i used to be obsessed with birthdays. my 18th, was to this day, the best birthday ive ever had. however, 21 is the last birthday i celebrated. I lived in Los Angeles at the time and my friend worked at the Abbey. I wore a corset because even fat i felt fly as fuck. i had a red velvet cupcake and a tranny sang happy birthday to me. It was a pretty good time. every birthday since then ive lived in FL.... my first year i didnt really know anyone and was way to depressed to celebrate anyway. the next two years i just didnt care. of course my family always sends me presents and calls me and FB goes crazy, but i personally didnt really celebrate. just another day. this year, after celebrating a hundred peoples bdays with them, i deiced FUCK THIS, i wanna celebrate my birthday! i want to feel like the fucking queen or bday princess or whatever the hell it is. i didnt want a huge ass party or anything, but i did just want to feel special for the damn day.
well, between thurs & fri my bday wishes went to shit. i was going to do a 5k in the morning, alone. i have 2 types of friends. lazy and fuck and supermodels. obv the lazy friends have no interest. the models are fucking out of town all the time or i hesitate to invite them becuase i know i cant keep up yet. so it was really depressing me that i was going to spend a huge chunk of the day i wanted to feel special, alone. two of my best friends were out of town. the new nail chick i was going to try out fucked me out of my appt for prom chicks, even though i booked with her tuesday. talk about depression. i cried most of those 2 days everytime i got more fucking news.
eventually i got over it and decided FUCK EM! im having a great birthday regardless. friday i went to buy a dress. My mom had given me some money for my birthday when she was here and i just wanted a BIRTHDAY dress. i went shopping downtown hollywood. its so frieken sweet to go to a regular ass store and pic out any dress you want out of any section. i wanted to try this one dress and the woman who was getting it down asked me "what size you want? medium??" i almost dropped dead. you work at a store and you see ME and think medium?! stfu. guess what, it fit.
Saturday morning was the Armageddon Ambush.... its a 5k, mud run, obstacle course, color run. fortunately my client/friend Karen decided she wanted to come as a spectator with her friend Yvette. Mom and I had run karens first 5k color run with them the week before. I was SUPER excited. even though id be racing alone i would have company for the drive, company before & after the race, and support at the finish line. I was SO happy they came, not only so i wouldnt be alone but because theyre both on a fitness journey and i wanted them to see whats in store for them, hopefully one day theyll be doing a mud run with me :)
unfortunately, this was the WORST mud run ive done. it wasnt very organized. there was a heat every 30 minutes. i think there were two problems.... they didnt have enough volunteers regulating the obstacles to force people to try once and then move on and do burpees if they fail.... that keeps things moving. also, i think they let too many people go each heat. there was a 5-15 minute wait at EVERY obstacle. thank god i wasnt doing it for time. some of the volunteers, especially the female fire fighter before the swim, were so fucking rude and treated us like children and completely killed the vibe. she was literally screaming at people and acting like it was her first day on the job as a kindergarten teacher with no clue what to do.
a few of the obstacles fell apart. that made me regret signing the waiver because you sign it with the impression theyve built a course with safety in mind. i didnt feel completely safe. at two different obstacles i stood waiting while some guy with a hammer or drill banged shit back together.
the obstacles were pretty sweet tho. there were 5ft piles of dirt to climb over, nets to climb, water to swim in, a pool of ICE WATER (which actually felt amazing), hurdles to jump over, a trail to run in the woods, a huge pile of tires to climb, more dirt to climb, ankle deep mud, and in between each obstacle you run, and are ambushed with colored powder. i only had to skip ONE obstacle, the rope climb. i cant just climb a rope.... but damn well i will before i die!
my favorite obstacle was one that was like a 12ft high ramp youd see at a skateboard competition or something. you got a running start and had to run like hell up a practically vertical wall. during this obstacle i was glad there were no volunteers regulating because i didnt get it my first try. my hand was about a foot away from the top, you have to grab someones hand or the top in order to pull yourself over. it took me 4 tries. i was so out of breath i didnt think id even make it halfway the 4th time, but i took a deep breath and ran like i stole something. fast as fuck and just as i was about to miss the top, a stranger put his hand out and grabbed mine. he gave me a little pull and i was able to grab the top and pull myself over, and climb down the other side. this was SERIOUS victory for me. i saw that thing and thought "oh fuck that i cant do that!" but i wanted to at least try to see how much work i needed. i cannot believe i fucking did it. one of these days im going to be one of those people with a camera on my forehead videoing the whole thing so u can see how cool it is.
