on my life. i was telling her about the stress the internet is causing me and about how i now realize if i publish my book i am inviting the critics and haters and bullies my way and i dont think i want that. she looked me straight in the face and said i absolutely cannot NOT publish it becuase of that. she gave me some tips to better work on my reaction (or not having one) and how to over come it. basically, its impossible to ignore the rude comments. its easy to not read ANY comments... but i cant do that. because then the people with genuine questions or stories get ignored too and i refuse to ignore them because of a hater here and there. her advice made me think that i will reconsider the publishing, but only after me and my psychologist have several meetings dedicated to how to handle this new "public figure" role i will be accepting with the publishing of my book. right now i dont feel that term applies to me even if i got told off with it.... however, if i publish a book i am definitely asking for the attention and i need to be prepared to accept whatever might come.
what my nuero doctor said also reminded me of something my shrink has said to me before. "you cannot make decisions about your life based on other people's rage". basically, if something is going to be good for YOU but make someone else mad, you need to do it anyway. i honestly think publishing my book will be the bigggggest weight that has ever been lifted off of my shoulders. i think it is something i need to do. i just need to prepare for what it may bring to me, before it happens.
now i am here blogging, going to catch up on emails, going to wash dishes and sweep, and then i have an old friend stopping by later on and finally, teen mom at 10! LOL i was considering going out tonight since when i did a few weeks ago i didnt even end up going anywhere (i was legit in a parking lot, never made it to a club) and a friend of mine has a show, but i dont have anyone to go with and im uncomfortable going alone..... so prob not going to happen but its still a SMALL possibility since i dont have morning appts tomorrow. i am really enjoying my first day off since before christmas and i look forward to doing this every week! its day 1 and i feel so FREE already!!! :-D