the last obstacle series was a climb up a 12' wall using only a rope, followed by atleast another 12' of rope netting to climb. when you got to the tippy top you went down the biggest homemade water slide youve ever seen in your life, and then crawl under barbed wire thru mud to the finish. when i saw that slide i said to karen "i dont give a shit what it takes, i am going down that slide!" i knew i was going to have to climb a wall to get to it, and i didnt care. the one official goal i made that day was to do that last obstacle.
well, when i got to it there was a mob of about 300 people there already. it was SO BACKED UP from the lack of organization. everytime like 20 people climbed the wall theyd stop! either the tarp was coming off the slide or too many people were congregating at the top or the rope net was coming loose, good fucking god! get it together ambush organizers! this race was a JOKE, i feel sorry my guests think this is how all mud runs are. believe it or not, i waited AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES TO DO THE LAST OBSTACLE! i arrived at the last one at 1130, and didnt get to do it until after 1pm. you couldnt leave, or you lost your spot. so basically it was like a giant mosh pit of people sweating their asses off, dying of thirst, in direct sunlight, at fucking NOON. people were handing out bottles of water to volunteers, like they needed it! i have NEVER been so thirsty in my life. people were screaming WATER!!! i know we all made the choice to stay there, but i imagine this was how people after katrina and shit felt with no damn water. ive never in life experienced thirst like that, and i knew water was only a matter of hours away, i cant imagine being that thirsty and not knowing when im getting a drink. fortunately after about an hour, the angel that is Karen is screaming to me from the sidelines with a Liter of water. i swear to god i saw a halo over her fucking head lol... people were nice enough to hand it off to me and not steal it. i guzzled about half in one sip, poured some on my head, and passed it off to the guy next to me. i felt bad as shit with all that water when i had been standing by him for an hour knowing he was just as thirsty. this ended up being a GREAT choice, he paid me back 10x.
basically the consensus was that ARMAGEDDON AMBUSH SUCKS and we will be sticking to more reputable races like warrior dash, spartan race, tough mudder, etc. it was a nice try, but a fail. the flyer said " back by popular demand" i am willing to bet there will be no demand next year. there was a rumor they will be giving us each a free pass to our next ambush. idk if its true, but if so, thats the only way id do this race again, i deff wouldnt pay.
so, i strongly considered quitting because i was sunburnt and tired and sick of waiting. i felt guilty my friends were boiling in the sun as well.... i thought id be done completely within an hour.... it took 3... however, i wanted to climb that walll SO BAD. i wasnt even really worried about the slide anymore, i just wanted the damn wall. there was this little ass muscle dude who we were calling spider man. he climbed that wall like he stuck to it. he just kept going up and down and up and down and pulling people and helping people and he was so fucking awesome. the volunteers at this obstacle were useless, one girl had to use a ladder to get to the top of the wall.... if this bitch cannot pull her weight up the wall, how is she supposed to help me over the wall?! so naturally there were a shitload of runners helping. when it was FINALLY my turn i was really nervous, i didnt have a team to help me and there were no official or unofficial helpers at the top of my rope. i look up and guess whos waiting for me? the guy i gave water to. he was a strong, but not very big guy. given i was huge my whole life i always doubt a man ability to pick me up or pull me, and i didnt think he was going to be able to assist me. he was a the top of the rope with his arms hanging down screaming "you got this!" i grabbed the rope and started climbing. after almost 2 hours of observing i realized the people who kept their knees bent were much more successful that those who tried to climb completely perpendicular to the wall. i was trying to use my legs but it takes a LOT of upper body strength. on my first shot i got close enough to grab my new friends (whos name i dont even know lol) hand. i had one hand on the rope, one hand in his, and my feet on the wall, knees bent. i couldnt get that last 10 inches or so though. i knew once i grabbed the top i could pull myself over but i couldnt grab the top! i looked at my friend and said " I cant do it without another hand!!" a lot of the ropes had 2 volunteers up top so one would grab each arm and just pulll. i only had one guy. he looked at me and said " you can do this!!! dont tell yourself you cant, you can do this!!!! come on!!!" at this point, someone from below literally pushed my ass up enough so i could stretch my leg like a damn gymnast. some guy grabbed my foot and once it was on the top i was able to pull myself up with my legs. my legs are SO much stronger than my arms. after all, they carried ME around all those years! i was SO happy to be at the top!!! i was so grateful for the help, and glad i didnt get a "head butt" (some girls could NOT climb at all. dudes would literally put their head in the girls ass, and climb the rope under her and push her up, like a damn elevator lmao. it was hilarious, this one dude did it so many times im SURE he has an ass fetish lol. we all stood there so long with nothing to do but watch people climb, so when someone really struggled the crowd went wild when they made it up. very few people who tried it didnt make it. the thing ive noticed about both obstacle races is the team work and support, even if youre not on a team, are incredible. these type of races literally help to restore my faith in humanity.
after the wall we had to climb the last rope net. i had my friend on the side of me still pep talking "dont ever underestimate yourself, you can do anything you want. you didnt even need an extra hand" i never told him my story, so he had no idea who he was talking to- but if he was going to say that shit to anyone to try to change their life, he picked the right person! i lost him once we went down the water slide but i wish i had had to opportunity to thank him. he really really helped me feel like i could do anything when he literally helped me overcome that obstacle.
the mud crawl was fun as always. it wasnt that challeging because the barbed wire didnt actually have any barb lol... it was just a wire. which was stupid because it really drops your incentive to stay low and avoid the wire- when you know youre not even going to feel it if it touches you.....
but that was that! the race was done, i met my friends, took a picture doing the "star pose" my trainer taught me, and came home to shower like crazy.
fortunattely, even tho i was trying to avoid making the drive there, i was able to get in to get my nails done at rapunzel, the "thick salon" i work at. my bosses said i could get my nails done for free for my birthday. super sweet :) i got there and told jennifer about my outfit for the night and she started sculpting perfect nails to match. the girls suprised with me Moscato and a cake. dun dun dunnnnnnn. i was not expecting cake from anyone. erica was super cute, she got the littlest babiest cake possible for me so i couldnt eat a lot.... but i had no intention of taking that home! even if it was little, i wanted to share it. she called it a personal sized cake, lol. it was about 4" diameter and 5" high.... that is NOT a single serving of cake, but the grocery store will sure have you thinking it is lol. i was SO grateful erica thought of me and got me a cake, and it seemed like she was a little offended when i asked for a peice that was only 1"....i was orignally thinking "one bite" but i felt like shit. i wanted to be cared about so bad on my bday and she was just trying to show me love. the thing is, i dont think they understand what vegan is, or maybe they dont know whats in a cake. not eating cake had nothing to do with a "diet". i wouldve eaten a vegan cake no prob.... the problem was it was regular cake. i havent had any animal since december, not milk not eggs.... and both are in cake, as well as processed white flour- which i also havent eaten in forever. i was afraid eating the cake would give me a belly ache all night. i ate the cake, and left the whipped cream frosting. the peice was only 1".... i felt like it was a good compromise to not make me fat, and not make my cake seem unappreciated. i learned my lesson though, and im never eating because im worried about someone elses feelings again. my body hated the cake and refused to digest it. i didnt shit the whole rest of the day. my belly was a little round. i had just done a 3 day shakeology cleasnse so my belly would be flat, rather than round, on my bday and i wouldnt be worrying about sucking it in.... well i fucking ruined 3 days of work with 1 piece of cake. i put on my dress that night and i had some roundness. i did crunches, i got on the foam roller, i drank water, i did everything i could think of to speed up the digestion and get that shit out of me. just like that time i was "pizza pregnant" i knew it was literally the food stuck in me, not moving. i didnt shit, it didnt flatten. i cried, of course. i was wearing a VERY risque dress that was open on the sides so i couldnt even wear underwear never mind a gurdle. i felt like crap. my friends evan and daisy came over to get ready with me and they assured me i looked great. i explained i hadnt eaten anything but salad and shakeolgy for DAYS to avoid this, and i through it down the drain not having to will power to say no to cake. i was so disappointed, felt fat, felt like a failure. i wore a blazer even tho it didnt really go with my dress, i dont know why, because it didnt cover my stomach, but it made me feel less exposed. i had a mini breakdown because all of my flaws just seemed to be on display. i never feel like i look skinny when my arms show. i have had a roll in my arm literally since birth. when i was a baby it was adorable, but it never went away. i had it as a kid, a teen, and adult, and now as a skinny girl, its still proving to be one of the hardest things to lose. its deff getting there, but its not gone. and i feel like as long as i have rolls on my arms and a round belly that hangs, how can i be skinny??? im just a fat girl melted, thats all. my dress was also short, so i was tripping over my thighs looking gross. i thought my boobs looked extra saggy. i felt like $1000 when i bought the dress, so it wasnt the dress. i was SO excited about the dress. it was the stomach. i couldnt stop focusing on my round belly when it was flat 8 hours prior and that was just making me think about all the other body parts i should hate. it really sucked and really killed my vibe for a long time. i didnt want to drink because i was afraid id look fatter. eventually i got my shit together, went out, had 5 drinks, and got over it. within an hour i felt 100x better and when THE dj wished me happy bday and played 2Chainz "its your birthday, bad bitch contest, YOU IN FIRST PLACE!" i damn well did feel that way :)
this morning i work up, drank spinach and apple juice, took a shit, and my stomach is fucking back to flat. go frieken figure!